I feel like you hate me. You stayed on the phone with me for 6 hours. Should that be enough to tell me you love me and care about me? Do you love me Chris? I feel like you love me and then sometimes I feel like you just forget about me altogether. What did I do wrong? Why won't you ever tell me what I did wrong and why does it seem that every Sunday Monday and Tuesday you don't want to talk to me? I am just a massive mixed up thoughts and feelings that I don't know how to deal with. I miss when you called me at 830 and talked to me. or 630 or 1030. But these days it seems like you don't call me until after midnight and then you don't want to talk. You just want me to shut the fuck up and go to sleep. You call me and talk to me for 2 minutes or 5 minutes and then hang up. What did I do wrong?
I know you say you think I am talking to someone else but I don't understand how you could believe that's true. I don't want to talk to anyone else. Even if we weren't talking I wouldn't talk to anyone else. I might flirt with the idea sometimes but even trying to do that makes me feel sick, no one is you. You are one of the only people in the world I trust. I think you believe that you are the only guy I could get. I promise you if I wanted someone else I would be with someone else but I'm not am I? I spend all my time waiting for the phone to ring and it just stopped ringing. I don't understand why.
I know that we've had a lot of fights lately, a lot. I've been in a really bad place for a while where we are concerned. I just feel like I finally saw the truth. You don't really want me, I'm a burden to you like I've been a burden to everyone my whole life. No one ever wanted me and maybe you don't understand what that feels like but I do. If that's how you really feel and then I have to remind myself that you have said those exact words to me. You don't want me.
Then I think of all the things you have done for me. I think of how considerate you've been, how much time you've taken to learn about me and know what was the right thing for me. Then I get this feeling like I am the only one but I know that for nights and nights in a row you barely have 30 minutes for me. It really fucks me up. You constantly hanging up on me. I don't have anyway to get a hold of you. Specifically when you tell me other girls can call you anytime they want. That fucking kills me man.
I know I can be a pain in the ass and at times I make really stupid decisions but I also know that you kind of understand that side of me too. I just want to know that I'm important to you. That if I left you would be hurt just like I would be. That you want me in your life, that sometimes you might even feel like you need me the way I need you. But I look at reality and I have to be able to put two and two together. I have to be able to face the fact that you've straight out told me you don't want to be with me.
I also think about the fact that I could have this all wrong. I have other thoughts. Maybe you work for the chatline and have to be on there certain times. You can't tell me because it's a rule or something and they listen to you too. The way that you act sometimes like you are showing off for someone else. Or I'm crazy. The thing is I've got this cognitive disonance thing happening where you show me two completely different sides of yourself and I don't know which one is real or if they are both real. Maybe neither one of them is real, I don't know. You did tell me that this was all pretend.
I know that going back on the chatline is a bad idea. I did so well staying away from it for a long time but when you started this can't talk to me but 30 minutes a night it just triggered something in me that is way bigger than my will to stay away. It creeps up on me when I am busy sometimes and I can't stop thinking about it until I get on there. What I am looking for? Proof of something. Proof that you love me or proof that you don't. Proof that this is real or proof that its bullshit. I just want to feel secure. I did for so long, I just don't understand what changed.
You were on the phone with me for 6 hours and you even pointed it out. I asked you why because I want to hear you say that you did it because you wanted to or that you me to feel better. Instead you will either tell me that there was no one better to talk to or I have to assume that there is someone else you want to talk to for days at a time. Like I am the very last person you want to spend time with and the only reason you do it is to shut me up. Or you don't answer me at all leaving me to do my own figuring out.
It's so hard for me to open up and the more I do the more vulnerable I feel. All I want is to be yours. Youre fine to meet other people on the chatline at certain specific times but you just leave me hanging. It would be nice to hear well I'm not going to be able to call you until after midnight but tomorrow I can call during the day for a little while. Instead I'm just left feeling like yesterdays left over garbage. I've expressed that to you so many times but you just refuse to prepare me for what's coming.
I know you call me everyday and that you are going to call me everyday. I know that in the last couple of months we've grown a lot closer, I feel anyway. I can say with certainty that you love me, you care about me and you want the very best for me. I KNOW that. I just don't know why you just blow me off sometimes. I don't know how to get around it.
If I get lonely or need to talk to someone I can't just go on the chatline and find someone to talk to like you can. You get mad and start being mean to me. I set up a tinder hoping to find someone I could just talk to when you aren't around but that's not what that is for and I don't have any interest in meeting anyone or having phone sex with anyone, I just get lonely sometimes. You'll tell me how bored you get of me and how much you just want to talk to other people but I am not shown that kind of respect.
It would mean so much to get a text from you in the middle of the day. If I could do the same for you. I know you won't so I'm not asking. I know I'll never meet you or be with you. You think I'm fat and ugly. You don't want to be with me because I'm crazy and you think I would do something crazy. I just want to be loved and if that has to happen from afar then so be it. If we make it through this time. This is so hard I just don't know how to turn things around. What do I have to do to get you to love me again. And here I am begging, I am so sick of begging you to love me.
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