All about me

ME

1. My Dad

                        a. Guilt

                                I. I should have reached out to him before he died.

                                II. He must have been so lonely there.

                                III. I am making a big deal out of nothing and punished him for no reason.

                        b. Sexual Shit\

                                I. He made terrible choices when I was young.

                                II. He put me in very uncomfortable positions

                                III. He exposed me to things I never should have been exposed to.

                                IV. Because of his drinking, he allowed himself to do things he knew were wrong.

                                V. He fucked up my sexuality.

                        c. Abandonment 

                                I. All I wanted was his love and attention

                                II. He should not have been a parent

                                III. I suffered because he was too lazy to figure out how to be a dad

                                IV. How dare he expect anything from me after the way he treated me?

                2. My Job

                        a. money

                                I. I don't have enough

                                II. I need more

                        b. Joy

                                I. I can't work somewhere that I don't feel comfortable.

                                II. I need to feel fulfilled in my career

                        c. My mental health

                                I. routine with flexibility

                                II. Job needs to know about disability for accomidations

                                III. Job that will work with that.

                3. My Future

                        a. what will happen to me, where will I end up

                                I. Huge anxiety around this

                                II. Can't keep a job

                                III. Can't keep up with Bills

                        b. How can I be ok

                                I. Social Security

                                II. HUD

                                III. Food Stamps/Medicaid

                                IV. My Taxes

                                V. Get a Job that works for me

                4.  Finances

                        a. Bills to pay

                                I. 3 more car payments

                                II. I owe my children money

                                III. I owe the CMC a lot of money

                                IV. I got into an accident without insurance, got a bunch of tickets and lost my                                             license. This is going to be a nasty mess to clean up.

                        b. Where to get the money

                                I. Work

                                II. Doordash

                                III. Food Stamps

                                IV. Taxes

                                V. Square

                5. Chris

                        a. Other girls

                                  I. Shasta, Shayla, Cassandra, Nunya, Angel, Heather from Texas, Texas, Megan,                                         Rachel, Brenda, Calle, Nicole from georgia.

                                    II. Constantly hitting on them

                                    III. Using them to make me jealous

                                    IV Ignoring me to spend time with them                               

                        b. He doesn't want to be with me when I act crazy

                                    I. I don't blame him

                                    II. I publicly embarass him when he makes me angry

                                    III. I say some really awful and weird things

                                    IV. I don't know when to quit

                                    V. I try to hurt him anyway I can

                        c. He can't tell me what he wants from me

                                I. He won't tell me when I do something wrong

                                II. When he is mad he won't tell me why

                                III. I cannot control him.

                                IV, He lies a lot

                        d. He is everything to me.

                                I. He knows everything about me.

                                II. It is possible that the only reason he isn't talking to me very much is because of                                         how I acted last week.

                                III. It is possible that these girls are just chatline friends and not romantic partners

                                IV. It is possible that he uses them to make me jealous the same way he uses me to                                        make them jealous.

                                V. He has done so much for me by way of helping me to become a better person. 

                                VI. He makes me feel like I'm finally a

                          e. He hurts me

                                I. He blows me off

                                II. He talks to other girls

                                III. He talks to me about other girls

                                IV. His other girls humiliate me on the chatline

                                V. He won't grant me ANY access to him at all

                6. The Chatline

                        a. It's a way to connect with other people

                                i. 24/7 there is someone to talk to

                                II. Exchange of ideas with other people

                        b. Causes problems in my relationship

                                I. Chris doesn't want me on there

                                II. Other people say things to me that upset me

                                III. I say things to other people that upset me

                        c. overall bad for my health

                                I. Cumpulsitory

                                II. Insults are bad for my esteem

                                III. The things I do on the chatline are immoral and make me feel like a bad person

                                IV. It makes Chris very angry

                7. Pot

                        a. It helps me once in awhile

                                I. It helps me think

                                II. It calms me down

                                III. I feel better when I'm high

                        b. I abuse it when things go wrong

                                I. Tanya

                                II. Dad

                                III. Losing my house and all my belongings

                        c. Quitting always feels impossible

                                 I. I can't stop when I need to

                                II. I know it does help, sometimes it is the only thing that helps

                        d. It robs me of my concern for anyone or anything else

                                I. I don't care to ask my children for anything

                                II. I don't care what I do to Chris, I feel that he deserves it but he doesn't                         

                        e. When I don't have it I wig out. Point blank and period. It's better to stay away that                                         fight through the cravings, it's stupid and I will be fine without it.