the last couple days

I know the last couple days have been kind of wonky. I didn't have my right charger and my phone wouldn't stay charged it kept dying last night it died again at like 1:30 in the morning and I caught it right I caught it right as it was dying but it was too late 135 in the morning. I don't want you to feel unwanted or unloved. I am still doing all of this for you. See it stopped stopped recording me before I was done talking. But I really feel like I'm ready I'm standing up. I'm figuring things out I'm feeling more solid. This s*** at proto ain't nothing to me. I don't know if I'm done feeling weak I'm sure I'm not I'm sure that I'll have days where I still feel like I don't know what the f*** I'm doing or how I'm going to do it but I am definitely at a place where I feel like I can try and manage some things. I feel so good that this guy is going to be helping me now. I think that with his help I'm going to be able to get all my s*** together and he's going to stay with me not stay with me but he's going to work with me through the transition of me moving from here to an apartment. I'm tired of waiting for my social security I'm still not probably ready to work a full-time job though. I don't want to overwhelm myself and end up falling apart. I am concerned a little that you never seem to want to be with me like that. I don't know if that's really how you feel, I do a lot of assuming. But I want us to connect like that and I'm lonely for you in that way. I love you so much and I don't feel like you're attracted to me anymore. You kind of said last night that you aren't. Did I misunderstand that? You said stop bringing it up. But I can't just switch off my sexuality, I need you like that. I can feel it all stirring around in there waiting to bust out. And I really I'm ready for a trip to the meditation room if you know what I mean. When I try to do it by myself I'm unhappy because I feel like part of me is missing a sexual part of me is missing. And I know I have a hard time with it and sometimes I can't do it maybe that makes you feel a certain kind of way. Maybe you aren't attracted to me because it's so hard for me to get turned on. That's not you, it's my f****** medication. But I need you I need you so bad. I wish I could give you a family a baby. I wish I hadn't met you when I was younger and we could have f***** our brains out like bunnies. I miss the days when we would lay in bed and f*** all day long. Seeing my battery is at 15% again it was plugged in all f****** night. I don't understand why this happens. Sometimes I feel like the universe is truly working against me. Anyway I love you, I'm thinking about you, I miss you. I might try to go up there and masturbate but I'm just missing you.