The Basics

I am here to take my meds everyday, take a shower everyday, eat 3 meals a day, drink water, sleep, monitor my blood sugar, kick pot and stay off the fucking chatline. I know it may not seem like it because I have such a "bad attitude" but I am doing a lot of work right now. And it feels good. I am here to get clean I guess you could say. 

I'm scared of losing you. I know why you stopped talking to me, I think. I don't know sometimes I think that you just want to spend time with other people so you hang up on me, treat me like shit. Other times I think that you are just mad at me and treating me like shit because of it. Maybe it's both, maybe neither. 

Are you trying to get rid of me for real? I suppose, because I can't figure out how to say I'm sorry. I honestly felt like doing this, being here would let you know how truly sorry I am. How committed I am to changing the way things are. That I'm willing to put myself away just to make you more comfortable. But it doesn't seem to mean anything to you. If anything it seems to make you more angry than you already are. 

I asked you what I have to do. You said I need to change my attitude. The next phone call we have you are just straight evil to me. I am not going to strike out at you or try to get revenge on you. I know why you are upset with me and if you would stop being an asshole for 10 minutes I would be able to let you know that but you are being so mean to me I don't have an opportunity to tell you I'm sorry. 

Chris, I'm sorry that I embarrassed you. I'm sorry that I freaked out and went on the chatline and humiliated you. I'm sorry that sometimes I get paranoid and let my emotions run crazy, I let my emotions control everything I do sometimes. I am trying to train my brain to respond differently. And I am doing all of this for us. So that we don't go through these things anymore. I recognize that last time might be the last time. I realize that. I'm trying to deal with that too. 

I don't want to fight with you. I love you. I am extremely angry with you for not being a bigger person than this. You know how hard it is for me sometimes. You know how hard I struggle to simply not call the chatline. That all by itself takes 100 percent of my attention sometimes. I have to focus and readjust my attention to other things. I have to remind myself that it is better for everyone if I just stay the fuck away from there. It's an addiction I guess. Lord knows, if anyone knows that it is you. 

I don't feel justified in calling there and harassing you. I don't enjoy doing it. It's compulsitory (I guess this is my own made up word but I think you get my drift) and I fucking hate this feeling of being driven from one room to the next, one chatline to the next. Like a big hand on my shoulder pushing me and pushing me. 

I ran out of my mood stabilizer when I had covid and never got the script refilled because I was feeling better. Then my dad died, then I ran out of diabetes medicine. So what when I go home I'm supposed to be starting a brand new job. Actually literally today I was supposed to start. I don't know but they might let me go. At this point I don't even care because I think I will make too much money for my social security if I work a whole month there. I'm sure I'll be good for a month but six months from now I'm going to be unemployed again and trying to figure out how to pay my bills. This is not the life that I signed up for. 

I have a lot of remorse, regret, guilt and shame over losing my job at Fort Dodge. I was there for 15 years. That classroom was my life and I still haven't processed that loss, I've been running from it for years. Have you ever worked anywhere that long? I still wish I could go back. My life made sense then. I got up in the morning and did something that made me important. There were so many people that relied on me having my shit together. I had 5 fucking staff under me. When there was a problem with a kid, no matter the age, they would come get me for help and support. When kids ran from their own classrooms they came to mine. I was well respected and all that changed because a mother decided to get me fired. 

I loved those kids with all my heart. The kid that got me fired, he was a sweet boy that was being hurt by his family. I didn't lock him in a room. I used that time out room sometimes but only when a kid was trying to really fuck somebody else up. If a kid threw a fucking fit and tore the classroom apart but wasn't hurting other kids I pulled everyone out of the room and waited for him to quit. After he calmed down I would help him clean the room up. 

If a kid was throwing a fit sometimes I would take him to the store or bring him an ice cream because sometimes when we are upset and acting out we can't stop ourselves and we need some kind of intervention, something to make it ok to stop what you are doing without "losing". Big emotions are hard to deal with, I know that better than anyone. My big emotions have ruined a lot of things for me. Anyway, I went on a bit of a tangent there. 

My point was or is I guess, that I was a great teacher and that was stolen from me. Where did it start? I would never want my children to hear me say this but when they left home and it started with the oldest, I got scared. I got really scared because I knew I was going to end up alone. I had BPD then too I just didn't know it. I didn't have a label for what was wrong with me in fact I didn't really think there was anything wrong with me. I just went about my life hurting people and didn't ever think about it. 

You talk about my kids like they are bad people but they are fucking saints. SAINTS! I used and abused them for years when they were at home. I made them run get everything for me, wouldn't grocery shop that last year, hannah was making good money and she was paying a couple of my bills for me. Every bad emotion I had was their fault somehow. Just like I do to you now. Oh, I hate this. I hate to admit these things because I know what kind of a monster I was to them. Do they hate me? Do they try to hurt me? Do they try to get revenge or even try to separate themselves from me? No. They know that I love them, they know that I would do anything for them, they know I would never just sit idly by while something bad happened to them. I would kill for them, the same as I would do for you.

