my love

I love the way you love me. I know how lucky I am. I don't take that for granted, not for a minute. I love you with every piece of me. Nothing could ever change that. I know it's hard to trust people. It's hard for me to trust you. Really, who wants to be stuck with someone like me? But for some reason you do and nothing NOTHING is bigger than that. No friend could fuck with that EVER. Ok, I'm done now. 

stuff for dubuque

Mines of Spain 

Horseshoe bluff

Fried green tomatoes

stuff I need

Toilet seat

Magic erasers

Shower rod and curtain

More foamy stuff

Tin foil

Seran wrap

WD-40

May baskets

Little cards

CMC

     The CMC has been a fantastic place for me to grow. It has been a safe place where I could learn to open up and let out some of the pain that's been inside me. It's been a place of learning while I went through therapy and worked with staff here to build my self-esteem. And you gave me a home when I couldn't find one anywhere else.

     I appreciate the kindness and understanding of the staff as Ive gone  through therapy. My behaviors didn't always reflect my true feelings toward the cmc. The understanding and concern of the staff supported me through my changes. That is something I haven't found anywhere else in my whole life.

     Leaving the CMC is extremely bittersweet. As much as I am looking forward to having my own place leaving the staff and the other residents behind is very difficult for me. I know that I can come back here and get support whenever I need it which I appreciate but on a deeper level of understanding I know that in my life I will never feel this type of support again.

     As I leave here I have only one real piece of advice for the staff and that would be to put resources first. I was here for over a year before I got started finding services that I desperately needed. Working with ihh, finding food stamps and the free phone that goes with food stamps, finding adequate therapists, and being informed about other options with housing. I feel that if I had started with these things from the beginning My success would have come much quicker and I would be more advanced in my program. I found that the staff was not terribly knowledgeable when it came to me applying for social security or other resources that I truly needed.

I see other residents right now that don't have IDs, don't have social security cards, don't have their birth certificates, have not applied for food stamps yet, don't know about the free phone, have not been provided a direct line to therapists that could actually help them, and hope of finding housing after leaving other than moving across the street.

     I don't mean to criticize the staff because I think they do the best they can but they don't have proper training on helping people with these particular types of issues. As I have said before I am so appreciative of my time here and I don't want to take away from that however that being said there is still a great need on our floor for resources that the staff either doesn't have the knowledge or the time to address.

the whale

I can already tell that this is going to be a life-changing film you don't see them very often but I'm not even halfway through and maybe a quarter of the way through the movie and I've already related to this man in so many ways. I will continue this after I finish it but I just wanted to start that it's already making me think all kinds of things very very inspiring

What the fuck?

I don't think you read this anymore. I have felt a definite emptiness here and on your "number". I don't think you are listening to me at all. In any way. You hate me know and you have another girlfriend that is moving in with you. Was this like when you were going to meet me, or when you were going to marry candy? Or more like when you were going to meet angel and went so far as to buy a ticket to come see you. Or all the times that Shasta was waiting in a hotel for you?  I don't understand you. You have all this love from all these sources and you still don't want it. You push people who care about you away. I hit the four year mark and that don't seem to mean a thing to you. You wanna be done with me, I can't stop ya. I can't make you love me and I sure as hell can't make you not love anyone else. My ADHD won't allow me to stop what's coming out of my mouth. I have it worse that 97% of other people my age and you were the only person who could see through that. You make a joke of me telling me to call you. I know you aren't going to answer me. I don't know what your going to do day to day. Sometimes you are sweet, then your sexy, next thing I know you're insulting and finally you become scarry as fuck. Are you going through some mental health shit on your own or are you really just moving on to Megan and telling me to fuck off. That didn't happen because you got mad at me one night for 15 minutes. But I got to have the relationship I wanted with you for a long time. It was good and you helped me through a lot. I'm so much stronger and more capable now than I was when I met you. I have grown immensely in our time together. I had really felt that you were making some great changes too. I see though that like me you can only hold your shit together for so long.

