Saturdays and Sundays

 I have to go in and talk to my boss today about changing my hours. I was hired to work 10 hours on Saturdays. Now she is asking me to work Saturdays, Sundays and some overnights. I just can't do it and I am going to have a really hard time telling her no. I feel like she likes me right now and after I say no she isna't going to like me anymore. I am honestly scared to tell her. So I'm going to try to say something like this.

I'm sorry I can't work overnights right now. I am doing a lot of work on myself during the week and all those extra hours will put too much stress on me. I am happy to work the weekend shifts but until I am feeling more stable I won't be able to do much more than that. I hope this doesn't jeopardize my employment with you. I love this job and would be devastated to lose it. 

She doesn't know about my diagnosis or my living situation and I don't really want her too. I hear the way people talk about each other in that place, it's not cool. I don't want to have to go in there feeling like a dumb ass. I want to keep doing a good job for them. I don't want to fuck that up. They actually trust me, I don't want to ruin that. 

filling out that social security paperwork has me all fucked up right now anyway. It was hard and it felt horrible to repeat over and over all the things that are wrong with me and why I am deserving of social security. A part of me feels like I'm making all of this up, I'm over exagerating my problems to get attention and now to get money and that's how I've always been. A problem. A pain in the ass. 

Kristen said she thinks I use confrontation as a coping skill. I can't help but be confrontational. It's who I've always been. Say something. I tell every goddamn thing because I am sick of people getting away with hurting me. People have been hurting me my whole life and getting away with it. I've always made excuses for other people and I'm sick of it. I am tired of these fucking counselors and doctors just ignoring me. I'm sick of people like bella getting away with being super shitty at their jobs but getting to keep them anyway, even though they are not equipped to do what they need to do. I want to yell at her so bad. I want to tell her how bad she is at her job and that maybe she should consider killing herself. But that's not how we treat people. Even when that's the way they treat us. Fuck all this shit.

I hope Chris calls me before I go into work. I know he doesn't understand what's going on with me, or maybe he does. I don't know. But I just feel like this big heavy weight is on me and I don't know how to get out from under it. At least I didn't go on the chatline and act a fool again. I can be happy about that. I was with hannah when she was getting high and I didn't smoke with her, didn't even ask her for it. It bothered me a little but I got passed it. I just know that there are certain things I'm going to have to do to get better and being sober is one of them. Yuck.