But when my oldest left home I decided I needed a "real" boyfriend. I had dated a few guys but never anything very serious. I was quick to dump someone that I thought wasn't good enough for me. The chief of fucking police Doug Utley had a son named Sean. Ok so I thought, this works. This will be great for me and my kids. It will look really good and I liked him. He fucking moved into my house and then I find out he's a tweaker. Yeah so we fought like crazy because I wanted him out of my house. The last time I fucked with him he took a swing at my face and almost fell down cuz he was drunk and then threw an unopened can of beer at me and it hit me. I still have a bruise, it never went away. So fucking weird. 

I didn't get another boyfriend until after Hannah left home, that was josh. Then I went through some meth stuff which didn't improve anything. My life was worse and more complicated than ever. I still wasn't trying to fix myself. I still blamed him for all my emotions. I blamed him for all my choices. I didn't realize how fucked up I was then. I carried that sickness into our relationship. It's your fault I'm sad, it's your fault I'm angry, it's your fault I can't handle anything. 

Then I went to work at the Lutheran School and that was a nightmare basically from the beginning. Those teachers and parents did not like me. When the priest died I hid in my house. That was fucked up, you remember. I didn't want to see or be around anyone but they expected me to be there for my students. Sorry, couldn't do it. I just couldn't. So I was shunned and then eventually I was targeted. And you stuck up for me. You were in my corner for real. You told that bitch and you saved me. I think that's when I started to really love you.

A love that is unbreakable. There is nothing or no one that could ever change that love I have for you. Even if you wish it, you can't undo making a person feel the way you made me feel. I have never in my life had someone stick up for me before. I've never had someone that was willing to fight for me instead of against me. It was one of the most intense feelings I've ever had. I was not alone anymore, and I knew it. I felt it inside me. I just knew. 

Even as fucked up as I was back then still, I knew what we had was special and I was going to do anything I could for you. And I have. I have done everything I did for you. Everything I still do is for you. Why am I here? Why do you think I put myself in here? I did it for us. I can't lose you and I know I've done so much to push you away. I've tried so hard to push you away but somehow you hang on. When I think I've done the absolute most you have still been here for me. Even if it is just a fucking hang up call. Just to let me know that you're still here. When you didn't talk to me for 5 days I felt like I was dying. And I'm always almost sure you're on the verge of walking away from me, you don't. But that 5 days did something to me. 

I decided I needed to stop smoking pot. I needed to get my health in order if I am going to ever do anything good for myself. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to just stop in the middle of all this mess and do what I need to do, I just have way too many excuses to keep doing what I was doing. This has been a good break, a pause and reset in my recovery. I have to recover, failure is not an option. Why? Because I don't want to live without you baby. I don't. 

I have to get well. I have to stay well. So here I sit in a stabilization unit. Taking all my meds, not smoking weed, eating healthier, drinking water, showering everyday. Do you know that I'm not sure in my whole life if I've ever showered 5 days in a row. EVER. It feels a bit wasteful to me. I'm wasting water, wasting shampoo. And I don't think it's really changed the way I feel inside. It is an experience though, taking care of myself the way I would take care of a child. Using my skin care shit. 

I painted a picture of my anger last night. It did a lot of good too. My feelings were coming out onto the canvas and I felt like I was letting it out. I didn't scream or hit myself, until we were on the phone together. I'm just so fucking angry. I'm angry that I am being punished for something that I didn't choose to do and that is hard for me. But you, well I do understand why you feel the way you do. I know that my reactions are my responsibility. I know that I have to let you live your life. I can't control you and I don't try to. My point is to make you feel the way I feel and that is ugly as fuck. That is not who I want to be. 

I know you've probably heard all of this before but I have to keep trying. I don't want to give up and I don't want you giving up on me. I know that you have for the time being. I know you need to be away from me right now and I assume that's why you aren't speaking to me. You need a break from the crazy. I wish I could get a break from it. I can't expect anything else from you right now. Last night was awful, I hate fighting with you like that. I smashed my phone into my head a couple of times and just went kinda comatose after our conversations. 

I am taking that DBT class online. I've been practicing mindfulness. I've been working on this thought diffusion thing but it's hard. It's exhausting to have to examine each of my thoughts. To figure out where I am going wrong. You try it for 1 hour. Everytime you have a thought, deconstruct it. Figure out where your thinking is wrong and set it right. It's not easy and even harder to admit it to other people. I want to apologize to you. Ask you to forgive me but I am so fucking angry right now. Not at you but when you say or do something mean it becomes about you. All of it becomes about you. I don't know why my brain and my heart do that. 