Im a good girl. I love long and hard. I don't give up. I forgive and forget. I try to be supportive and loving. I try to make you laugh and sometimes I make you cum. I have Integrity but I doubt you could even wrap your head around that. I wonder who you are on the phone with now. Who are you going to sleep with? It definitely isn't me,

stimes i think you intentionally antagonize me so you have an excuse for bailing out on me and leaving me out in the cold because you are busy with other girls right now. You feel guilty for what  you are doing to me and so you pick at me until I get upset and you have an excuse to not talk to me. You heard me this morning. I was hurt, those tears were pain. I just want to go to sleep right now. You have worn me down.

I am processing the fight that we had, coming around a little at a time but it seems as though it doesn't matter one way or another. You said you are through with me, and I guess you are. I have to figure out a way to be ok. It's so hard when I'm used to talking to you 24/7 to all of a sudden not have you in my life at all. Instead though you just ignore me altogether. 

I wish that I could take back all the nasty things I said to you but I can't. And it hurts so bad. I can't even cry anymore. I need an out so bad. My heart is killing me. I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I'm so sorry that I offended you and I wish I would never have said anything about Shasta. You know I hate myself so much for not being a stronger person. 

I have used all my coping skills, even came up with a few new ones, but nothing helps. Sleep is fleeting. Food is disgusting. I really need you. But I know that I will get through this. through. Are you really through with me? You said it and when you said it I felt like you meant it. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. I'm so tired of hurting. I fight myself all day every day to be ok but it never works. I'm doing everything I can, I'm in every kind of therapy I can be. I go to these goddamn groups where I live. For the first time ever I was feeling like we were making it. I felt like we were finally ok. Then I went and fucked it all up. 

I don't know what else to say. I'm finally crying. I guess that's a good first step. 

I'm sorry. I wish I was different. I don't blame you for dumping me. I just don't know where to go from here. I'm starting over again at 48? You are everything to me. I did so well for so long. How did we get here? Why did that have to happen? I didn't want that to happen. I don't blame you for not saying anything to him and in fact I bet you felt like it was about time I had to deal with some of the trucker fall out. 

Please don't leave me. Why does everyone always leave me? Isn't there anyone in the whole world who won't leave me? I'm not saying I don't deserve it but I always thought you were the one person in the world that would stick it out with me. Please god, what am I supposed to do? I need your help. Am I really that bad of a person that no one will stick with me? Why did thaht have to fucking happen. Please come back to me. I hate this pain. 

 I don't want to lose you. I feel fucking sick.

My Love

I'm sorry I talked shit about Shasta. I know that's a trigger for you and I did it anyway. I don't want to hurt you. I am working on my impulse control in therapy and I'm going for ADHD testing today, which would explain some things. I love you, I don't want to fight with you. I miss you terribly. My heart aches without you. I can't eat anything, can't hardly sleep at night. I need you and I am trying. I just need to hang up when I get that upset. That is something I am going to be working very hard on. Things between us were going so well, so well. I hate that I fucked that up. I wish you knew how badly it hurts me that I upset you the way I did. I haven't called the chatline since the incident. I am no longer stalking you and after I cancel my sideline account  I am deleting it from my phone.  Please, try to understand how upset I was. Try to understand how often I do ignore things; kayla??? Brenda??? Isabella??? Megan??? and how much better I have gotten over the last six months or maybe even a year. Tomorrow is 4 years since we started talking and I so terribly want to spend a little time with you. I am so sorry that I upset you, that's the last thing I want to do.

It's my fault

I know that you have good reason to want to end things. I know that I was so far out of line and that what I did is unacceptable. I don't want to do those things. I don't know why I do things like that. What did I get out of doing that? Nothing. What have I lost from doing that? Why would someone choose to lose the person they love most in the world? They wouldn't, I wouldn't. But I understand if enough is enough. I can't argue that.

What I've done so far to try to stop this and begin making amends (whether or not you want to be with me) I haven't gone back out on the chatline. I am not looking for you or listening to find out who you are talking to or what you are talking about. I am just trying to go on. 

I can't change the fact that I fucked up. I wish I could. But I can stop it where it's at and do my best to make sure it doesn't happen again. That's the only thing I can do. I can stop participating in the anger and the fighting. I can stay off the chatline. I can take the sideline off my phone. I can continue to do what I've been taught to do. I can watch tv or a movie, I can sing, I can do a tiktok, I can suck my thumb, I can sleep, I can take a bath or clean something, I can have a snack, I can paint, I could get my ashes and try that do a little experiment with my ashes. There are so many things I can do.

