Where are you?

 I know we spend hours on the phone together everyday but where the fuck are you? I feel like I haven't talked to you at all over the last couple of days. I don't know what's going on withe me, it could have something to do with me going off of my lamictal. I ran out last week and have been feeling ok so I haven't been taking it but I need to do some more research before I do this for real because I don't want to fuck myself up. 

I have been feeling pretty good though, considering. I am going to have to go down to my dads in a few weeks and take care of things. Not really looking forward to that but I know it needs to be done. 3 fucking storage units full of stuff. I know all of it has value but I don't know if I'll be able to sell any of it. If I still had the house I would store a lot of it but I don't have anywhere to put anything like I used to. I think I'm going to keep his van and I can store lots of stuff in there I suppose. That will be like storage on w;heels. I don't know where I'm going to park it but I'll figure that out I guess. 

It will be kind of cool. We can take camping trips, the kids will just have to take tents. Hannah could use it to take to hinterland for example. I could drive to Colorado for a weekend and just spend the time in the van. It has a bed and a table. I would have to rig up an electrical output for my pc and phone but I bet I could tow my car with the van. I could park the van somewhere but then also have my car with me to drive. 

I loved my dad and I need to finish processing a lot of the experiences we had. I need to do some mental reframing. Were things as I've always chosen to see them, were things different? What are the facts behind the things that happened? When I have that information I can make an adult decision about how I really feel about the situation. 

Let's unpack "the night" I know I'm going to have to stop and masturbate at some point here but for now, I remember being stuck to the tv screen and what I was seeing. It was so weird. A man painted up to look like the devil, red face, black eyebrows. He had his mouth open and a nipple in it to the side. He was working the nipple with his teeth and milk was squirting out everywhere. Next scene he has his tongue out, full body shot and he's swinging his dick around sticking out his tongue ludely. This turned me on a great deal. Immediately flushed head to toe. I was in front of my dad and those guys and my pussy was so fucking wet it was hard to take a step I was so immersed in my sexual energy. I wanted to finger myself so fucking bad I could hardly control myself. I couldn't wait to get home and get my hand in my panties. 

I had already been exposed to porn by then. Pictures in magazines. I took my cousins playboy to school and showed it to everyone. I was getting myself off then and I was in 2nd grade. But I remember that very well. I remember rocking my little pussy back and forth working hard to get to that cum. What would I do if I caught a little girl masturbating like that, a lot. How many motherfucking times did my grandmother catch me masturbating over the years? Way too motherfucking many. Never picked up any sexual energy from those encounters either. Just drab, stop rubbing yourself and then she left. 

When I was a little girl I woke up in the middle of the night one night, turned on the tv looking for something nasty to watch but I found a horror movie instead. A guy took a girl out in the middle of nowhere and stabbed her to death. I was horrified by this and also turned on by it. So scared I was horny. I get so sad I get horny, so angry I get horny, so excited I get horny, so bored or stressed out or offended or ignored. All of these emotions when the emotion gets too big makes me want to rub my pussy. I've had so many fantastic mother fucking orgasms over the years. Fuck. I think I'm coming back around to a fixed idea that I can fantasize about anything I fucking want to as long as no living child is involved it's kosher with me. I don't give a fuck what anyone might say to me about that. I need that outlet sometimes. So when it's on my mind I should take advantage of the great orgasm and then I can move on to other things instead of getting so stuck on it. And that's all I have to say about that for now.

Exercise your demons, get them out of you and away from you as quickly and safely as possible.

I'm still missing you baby. I want to do nasty perverted things with you. I want you to do unholy things to me and we can touch ourselves while we do it. Take advantage of my perverseness now, anything you want baby. I love you.