I'm finally ready

 I haven't had any interest in writing for awhile but I feel like it now. I am extremely upset with you. I don't often say that but what you did to me last night was the biggest amount of fucking bullshit. You intentionally trigger me. You did it on purpose. You trigger me, on purpose, then blame me for being upset and punish me. ASSHOLE! You are such a fucking asshole sometimes. I didn't do anything to deserve that shit. "You weren't talking to me" About what? I was laying there trying to go to sleep and so you feel the need to throw another girls name in my face? You know that is one of the nastiest things you can do to me, so you do it while I'm laying there almost asleep. 

Get a fucking grip. I am doing everything I can to try to heal. To try to get better. To try to let go of the past and the anger I have that is associated with the past and here you are trying to give me more. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You need to take a second before you fucking speak sometimes, just like I do. It sounded as if you genuinely did not mean to make me that angry but once I snap there really isn't any going back. I am learning to take responsibility for things that are my responsibility. Like when I go out on that chatline and hear things I wish I didn't and get furious, that's on me. When I obsessively hunt for you, chatline to chatline because I "think" you are doing something. When I do things that I know are going to hurt your feelings. I have to own that shit and take responsibility for what I have done because if I had been minding my business I wouldn't be where I am. 

But I don't have to take responsibility for things when you just do it to be prickish because you "think" I'm trying to do something. I don't know what the fuck you thought I was trying to do. I was laying there trying to go to sleep. I am not going to take responsibility for things that I didn't start. PERIOD. I have been staying off the chatlines, all of them. I have been trying to be respectful of you and of myself by not giving you shit about when you talk to me or how long you talk to me or whether you actually talk to me or not. I have been going to therapy and group, adjusting my medicine, killing myself to take my medicine on time everyday, taking care of my health and improving my hygiene, working to eat better and watch my sugar. Incorporating different ways to express my anger. Divulging the MOST painful secrets I have to a stranger.

Do you know why I am doing all of this shit? DO YOU? I put myself in the access center "the nut hut" so that I wouldn't continue to harm you. I quit smoking pot so I wouldn't continue to harm you. I am going to therapy and signed up for IOP so that I won't harm you anymore. I don't want to lose you. I want us to be good, to be solid. I don't want to worry about whether or not you are going to call me. I don't want to worry about "what" you are doing when we aren't together. It's none of my business. This has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Please don't try to make it harder.

I am NOT going out on the chatlines looking for you. I am not trying to catch you doing anything wrong.  I am not trying to listen in to what people are saying about you. I am not trying to find someone to leave you for. EVER. I would never turn on you. EVER. No matter how angry or crazy I get I won't do that. My loyalty to you surpasses that of myself. 

I love it when we can exist together. When I know I don't have to worry about whether or not my phone is going to ring because I know it will. When I can actually go to sleep at night, even if the phone doesn't ring because I know that you will call me eventually. I don't have to panic because I feel secure. You will enjoy our relationship so much more when I'm feeling secure. You have. We had a great run last year because I think we were both feeling secure with each other. You began to trust that I wasn't trying to catch you up and I began to trust that you weren't trying to get rid of me. 

I always have the sense that no one really wants me. It's because when I was growing up, no one fucking wanted me. My mom wanted me but she was incapable of caring for herself, let alone anyone else. So people were always looking for a reason to get rid of me. I was a handful, I was not important enough to keep me while fighting through whatever stuff they were dealing with, I was a check to some people and that was the only reason I was with them and they reminded me of that daily. My own father didn't want me. It goes so far beyond daddy issues. It stopped me from forming a solid personality. That's why I shape shift from one personality to another, trying to find a place that makes sense to me. 

Help me find that place. Please, help me. Help me feel safe and secure so I can get better. Be here for me and let me be here for you. Stop trying to trigger me so I blame myself when you disengage. I know sometimes you are going to do that. I know that doesn't change the way you feel about me.