I'm so tired

I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. This s*** with Hannah is just sucking the life out of me. I worry about it all the time. I want to kill this kid I just I want him to go away and I can't make him go away I can't make him stop but what's more frustrating than that is that I cannot make my daughter go down and file a f****** restraining order which she has promised her sister she is going to do but she said she was going to do it yesterday and when she was talking about doing it today I could hear in her voice she has no intention of doing that today I would be surprised if she even agrees to do it tomorrow which she has nothing else to do but this she just wants us to go away I get it you don't want to have to go through all of that b******* but this guy is f****** nuts after all this he sends her a naked picture of himself oh my god dude it's too f****** much. And it's affecting every single area of my life that's not true but it is having a very negative impact on me I'm worried about me and Chris and whatever's going on there because I don't know I just have never had to navigate not being able to help my kids and so that's like the only thing in my brain I don't have any room for any other conflict I just don't and it's exhausting. I think he's going to see this as a sign of me trying to fight back or something and it's not it's just me I'm so tired I haven't felt this mentally washed out emotionally strangled. I feel so f****** weak like I've never felt this week before and I feel like there's nothing I can do about it.

Did the mood change?

I think I feel a chill in the air. The time is close now. 4 days until we hold our breath.

my phone died

It happened when I was asleep. Soon as I woke up I plugged it in. Then you called. It made me 😁. I really don't know what you think. I feel like you should but you can't really trust me. I'm sorry, I wish that I could say with certainty that I won't go out there but sometimes that feeling is overwhelming. Not to talk to other people (I only do that if I am trying to piss you off) but to engage with you when you are unengagable. I love you though and I try really hard because I know what kind of problems it causes us. I don't want to hurt you but more importantly that isn't the kind of person I want to be. I want to be a respectable person. A person that deserves the respect she asks for from other people. I'm getting back there but who knows, when I dip (and I always seem to) I can't always control myself. So I have to focus on getting my meds right everyday. I am trying to take better care of myself. I want to eat better for my blood sugar but that one is really hard for me. Just know though that you are my heart and my motivation and I feel truly blessed to have you in my life. I just want to protect us.

I miss you

I feel like I haven't talked to you in weeks. I know that's not true but that's how it feels. I miss you so much but these 10 hour days are kicking my ass. I'm scared that you're going to slip away from me. I don't want this distance. I don't want to lose you. You were so fucking sweet to me Friday night and I wanted to eat it the fuck up but I was so tired, so fucking tired. Will you still love me? Will you ever want me again. You have been so uninterested in sex with me and I don't know what to do to get you hot anymore. I almost feel like you're repulsed by me. I love you and I need your love. I need it and I miss it. You are my everything and I am so lonely without you. I come home and sit here and think about the sound of your voice. I just miss you.

a bit on neiztche

Our concept of God is a reflection on our own morality. Each person's morality is built on a layer of experiences. Thus evil comes to be bred from other evil. The idea of Good and evil in itself is ridiculous because what to one person might be evil to the next person is righteous. As for genetics this is only what is delivered to the Earth from the mother's womb. Beyond that life and morality and conscious or conscience is built from experience. In that way how can we judge a man, when his morality has been formed differently than ours. Asking one person with their own set of experiences to become something that they inherently are not seems immoral to me.

Saturdays and Sundays

 I have to go in and talk to my boss today about changing my hours. I was hired to work 10 hours on Saturdays. Now she is asking me to work Saturdays, Sundays and some overnights. I just can't do it and I am going to have a really hard time telling her no. I feel like she likes me right now and after I say no she isna't going to like me anymore. I am honestly scared to tell her. So I'm going to try to say something like this.

I'm sorry I can't work overnights right now. I am doing a lot of work on myself during the week and all those extra hours will put too much stress on me. I am happy to work the weekend shifts but until I am feeling more stable I won't be able to do much more than that. I hope this doesn't jeopardize my employment with you. I love this job and would be devastated to lose it. 

She doesn't know about my diagnosis or my living situation and I don't really want her too. I hear the way people talk about each other in that place, it's not cool. I don't want to have to go in there feeling like a dumb ass. I want to keep doing a good job for them. I don't want to fuck that up. They actually trust me, I don't want to ruin that. 

filling out that social security paperwork has me all fucked up right now anyway. It was hard and it felt horrible to repeat over and over all the things that are wrong with me and why I am deserving of social security. A part of me feels like I'm making all of this up, I'm over exagerating my problems to get attention and now to get money and that's how I've always been. A problem. A pain in the ass. 

