What the fuck?

You are the most confusing man in the world. For weeks things have been going really well for us. At least that's what I thought but now, what the fuck is going on? I have been worried about getting my new number. I always worry about changing my number because you have pulled the old "I lost your number" thing on me so many times in the past. Or at least 2 times that I remember. You know that I struggle with feeling like you want to get rid of me. I always think that everyone wants to get rid of me but this is something you have told me in the past. You say you will call my new number, and I really hope that you do but you acted so weird about taking it down and I don't even know if you did that. You lied about putting it in your phone, I worry that you lied about writing it down too.

I know I'm supposed to trust you and I try but that little thing in the back of my head won't let me trust anyone that much. I can't stop you from NOT getting rid of me. Which makes me want to try. I want to do something, anything to try to hang on to you but I don't want to put myself through that anymore. It hurts you, it damages our relationship and ultimately in the end I'm more hurt by doing it than not. 

Last night you stayed on the phone with me for so long. You accused me of giving out your information. I have never given your information to anyone because I've never had anything to give but more importantly your enemies are all my enemies. I was pissed off that you called this morning and three wayed in the chatline because I hate Juanita more than anything and I had to sit there and listen to her talk shit. All I wanted to do was rip into her but that isn't why you called me. For some reason you wanted me to hear Randy giving my number out on the chatline. 

I don't get you. I don't understand any of this. I know you love me. You know that I love you. I also know that you get busy with other things sometimes and don't have as much time for me. I know also that I've done hurtful things to you in the past and that has caused you to treat me differently. I don't know if this is some sort of a test. I know you told me some things about yourself recently that I don't believe to be true anyway. You told me whatever kind of native american and stuff. 

Here's what I know. I love you. I would NEVER betray you for any reason. I don't associate with anyone from that fucking chatline and I am changing my number. If you don't call me I won't sleep for awhile. I'll probably cry nonstop for days or weeks or whatever it ends up being. I lose my light and depression sets in. I will carry on though. I will not kill myself. I will not terrorize you, I will not stalk you. I will suffer in silence. I want to cry just thinking about it but I woke up yesterday morning having just heard you say "we need to take a break" in my dream. I am really scared of losing you. 

So that's where I am. As far as all this other weird stuff you're doing with calling me and hanging up I don't know. It could be blamed on the fact that lard ass pig fucker gave out my number but I could give a shit less about that because he's been had my number and tried to piss me off with it and I always told you everything. It makes me paranoid and it makes me have a lot of unhealthy thoughts that I am just refusing to engage with. 

I hope I talk to you later. I miss you already. And to be honest, I'm scared.