Why didn't I do those things last night? I was too upset and I wasn't thinking the right way. That's it. I'm not going to make excuses or lie. I am just going to take responsibility for my actions and apologize. I'm sorry last night happened. I wish I could take it back or that I would have kept my mouth shut. There was a reason you denied that you were talking to me. I should have gone with it, but I didn't. Can't be changed. But that set everything else in motion. 

But don't get this fucked up. Regardless of what you say, you know that I am not doomed to be with you. I have been with you because I love you and want to be with you. I have been with you because you make me laugh and because I make you laugh. I have been with you because of your guitar and meeko and our conversations. I have been with you because you are smart and again because you are funny as hell. I have been with you for so many reasons. Mushrooms and hail satan, reservation dogs and shoe painting, artists and photographers, illnesses and breakdowns and Love. 

I love you. I hope that you calm down and that you can forgive me. I'm not sure what parts of that you are most upset over and although it matter's, it doesn't. I'm sorry for talking all that shit too. It's so frustrating because I don't want to be the person that does those things and says those things but then I am. I try really hard to make better choices and do things differently but sometimes it just isn't enough. 

Work Storage

 knhieu@brainfuse.com with the following items:

Email Subject Line: "PRIORITY Indeed Applicant – Brainfuse Math Coordinator"

Email Attachments:
- Resume
- A copy of your bachelor’s degree (or higher) or unofficial transcripts that show your qualifications for teaching mathematics
- Teaching License or Certificate (preferred, but optional)

Please share a detailed overview of your experience and skills that align with the requirements of the Math Coordinator role.

Also, confirm that you have the following equipment ready:
- Personal computer or laptop
- Fast and stable internet connection that can handle streaming for multiple devices
- Integrated or standalone microphone with clear audio output

Please state your availability (e.g. Mon - Fri, 10 AM – 1AM ET), whether you are looking to apply for the full time or part time position, and your earliest available start date.

We are looking to rapidly hire many Coordinators and can only review fully completed applications with all the components above. Please be prepared to complete and provide the typical pre-employment materials in case we decide to proceed with your application (W-4 Form, I-9 Form, I-9 Acceptable Documents, State Tax Withholding Form – if applicable, Direct Deposit Form and a voided check).

Thank you,
Kevin Nhieu
Program Manager
knhieu@brainfuse.com

What am I supposed to do

I don't know what I can do to make this better. I'm still on one. This has been very upsetting to me. I don't want to fight with you or lose you to Shasta. I love you and I always have, you know that. When I met the Mormon I felt like I was meeting the bigfoot or something. I feel like you should get me a shirt that says "I met the Mormon and lived to tell about it" For real. And I really wish that you could move on from it. It was a mistake fuel headed by the creature itself. He did it to cause problems for us, and here nearly 4 years later it is still causing us problems. I remember the next day you were just so mean and cold to me. And now all this stupid chatline stuff is coming back up in my life. I don't want this to be my life.

But then I think about you meeting Shasta and it's devastating to me. DEVASTATING! Is that how you feel about me meeting the Mormon? Does it make you sick to your stomach? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry if I've made you feel that way. I don't want you to feel bad. I don't want you to feel so betrayed and decieved. Having to wonder and worry about what we talked about, what we did with each other. I did a stupid thing. I didn't know it was going to be so upsetting to you at the time because you have so many girlfriends why would you care so much about me.

You know that I have worked hard to become a different person. To not need male attention to make myself feel ok. That I don't need to go on that chatline to make myself feel special or important. You did that for me. You made me realize that 1) I have to keep myself ok. I can't rely on anyone else, even you, to make me feel like I'm going to be ok. You make me feel good. I love you and I feel loved by you. I make you laugh sometimes. I hear you laugh sometimes. 2) I don't need that chatline to be ok. I can be ok, and actually more ok if I just stay off of there. That place is just full of wicked hurt. 

I'm assuming you are super pissed at me now because of what I did earlier. I was so hurt. I was so angry and beside myself. I wasn't thinking, I was acting out of uncontrollable emotions because you told me that Shasta was coming to see you. I have put all my effort into changing my ways and becoming a better person. Yes, I went on the chatline tonight a few times but I didn't say a single word to anyone. Not that it matters but I didn't. 

