I don't want to lose you. I love you and I need you so badly. When you step away from me there is a part of me that dies. A light that shines from inside me that just goes out. I can carry on, I have to continue to live but my life becomes so heavy and fruitless. I don't experience day to day joy that I experience when you aren't with me. Can I get by without you? I don't know, the last time you got angry with me or whatever I wound up in the Access Center. I don't want to get that low again. I am working so hard to improve myself and I don't want my motivation to disappear again. Can I get by without you? Yes. but it's hell. Life becomes joyless and every task I face is so difficult. 

I love you so much. You are my everything, and you know I mean that. I am able to work 10 hours a day because I know you are paying attention. I am able to support my kids through whatever they are dealing with because I know you are on my side and ultimately I feel that you are on their side too. Maybe you really aren't but it sure the hell feels like it. I think they are finally able to see that too. I think that Lilly puts on a strong front against anyone but no longer scoffs when she hears my phone ring. She plays tough but I think she can feel your concern for me and my life too. So can Hannah. They used to roll their eyes and I know why. I know that I've always played a victim. I've always told them how mean you have been but never said, I went on the chatline and embarrassed him. I don't play the victim with them anymore though. I don't play the victim with anyone anymore. Also they see that I am starting to make myself more of a priority and I think more than anything that is why they have lost so much respect for me over the last few years because I show myself no respect at all.

I realized some time ago that if I don't take responsibility for my actions and for my feelings I will never be able to make any permanent changes in my life.  When I feel anxious and feel my light go out I have to acknowledge that I feel that way because I am not equipped or have the skills to feel better or make myself feel better.  So when those times come I have to focus on myself again and what skills I am lacking to deal with those situations instead of becoming insanely obsessed with the idea that you are the key to my happiness and without you life is miserable. 

It honestly scares the fuck out of me to say that because I'm afraid that if you think I might be ok if you leave that you won't have a reason to stay. Why? because I am not enough. I am not a worthwhile enough of a person for you to want to actually be with me. Putting that on myself is so much more painful and harder than it is for me to take the easy way out and blame you so I don't have to make any changes. I am getting so pissed off at people that don't want to accept responsibility for the parts of their self esteem that welcome and even invite these feelings, even though I do it too.

I am starting to be more honest with myself and why I had my nervous breakdown. Why did it happen?