This is what I get for asking

I hate who I am. That is not the first time I've said that I'm sure it won't be the last. I don't want to hate myself anymore. I want to love who I am, I just don't really know who I want to be. I thought I knew, I mean come on I still think it. You can hate me if you would like but I don't hate you. I could never hate you. You've just done way too much for me to ever think of you as anyone other than, that's not true is it? To be honest Chris, you're a fucking monster at times. A fucking monster. You have said the most heinous things to me that anyone in my life ever did. But I know that's how your anger comes out because that's how my anger comes out. Big, explosive, ugly. You dump it on me, just pour it on me. I understand that you can't help it. But I've got anger from being mistreated. When I hear one of the women that you've beaten me to death with it comes out all over them because I blame them for why you are mean to me. They don't deserve it, you deserve it. You fucking deserve it, you're a big ass bully. You only pick on people weaker than you though, you don't start shit with anybody your own size or bigger. These are not insults by the way these are acknowledgements. Just a hat tip. 

The other night you sang to me. You fucking sang to me baby. What is wrong with me? Why do I do this every time we start to get close? You talk a lot of shit to me, but I know that you know that there is no room in my heart for anyone but you. I would never "talk" to another guy. I would talk to another guy though, have a conversation with someone because I am feeling particularly lonely lately. I am trying to make a friend. I joined a friend finding website online. I know, I'm sure that makes me fucking stupid but I don't care. I need people to do stuff with. I don't want to hang out with a bunch of ex junkies. Regardless of what you might say about me, I spent 6 months like that and I won't do it again.

You are right. A lot of the things you say about me are right, or right from your perspective anyway. I don't love myself. I don't feel connections with most people. In fact, I avoid most people because I don't like how messy everything gets. This is messy as fuck.