The Box

On the floor there is a box.

The box is open, the lid is laying next to it

I have begun folding and wrapping all of my beautiful things and putting them in this box.

I have moved many times.

This time is not the hardest.

I don't know when I'm going to go, it's not up to me.

But I know that when it's time, I'll be ready to go, much more than last time.

I will slip the lid on the box and put it on a shelf and then I will walk away.

I will be okay.

I love you

That is all.

Ugh!

There are wild horses running up hills and there are trees for as far as your eye can see. You want to get up and froclick in the warm sun and the cool breeze. I can see it in my mind. I can see me sitting in a shitttiy little apartment next to neighbors that suck. I want more for myself. I really love horses. I really do. I love singing even though I'm not very good at it. It's fun amd it makes me feel good. That's how I feel about tik tok and how I feel about my game. Sucking my thumb, wetting my pasts and having nasty coughing fits. I know I have problems but I think with the help of a community service provider I will be able to manage my bills and money. Help getting my food togetehr and maybe who knows I just need help.

 

why?

I don't understand why you do this. Why for a moment you're the most sweet and loving man I've ever met in my life and then as if somebody pushed a button you turn into someone cold and calculating and cruel. So when you are so good to me it's almost like a warning sign it's something bad is about to happen. But I still love you. And I don't care what you do when you're not with me, that is none of my business. I couldn't go to sleep last night so I took some sleeping pills and I came out and had a cigarette and when I went back upstairs I didn't want to go in my room because I was watching tick tock and I didn't want to bother neema so I sat down on the living room couch and fell asleep. And I listened to you snore half the night.

This is why I don't ask for your phone number or suggest that I move to Oklahoma or even suggest that I take f****** trip to Oklahoma because it pushes you over the edge. I know you're upset about the LIE I understand that one completely. But I know that you somehow forgave me for it for a few days.

I'm having a hard time with life and you know that. I don't know if that's why you continue to be nice to me or if it was something else. But I'll repeat the same thing that I've said before I'm not going to fight with you. I respect you too much I respect myself too much and I respect our relationship too much to do that to either one of us anymore. All the hateful things you're saying, you can save it. I'm very sorry for not being honest with you. If I could go back and make a different decision I would.

I have a life to live though and I can't throw it all away because you're being mean to me or because you won't talk to me. I have to fill out forms today I have to get my food stamps together, I have to get my insurance together, I have to deal with the student loan s***, I have to file my taxes, I need to go to Meddie labs and get blood work done for the doctor for my diabetes, and on top of all of it I have to go to family therapy with Lily today. And then with them leaving I have all of that to process. If you really think it's prudent to be cruel to me or just not talk to me at all that f****** sucks. That's a dick move. But I can't stop you. All I can do is wait and love you, that's all I have in me.

I'm sorry

    I'm sorry. I wish I would have told you at the time but I was scared you were going to be upset. And I think I was right. I needed a place to go and it was all I could afford at the time. It was literally the ONLY place I could fine.  I understand that you are upset with me. I wish we could just talk about it. I don't know if the shasta shit is true or not. I don't know for sure about anythinthg. I just can't fight with you. I love you and I don't want to say anything that is going to hurt you. I don't want you to hurt me either. I know I love you and you love me. I understand right now you might feel like you don't want to love me. I know that this could be a deal breaker. I don't know why I thought it was ok to tell you last night. That was a fucked up thing to do, to mention it like it was no big deal. Fuck me. seriously, sometimes I'm a fucking asshole. I just wish I had told you at the time but we were fighting so badly during that time. I was trying not to kill myself. I was and I'm sure you can remember that. I deserve to be punished. I just hope you can try to look at the situation I was in at the time and what my options were. I could have lived in my car. I love you and I don't want to fucking fight with you. I hope that there is a way that I can make amends to you. I miss you. I tried to answer the phone earlier but I still had gloves on and when I pulled my phone out it hung up. I'm so sorry if you're feelings are hurt or if you are angry. I will do whatever you need me to do. 

so tired

All I can figure is that I'm adjusting to my new meds. But I was trying and just couldn't stay awake. This has happened before but I didn't take anything. I just made a complete ass of myself. I'll tell you about that later.

hate me?

