For Real Though

 I have so motherfucking much to think about it's seems kind of crazy in there right now. I have idea's about this and idea's about that. I don't know where to begin.

1. I am good at my job. My coworkers trust and respect me. The kids all love me because I get on their level. The parents all think I'm a fucking genious. I feel like a miracle worker. When I see the progress, my clients are making it's remarkable. Who would have thought this shit actually works. I have tried for years to read about it, go to therapy, watch youtube videos about it, spend countless hours of my life pondering over it and then one day it clicks with me just like that. Just like fucking that. Chris said, if you believe you achieve. At the time I thought that was so corny but I was thinking one night and it just fucking clicked.

2.I know how and when to properly use my coping skills. When I feel myself start to get upset I have to ground myself. Then I try to be mindful of what is going on around me. Then I think about what is upsetting me and then I speak. That's the order it has to go in. Fuck the person you are talking to, this is about you learning to do better. You owe it to yourself to put this into practice. 

3.I buy in to my own bullshit. I never used to but I just recently realized that if I follow those rules of life, things turn out quite well for me. 

4. I am a good person. The things I have done in the past do not define who I am today. I am kind and loving and want good things for everyone. I don't hold grudges against people. I don't try to seek revenge, that's not my problem. I pray for people that hurt me that someday they get the opportunity to change.

5. I am OK on my own. I don't need other people to make me feel safe. I keep myself company without the use of pot. I don't like to smoke pot until bedtime. It makes me too sleepy. I don't like to eat too much sugar, it keeps me up at night and fucks up my blood sugar. I am so glad that I stay on top of my diabeties. Some day I will get rid of it. 

6. I recognize when I am feeling anxiety and deal with it rationally. I don't need to blame my feelings on anyone else, I know how to take responsibility for my feelings and I know how to keep myself safe. I keep myself safe by staying aware of the people around me but learn to trust them not too much but just enough. People don't need to know everything about me. 

7. I am a trusting person. I trust that the people I associate with would never truly hurt me. They may get angry and say hateful shit that they only mean when they are angry. But I know the people I love would never damage me. They know I would never damage them, regardless of how I feel when I am angry. And they know I know, just like I know they know. There is mutual respect between us and trust. Trust that when you say you love me I know I you mean it.

8. I know Chris loves me. I know it because he calls me every day. Mad or not he calls me every day. He is not trying to hurt me, he is not out to get me, he is simply living his life. I am living my own life too. I get to decide what I do every minute of every day. I don't need anyone telling me 100 times that they love me, and they are not going to leave. I can trust that Chris isn't going to leave me for no reason. I treat him right. I think about his feelings before I speak. I ask him whether or not he wants to talk before I engage him. If he says he wants to talk, I have things to talk about. It's ok if I don't feel like talking, he should also want to be quiet sometimes. 

8a. I know I love Chris. I wait for him. I recognize the things he does on the down low for me. Things that might look like hateful acts but are really acts of kindness. I would do nearly anything for him. I would hide a dead body for him for sure. Well not any dead body, but almost any. I know it brings him pride to see the things he has done for me and I think that might be why when I do something it hurts him so much. Also, I was doing very well for awhile, I hit a bump in the road but I'm finally over it. I let it go because it's not my problem how she gets to Chicago. I let it go because she has disappeared from my life and will never bother me again. 

9. I don't need anything but basic food water, gas and the CMC. I will never like some vegetables, but I am opening myself up to trying more vegetables. Raw vegetables too. I love water now. Soda is too sweet for me and makes me feel bloated. The sugar is terrible for me and it's money I don't have to spend. 

10. It's getting to where I can hardly stand to smoke cigarettes anymore. Since I got sick with Hannah that day, I just feel nauseous if I smoke more than a little bit at a time and I'm not going through cigarettes as fast. I don't really have the extra money for them anyway. 

11. I have finally gotten my struggle with marijuana under control. I love pot but it has to be in small doses. I can smoke on a Wednesday and a Saturday but that's it. I don't need it all the time, just here and there to take the bad edges off. 

12. I have been craving fresh fruit lately. It's gotta be from eating the lettuce. I Eat LETTUCE!!!!! Smoothies are starting to sound good too. The strawberries I just had were amazing.

13. Sometimes when I've been sitting for too long, I just have to go out and run a little bit somewhere to burn off the excess energy. I feel so much better afterward. 

14. I don't try to control Chris. I can't make him call me at the same time every day. I can control me and whether or not I answer the phone when he calls. If I am busy with something else, I don't need to answer. What would that something else be? My children. My job. I need to be able to pay my bills. He wouldn't do that for me, but my kids would.

15. I have a lot of respect for my daughters and what they have done for me. I respect their pasts and their experiences. I know those things matter. My children mean everything to me. I will stop at no lengths to make them proud of the mother they have. And for them to know how proud I am of them. And how much I appreciate both of them. 

16. I have a lot of respect for Chris. I believe that he is as honest as I feel like he can be. He is so supportive and invested in our relationship. He puts time and effort and thought into things at times. He has touched my heart in many ways. He can almost read my thoughts to the point I'm almost certain that he can. The only reason I won't commit myself fully to that comment is that only a crazy person would say some shit like that.

17. I no longer give a fucking shit about that chatline. The times I was out there listening, it was fucking pathetic. Some of the same people, some I never heard before. A lot of questions about where the fuck people went. But there isn't anything there for me. None of those men will ever meet me, if they would they probably have some sort of ill intentions. I wouldn't feel that way about Chris because he knows my heart. He really does. I trust him fully. 

18. I believe I caught an illness of the mind. I believe that I was exposed to strange adult behavior when I was a little girl that led me towards porn. My curiosity and my pleasure drew me in. I don't know if I was weak or if I just decided that I was bad and so would always choose the bad thing. When I was a child, I was bad. I didn't care about other people. I beat my sister up and used her at the youngest of ages. I wasn't bad. Someone (actually a shit ton of people) told me I was bad, and I believed it. I am not bad. I have just as much of an opportunity left to do good in my life as I do to do bad. I am not perfect, no one is but I strive for my version of perfection. 

Wow. I think that's it for now. That was a lot, and I will probably come back and make changes too or add a few more. These are real affirmations. Real thoughts I want to have and look back on every day, every day until I really start to see the manifestation of them in my life. I probably sound like a total crazy person, but until you believe these things are true, they won't ever be true. Only when you accept their possibility do you gain probability for them to happen. Fuck maybe I am crazy, but this shit has had me jazzed for a while.