why?

I don't understand why you do this. Why for a moment you're the most sweet and loving man I've ever met in my life and then as if somebody pushed a button you turn into someone cold and calculating and cruel. So when you are so good to me it's almost like a warning sign it's something bad is about to happen. But I still love you. And I don't care what you do when you're not with me, that is none of my business. I couldn't go to sleep last night so I took some sleeping pills and I came out and had a cigarette and when I went back upstairs I didn't want to go in my room because I was watching tick tock and I didn't want to bother neema so I sat down on the living room couch and fell asleep. And I listened to you snore half the night.

This is why I don't ask for your phone number or suggest that I move to Oklahoma or even suggest that I take f****** trip to Oklahoma because it pushes you over the edge. I know you're upset about the LIE I understand that one completely. But I know that you somehow forgave me for it for a few days.

I'm having a hard time with life and you know that. I don't know if that's why you continue to be nice to me or if it was something else. But I'll repeat the same thing that I've said before I'm not going to fight with you. I respect you too much I respect myself too much and I respect our relationship too much to do that to either one of us anymore. All the hateful things you're saying, you can save it. I'm very sorry for not being honest with you. If I could go back and make a different decision I would.

I have a life to live though and I can't throw it all away because you're being mean to me or because you won't talk to me. I have to fill out forms today I have to get my food stamps together, I have to get my insurance together, I have to deal with the student loan s***, I have to file my taxes, I need to go to Meddie labs and get blood work done for the doctor for my diabetes, and on top of all of it I have to go to family therapy with Lily today. And then with them leaving I have all of that to process. If you really think it's prudent to be cruel to me or just not talk to me at all that f****** sucks. That's a dick move. But I can't stop you. All I can do is wait and love you, that's all I have in me.