I don't think you hate me. I don't think that you really believe that I'm cheating on you because you know me. I'm sure sorry if I've done anything to make you think that because there is nothing or no one, that could ever be worth losing you over. Lily and I are going through something and I think that it's going to have a really big impact on the relationship I have with them both because I don't know that I'll ever be able to feel good about myself really if they are always waiting for me to do something wrong they don't trust me and maybe they shouldn't. Maybe this is the point at which we need to part ways a little bit for a while and when I say that I don't mean to stop talking to them but just letting them really figure out how they feel about the past and coming to grips with it on their own terms. I don't think I was the worst mother ever I could have done a whole lot worse they're great successful good people but they blame me for a lot and I don't think that they want to admit it or something I don't know but my heart's been hurting over that. And I've been longing for some stuff that I probably shouldn't like a disconnect from reality now which is what I had the other night. It's not something I intend on doing very often because obviously it has an impact on the control I have over my behaviors and that's probably what took me out on the f****** chat line last night. Yes in case you didn't know I was on the chat line last night. I've been waiting so long or feeling like I'm getting back I'm getting back I'm going to be there but maybe I'm not and maybe that's a good thing because that wasn't a good place to be I was solid as a f****** rock yeah but all the things I had to do to stay there no I don't want to live that kind of life anymore you know I know you know that. I am scared of losing you I'm always scared of losing you. I'm scared that you're going to find somebody better than me and you're not going to want to talk to me anymore. Last night I was extremely scared the way that you talk to me scared the s*** out of me. Because I thought we were staying away from there but I also thought I was staying away from the chat line yet there I was. I hate when this thing stops recording when I'm still talking about really good things but anyway I'm sure you know that I was on the chat line and maybe that's why you were being so verbally Stern with me I really hope you don't think I'm cheating on you that would just break my heart it really would you know there's a part of me that doesn't believe anyone could love me and that's the way that you love me so my mind comes it tries to come up with reasons why you know where is the proof proof I don't need proof I just know. The proof is you continue to call me and you listen to me you pretend like you don't sometimes but you do you care about me and I care so much about you and I wish so badly so so badly that whatever it is that holds us apart could just disappear. Sometimes I think that makes me a fool but other times I think it makes me the luckiest person in the world. I was talking about yesterday and she said that most people will never find what we have what we have together most people will never experience that in their whole life. I don't know I hope I haven't f***** up where things were for us because we worked so f****** hard to get there. You are the place where I go to rest the place where I go to recharge a place where I'm safe. I just want you to know that I love you and I miss you and I'm sorry if I did anything to make you feel bad because that's one of the very last things I want to do

omg

I'm struggling. I'm having a really hard time right now. I'm sorry about my phone, I do the best I can. I just want to hear your voice. I don't think it's gonna happen though. I love you. Remember that I love you.

Pam

This chick is on my mother f****** nerves and I have no one to talk about it cuz it's so f****** Petty it's so stupid but she drives me f****** nuts I cannot stand her I cannot stand being around her she just everything she does just annoys the f*** out of me I say can I go take a break to get a drink and then she gets up let's go have a puff no b**** that's not how you do it that's not how you get out of group and now they know that I'm out smoking a cigarette instead of them thinking I'm going to get a drink you dumb f****** b**** God you just stay in your own m************ Lane ever you always inserting yourself into s*** that is none of your business whether it's my food or my car whatever you're always getting up in my s*** leave me alone you cow

I'm sorry

I came o over to Hannah's with McDonald's and didn't have enough hands for everything so I ended up leaving the phone down here and I came down to smoke a cigarette and hear you done called me a bunch of times. I hate when this happens. I love you, she's going to help me apply for unemployment. I'm still trying to figure out whether or not I should just sit on unemployment or get a job. I'm sorry I missed you, I miss you. I love you. I'll talk to you soon.

I love you

My dreams have been so vivid and so full lately. You always there with me. Always fighting my fight with me and me for you. I love what we've become. I love you and I'm starting to love me. 

what the fuck?

I cleaned for I don't know how long, my phone was plugged in the whole time. I'm at 8%. I'm gonna have to get a new charger.