Kristen said she thinks I use confrontation as a coping skill. I can't help but be confrontational. It's who I've always been. Say something. I tell every goddamn thing because I am sick of people getting away with hurting me. People have been hurting me my whole life and getting away with it. I've always made excuses for other people and I'm sick of it. I am tired of these fucking counselors and doctors just ignoring me. I'm sick of people like bella getting away with being super shitty at their jobs but getting to keep them anyway, even though they are not equipped to do what they need to do. I want to yell at her so bad. I want to tell her how bad she is at her job and that maybe she should consider killing herself. But that's not how we treat people. Even when that's the way they treat us. Fuck all this shit.

I hope Chris calls me before I go into work. I know he doesn't understand what's going on with me, or maybe he does. I don't know. But I just feel like this big heavy weight is on me and I don't know how to get out from under it. At least I didn't go on the chatline and act a fool again. I can be happy about that. I was with hannah when she was getting high and I didn't smoke with her, didn't even ask her for it. It bothered me a little but I got passed it. I just know that there are certain things I'm going to have to do to get better and being sober is one of them. Yuck.    

I'm finally ready

 I haven't had any interest in writing for awhile but I feel like it now. I am extremely upset with you. I don't often say that but what you did to me last night was the biggest amount of fucking bullshit. You intentionally trigger me. You did it on purpose. You trigger me, on purpose, then blame me for being upset and punish me. ASSHOLE! You are such a fucking asshole sometimes. I didn't do anything to deserve that shit. "You weren't talking to me" About what? I was laying there trying to go to sleep and so you feel the need to throw another girls name in my face? You know that is one of the nastiest things you can do to me, so you do it while I'm laying there almost asleep. 

Get a fucking grip. I am doing everything I can to try to heal. To try to get better. To try to let go of the past and the anger I have that is associated with the past and here you are trying to give me more. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You need to take a second before you fucking speak sometimes, just like I do. It sounded as if you genuinely did not mean to make me that angry but once I snap there really isn't any going back. I am learning to take responsibility for things that are my responsibility. Like when I go out on that chatline and hear things I wish I didn't and get furious, that's on me. When I obsessively hunt for you, chatline to chatline because I "think" you are doing something. When I do things that I know are going to hurt your feelings. I have to own that shit and take responsibility for what I have done because if I had been minding my business I wouldn't be where I am. 

But I don't have to take responsibility for things when you just do it to be prickish because you "think" I'm trying to do something. I don't know what the fuck you thought I was trying to do. I was laying there trying to go to sleep. I am not going to take responsibility for things that I didn't start. PERIOD. I have been staying off the chatlines, all of them. I have been trying to be respectful of you and of myself by not giving you shit about when you talk to me or how long you talk to me or whether you actually talk to me or not. I have been going to therapy and group, adjusting my medicine, killing myself to take my medicine on time everyday, taking care of my health and improving my hygiene, working to eat better and watch my sugar. Incorporating different ways to express my anger. Divulging the MOST painful secrets I have to a stranger.

Do you know why I am doing all of this shit? DO YOU? I put myself in the access center "the nut hut" so that I wouldn't continue to harm you. I quit smoking pot so I wouldn't continue to harm you. I am going to therapy and signed up for IOP so that I won't harm you anymore. I don't want to lose you. I want us to be good, to be solid. I don't want to worry about whether or not you are going to call me. I don't want to worry about "what" you are doing when we aren't together. It's none of my business. This has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Please don't try to make it harder.

I am NOT going out on the chatlines looking for you. I am not trying to catch you doing anything wrong.  I am not trying to listen in to what people are saying about you. I am not trying to find someone to leave you for. EVER. I would never turn on you. EVER. No matter how angry or crazy I get I won't do that. My loyalty to you surpasses that of myself. 

I love it when we can exist together. When I know I don't have to worry about whether or not my phone is going to ring because I know it will. When I can actually go to sleep at night, even if the phone doesn't ring because I know that you will call me eventually. I don't have to panic because I feel secure. You will enjoy our relationship so much more when I'm feeling secure. You have. We had a great run last year because I think we were both feeling secure with each other. You began to trust that I wasn't trying to catch you up and I began to trust that you weren't trying to get rid of me. 

I always have the sense that no one really wants me. It's because when I was growing up, no one fucking wanted me. My mom wanted me but she was incapable of caring for herself, let alone anyone else. So people were always looking for a reason to get rid of me. I was a handful, I was not important enough to keep me while fighting through whatever stuff they were dealing with, I was a check to some people and that was the only reason I was with them and they reminded me of that daily. My own father didn't want me. It goes so far beyond daddy issues. It stopped me from forming a solid personality. That's why I shape shift from one personality to another, trying to find a place that makes sense to me. 

Help me find that place. Please, help me. Help me feel safe and secure so I can get better. Be here for me and let me be here for you. Stop trying to trigger me so I blame myself when you disengage. I know sometimes you are going to do that. I know that doesn't change the way you feel about me.