Saying goodbye is a trigger for me. It's a reminder that you are leaving me alone. You are so right. I know I instantly become defensive because to me it feels like you don't want me or something, it becomes representative of how you feel about me in whole. This is just me owning some shit, ok?
I think that maybe you don't say goodbye because you know how I'm going to react, maybe you already recognized that it's a problem and that's your best way of dealing with it. If that is true I can work on it. I can think before I say goodbye and learn to say "okay, I love you, goodbye" that might sound stupid but I do have to practice things like that because my auto response is "please don't leave me"
I am super insecure. I struggle with feeling unwanted everywhere in my life. That is trauma related. Being left, having other people chosen over me like my grandparents taking my sister but letting me be moved around between family foster and group homes. The thought of you choosing someone else over me just triggers all that I think. This is one thing I'm getting from being in therapy.
This is not a feel sorry for me thing. I honestly want to find some resolution to these problems of mine. I love you enough that I want to change these things about myself for me so I can be better for other people. I do the same thing to my kids but worse.
You've said a lot of truly powerful things to me lately, that have rocked me. Last night telling me that my crying is abusive. I never really thought about it like that before. A few days ago you said you were trying to be respectful of my feelings and you were.
You can't fix me. You make me feel better, you make me feel good, but that doesn't fix anything. I'm still a mess when it's time to say goodbye. I feel justified in being an asshole to you because you won't just stay with me and keep me feeling ok. I blame you for me not feeling ok because I refuse to look at the real reason, and honestly sometimes I just can't see it because my feelings do consume me at times. Good word choice because that's almost how it feels as if I am being eaten alive from the inside out.
I could scream and cry for you just hanging up on me but I am in the frame of mind today that it's not going to help anything. It's going to make things worse and I really don't want to do that. Yesterday we had a nice long talk and last night you even said you would sleep with me but I was just overwhelmed by this thought of you not wanting me.
Some of that comes from you telling me how much better everyone else is, from me hearing you tell other women you love them in an open room. It hurts and I can still hear you saying it but I think you have been trying to change that. I've been listening, even if it doesn't seem like I am.
But when you told me it's time to heal. That hit me the hardest. Inside that thought there lies peace. A kind of peace I've only antiquated with suicide up till now. It is time for me to heal and move on from all this pain. To try and trust the universe or God or you. To trust myself that I won't always hurt this way. That you aren't going anywhere, and I don't have to be afraid.
I'm not going to lie though. I want to work on this but I don't know how hard it's going to be. What if I can't do it? What if I can't change this thing about me? Well there's this treatment place in Michigan that has an 8 week thing for people with BPD where you're emersed in groups and therapy that will help you heal. The waiting list is hella long but I think I should get on it, just in case.
I don't want to be this person. Desperately clinging to hang up calls, holding a little hope every minute of everyday that the phone will ring. I want you to be the frosting on a delicious piece of chocolate cake. Not the cake itself, if that makes sense.
I have begged God to help me, to be able to kill myself so I don't put the people I love through anymore hell but here I am still fighting to be a normal girl. Going to work, taking showers, putting food into my body. Things that seem so pointless at times.
There is so much more I could say but all of this has made me quite tired. I love you, I'm sorry I'm like this I truly want to change. I am going in for therapy again Friday and hopefully I will start the healing process. You deserve peace in your life, period. You continue to support and love me through everything. I could never repay you for the strides you've helped me make. It is appreciated more than you will ever know.
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