I know you are a good person Chris, and I know that you want good things for me. Even if you say otherwise I know it's true. You say "Hail Satan" like I say I want to see Shastas insides. It doesn't really mean anything. It's anger pouring out of me, anyway I can get it out of me. I need that out of me. I am trying to find ways to express my anger so it doesn't explode out of me like that but it's hard. I need to break some shit. When I get out of here I'm going to the goodwill and buying a bunch of dishes and then I'm going to go somewhere and break all of them. I'm going to smash them. I'm going to scream and yell and cry. Until I can't anymore. 

I'm angry that my father was the man he was. I needed a dad. I needed him to protect me but he only made my problems worse. He wasn't a horrible man. He loved me in his own way. The shit he did to me was drug and alcohol fueled. He never did anything like that when I was a kid. As an adult? I don't know why he did what he did. I was so disgusted with him for that, I just couldn't deal with him anymore. Now I have to feel guilty for abandoning him at the end of his life. How is it that he put me through all that shit and never had to take responsibility for what he did to me? Never. He always hid behind his problems.

I think I've done that to my children too. I take and take from them and then blame my mental illness. Yes, my MI does play a huge role in why I want to do the things I do. But I have to be responsible for my choices and my actions. I have to make better choices. This last month has been hard, harder. I know that my dad dying had something to do with it. Being locked in that hotel for a week, you not talking to me for 2 days then and then 5 last week. I know you are just trying to protect yourself, you have to do that but that doesn't make being without you any easier for me. 

And that's why I checked myself in here. I know that if I don't make some changes I am going to lose you forever and I just can't bear the thought of that. I'm worried that I already lost you. That every interaction we have has been bad. ugly. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to take care of myself so I am capable of being healthy in a relationship with you. 

Part of that is up to you too though. It takes 2 people to have a good relationship. You have to try to trust me more too. I just want to stay off the chatlines but sometimes I get so lonely and I just want to talk to someone. Anyone, I don't care who. I don't want to have phone sex with other people. I don't want to talk to other people but you get tired of me and then if I try to reach out to other people you get angry at me. 

You know everything I've done. I know that. I can't hide anything from you and I understand that. It makes me crazy sometimes because I know nothing about you but the different versions of different stories you tell me. One day I'm the only girl, the next girl I'm not even your girl. I know I probably deserve that shit too for the way I've talked to you on the chatline. The things I've said you said. No one could ever get me to turn on you or go against you. 

I pledged my love and my honor to you a long time ago. After my dad died I went through some weird sexual shit that I had a hard time getting through. Going without you for 5 days was really fucking hard. I didn't understand why you were doing it to me at the time. It's so fucking weird how I just block out what I've done and only see what you do. I think it's because the feelings are so huge I can't control them sometimes. 

At this point I feel like I've started just reiterating things I've already said. I don't want to be redundant. I just can't express enough to you that I am committed to changing. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't. I am trying to get more supports in place for me so I can avoid these situations in the future. I'm trying to get voc rehab to help me with whatever job I end up taking. I am trying to find domestic violence counseling and a group for that. I still have my groups at the CMC and will probably stay there until they kick me out. If I'm ready to live on my own at that point I will. If I'm not I will look into a hab home which is a house with 4 or 5 other people that struggle with the same things that I do. There is a staff person there to help with appointments and meds and all that kind of stuff. 

I am trying to get better baby. I'm doing everything I can to come out of this. I need to process this sexual abuse shit too. It wreaks havoc on my life and you know that. The fucking struggles I have because of it. I never let that shit bother me before. I did it for work and for fun. I don't want to like those awful things though. I don't want that to make my pussy wet. You make my pussy wet, I don't need all that other shit. But it is still a pulse inside me. I thought it was over but it reared it's ugly head again. I'm sure it had something to do with my dad. 

Just know this, I love you. I loved you the day you told me about the mushrooms and not a day has passed since that day that I haven't thought of you. Not one day. I don't want to be with anyone but you. You mean everything to me and I will do whatever I have to do to keep you in my life. That's not a threat, I'm saying if I have to lock myself up to get off pot or stay off the chatline that is what I am going to do. 

They shut my phone off and I don't know if I'm going to be able to get it turned back on today. I hope so, being without a phone is no fun. I'm out of cigarettes too. The food here sucks. I would rather be home but I am getting out of here tomorrow. Until then, I am going to continue to work on expressing this anger in healthy ways, and staying physically responsible. What I want to do is take this with me. Continue to get ready in the morning, taking a bath once in awhile at night, eating 3 meals (even if they are small) getting food stamps so I can eat regularly and better, I'm going to drink water everyday, 

I'm done repeating myself. At this point I'm just enjoying sitting out here and typing away. I miss typing away. I miss you. Please can't we try to move on. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I don't want to hurt you. I'm just trying to make this life of mine work somehow. I wish it wasn't like this. If I could snap my fingers and change, I would. Believe me I would. Ok, I'm done now. My phone is back on, yay! I love you and I do love myself or I wouldn't be in this place.