What am I supposed to do

I don't know what I can do to make this better. I'm still on one. This has been very upsetting to me. I don't want to fight with you or lose you to Shasta. I love you and I always have, you know that. When I met the Mormon I felt like I was meeting the bigfoot or something. I feel like you should get me a shirt that says "I met the Mormon and lived to tell about it" For real. And I really wish that you could move on from it. It was a mistake fuel headed by the creature itself. He did it to cause problems for us, and here nearly 4 years later it is still causing us problems. I remember the next day you were just so mean and cold to me. And now all this stupid chatline stuff is coming back up in my life. I don't want this to be my life.

But then I think about you meeting Shasta and it's devastating to me. DEVASTATING! Is that how you feel about me meeting the Mormon? Does it make you sick to your stomach? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry if I've made you feel that way. I don't want you to feel bad. I don't want you to feel so betrayed and decieved. Having to wonder and worry about what we talked about, what we did with each other. I did a stupid thing. I didn't know it was going to be so upsetting to you at the time because you have so many girlfriends why would you care so much about me.

You know that I have worked hard to become a different person. To not need male attention to make myself feel ok. That I don't need to go on that chatline to make myself feel special or important. You did that for me. You made me realize that 1) I have to keep myself ok. I can't rely on anyone else, even you, to make me feel like I'm going to be ok. You make me feel good. I love you and I feel loved by you. I make you laugh sometimes. I hear you laugh sometimes. 2) I don't need that chatline to be ok. I can be ok, and actually more ok if I just stay off of there. That place is just full of wicked hurt. 

I'm assuming you are super pissed at me now because of what I did earlier. I was so hurt. I was so angry and beside myself. I wasn't thinking, I was acting out of uncontrollable emotions because you told me that Shasta was coming to see you. I have put all my effort into changing my ways and becoming a better person. Yes, I went on the chatline tonight a few times but I didn't say a single word to anyone. Not that it matters but I didn't.