Is it over?

I feel so far away from you. I'm so sorry for not accepting your love. I'm sorry for pushing you away. I don't want to fight with you. I need you in my life. I don't know why I get so scared or why I become obsessed with finding you on the chatline. I'm trying to change, I really am. I just feel like it's too late. It's been almost 3 fucking weeks that this has been going on. I don't remember a fight like this ever lasting this long before and that's what scares me. I can't let go of this nagging feeling that you are really done with me this time. It just sits in the pit of my stomach all the time. I just can't seem to shake it. I did yesterday because I thought maybe things were looking up for us. I felt so good and had so much energy, it was wonderful. Last night you said that tonight you would talk to me, you said you would talk shit to me. 

Please don't be mean to me. Please be nice to me. I just want to be able to connect with you. Not having that connection I feel like I'm running out of air. I really do. It's so hard to breath sometimes. I would do just about anything to fix this. It's so hard when you pull away. But maybe I understand why you might pull away from me. Maybe I understand why you don't want to be with me anymore but I don't want to accept it. I can't. I don't want to be without you. It just seems like you are drifting further and further away. You are just so angry at me. It doesn't help that I am being so reactionary. You say piff then I say puff and it just goes in a really bad direction so fast. I don't want to fight with you anymore.

Please forgive me. Am I out of chances? Did I finally push too hard? I made a list of things I can do instead of call the chatline so I'm less tempted to do it. I can suck my thumb, I can spend time with my kids, I can watch a good movie or play a game, I can do paperwork. I just hate this so fucking much and I worry about it all day every day. And then at night you tell me how much you hate me or you refuse to speak to me. What am I supposed to do with that? You just don't have any time for me anymore. I'm so fucking scared that one day you just aren't going to call me at all. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to be alone baby. That's all, I just don't want to be without you. But then when we are together you are just so ugly to me. This is just sucking the life right out of me. For real. 

Oh my god I'm so fucking sick of myself. I am fucking pathetic. I would do anything for you, I really would. Just tell me what you want from me. Just please don't throw me away. You are one of the only things that means anything to me anymore. I'm trying to change that though, I really am. I'm sure you're just sick of hearing that though. It just hurts and I don't know how to make it stop hurting. I don't know how to get rid of this pain without you. 

I'm sorry that I've screamed and cried and threatened to kill myself. I don't do that shit on purpose. It is what I feel in the moment and it just takes over my whole body and I don't want it to anymore. I started therapy and set some goals. Set boundaries for myself so I stop doing stupid shit, work on my impulse control and there was something else but I forgot what. 

Of fuck it, I don't probably deserve it anyway. It's a fucking horrible state to be in, to miss you like this. I don't want to face it. I just want you to forgive me, please forgive me.