I have to clean

I am doing some cleaning around here today. I have to charge my phone so I won't be with it for awhile. Please don't ghost me again. I don't know why I'm worried about this today but I am. I love you.

the last couple days

I know the last couple days have been kind of wonky. I didn't have my right charger and my phone wouldn't stay charged it kept dying last night it died again at like 1:30 in the morning and I caught it right I caught it right as it was dying but it was too late 135 in the morning. I don't want you to feel unwanted or unloved. I am still doing all of this for you. See it stopped stopped recording me before I was done talking. But I really feel like I'm ready I'm standing up. I'm figuring things out I'm feeling more solid. This s*** at proto ain't nothing to me. I don't know if I'm done feeling weak I'm sure I'm not I'm sure that I'll have days where I still feel like I don't know what the f*** I'm doing or how I'm going to do it but I am definitely at a place where I feel like I can try and manage some things. I feel so good that this guy is going to be helping me now. I think that with his help I'm going to be able to get all my s*** together and he's going to stay with me not stay with me but he's going to work with me through the transition of me moving from here to an apartment. I'm tired of waiting for my social security I'm still not probably ready to work a full-time job though. I don't want to overwhelm myself and end up falling apart. I am concerned a little that you never seem to want to be with me like that. I don't know if that's really how you feel, I do a lot of assuming. But I want us to connect like that and I'm lonely for you in that way. I love you so much and I don't feel like you're attracted to me anymore. You kind of said last night that you aren't. Did I misunderstand that? You said stop bringing it up. But I can't just switch off my sexuality, I need you like that. I can feel it all stirring around in there waiting to bust out. And I really I'm ready for a trip to the meditation room if you know what I mean. When I try to do it by myself I'm unhappy because I feel like part of me is missing a sexual part of me is missing. And I know I have a hard time with it and sometimes I can't do it maybe that makes you feel a certain kind of way. Maybe you aren't attracted to me because it's so hard for me to get turned on. That's not you, it's my f****** medication. But I need you I need you so bad. I wish I could give you a family a baby. I wish I hadn't met you when I was younger and we could have f***** our brains out like bunnies. I miss the days when we would lay in bed and f*** all day long. Seeing my battery is at 15% again it was plugged in all f****** night. I don't understand why this happens. Sometimes I feel like the universe is truly working against me. Anyway I love you, I'm thinking about you, I miss you. I might try to go up there and masturbate but I'm just missing you.

I Love You

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You have taught me how to love and what faith and belief in someone really means. You've made me look at myself and the way I treat other people and make real changes to be the best person I can be. No one else in my life was ever able to do that. You've shown me that I have to think before I react and how to be empathetic to how my actions effect others. I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. I get upset with you, of course I do. The lessons I've learned have not been easy ones. But I love you, and I always will. No matter what. I have no interest in a boy that knows nothing about life, can't make me laugh, doesn't know and accept all the things about me. I sure as hell can't trust anyone in the world to understand anything about me like you. You walked through the valley of a shadow of death with me. I miss fucking you but it seems like when we get up to it you just change the subject. It makes me a little sad but I'm not going to fight about it. I try not to fight with you at all

 I want us both to be happy.If your upset with the conversation I had with Melissa yesterday, I'm sorry. You have allowed yourself to be vulnerable with me lately and I love you for it. But it's not your normal state of being and I have wondered if you've been OK. Baby, you mean the world to me. I am concerned that you're going to disappear on me again but I have to learn to live with it. And that really sucks but it seems to be a part of my life. Don't make it worse by fighting with me about stupid shit. I just don't have that in me anymore. I love you.

This is the year it starts to pay off

All the hard work I've been doing and all the lessons I've learned have brought me to this time. I'm going to find the right job and the right place to live. I'm going to own up to my responsibilities and enjoy the rewards I've earned. It might not be the easiest year but it will be the most rewarding year of my life. I feel this above all things. I just need to keep my eyes on the prize now.

Happy New Year!

 We weren't together for the new year. Close but no cigar. I was passed the fuck out. I wake up, think my phone is dead and have to drive my ass all the way across town just to discover that you never attempted to call me after midnight. My phone would have died anyway but boy, you could have at least tried to call me. 😪😭. Happy New Year. From work. I love you. 2:24 AM. I'll be heading back home now.