the last couple days

I know the last couple days have been kind of wonky. I didn't have my right charger and my phone wouldn't stay charged it kept dying last night it died again at like 1:30 in the morning and I caught it right I caught it right as it was dying but it was too late 135 in the morning. I don't want you to feel unwanted or unloved. I am still doing all of this for you. See it stopped stopped recording me before I was done talking. But I really feel like I'm ready I'm standing up. I'm figuring things out I'm feeling more solid. This s*** at proto ain't nothing to me. I don't know if I'm done feeling weak I'm sure I'm not I'm sure that I'll have days where I still feel like I don't know what the f*** I'm doing or how I'm going to do it but I am definitely at a place where I feel like I can try and manage some things. I feel so good that this guy is going to be helping me now. I think that with his help I'm going to be able to get all my s*** together and he's going to stay with me not stay with me but he's going to work with me through the transition of me moving from here to an apartment. I'm tired of waiting for my social security I'm still not probably ready to work a full-time job though. I don't want to overwhelm myself and end up falling apart. I am concerned a little that you never seem to want to be with me like that. I don't know if that's really how you feel, I do a lot of assuming. But I want us to connect like that and I'm lonely for you in that way. I love you so much and I don't feel like you're attracted to me anymore. You kind of said last night that you aren't. Did I misunderstand that? You said stop bringing it up. But I can't just switch off my sexuality, I need you like that. I can feel it all stirring around in there waiting to bust out. And I really I'm ready for a trip to the meditation room if you know what I mean. When I try to do it by myself I'm unhappy because I feel like part of me is missing a sexual part of me is missing. And I know I have a hard time with it and sometimes I can't do it maybe that makes you feel a certain kind of way. Maybe you aren't attracted to me because it's so hard for me to get turned on. That's not you, it's my f****** medication. But I need you I need you so bad. I wish I could give you a family a baby. I wish I hadn't met you when I was younger and we could have f***** our brains out like bunnies. I miss the days when we would lay in bed and f*** all day long. Seeing my battery is at 15% again it was plugged in all f****** night. I don't understand why this happens. Sometimes I feel like the universe is truly working against me. Anyway I love you, I'm thinking about you, I miss you. I might try to go up there and masturbate but I'm just missing you.

I Love You

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You have taught me how to love and what faith and belief in someone really means. You've made me look at myself and the way I treat other people and make real changes to be the best person I can be. No one else in my life was ever able to do that. You've shown me that I have to think before I react and how to be empathetic to how my actions effect others. I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. I get upset with you, of course I do. The lessons I've learned have not been easy ones. But I love you, and I always will. No matter what. I have no interest in a boy that knows nothing about life, can't make me laugh, doesn't know and accept all the things about me. I sure as hell can't trust anyone in the world to understand anything about me like you. You walked through the valley of a shadow of death with me. I miss fucking you but it seems like when we get up to it you just change the subject. It makes me a little sad but I'm not going to fight about it. I try not to fight with you at all

 I want us both to be happy.If your upset with the conversation I had with Melissa yesterday, I'm sorry. You have allowed yourself to be vulnerable with me lately and I love you for it. But it's not your normal state of being and I have wondered if you've been OK. Baby, you mean the world to me. I am concerned that you're going to disappear on me again but I have to learn to live with it. And that really sucks but it seems to be a part of my life. Don't make it worse by fighting with me about stupid shit. I just don't have that in me anymore. I love you.

This is the year it starts to pay off

All the hard work I've been doing and all the lessons I've learned have brought me to this time. I'm going to find the right job and the right place to live. I'm going to own up to my responsibilities and enjoy the rewards I've earned. It might not be the easiest year but it will be the most rewarding year of my life. I feel this above all things. I just need to keep my eyes on the prize now.

Happy New Year!

 We weren't together for the new year. Close but no cigar. I was passed the fuck out. I wake up, think my phone is dead and have to drive my ass all the way across town just to discover that you never attempted to call me after midnight. My phone would have died anyway but boy, you could have at least tried to call me. 😪😭. Happy New Year. From work. I love you. 2:24 AM. I'll be heading back home now. 

Chris

 I don't understand why you haven't spoken to me in over a week. Did I do something wrong? The last conversation we had wasn't really a conversation. You were sleeping so sweetly. You sounded like an angel. I told you how much I loved you, I thanked you for calling me and told me that you always make me feel so much better and then you hung up and haven't called me back since.

You replaced me for real this time, huh? You found someone that will sleep with you at night. Someone that will always answer the phone when it rings. Someone that will let you berate and belittle them. I'm getting better for real now, so you don't want me anymore? 

I have never loved anyone the way that I love you. I will never let anyone in again, not the way I've let you in. I've tried to be strong through this. I haven't called the chatline. I haven't cried and begged you to love me. You never really gave me that opportunity and you just stopped. I never thought you would give up on me. 

I never would have given up on you. 

You kept me alive for these last 4 years, ya know. I didn't want to be here but you gave me a reason to stay. My children will never understand all that you did for me. I'm sorry I was slacking with the phone. I got the dog and it just became hard to remember everything. I just feel like you aren't going to call me again and that hurts so fucking much. 

I don't know how to get over you. I miss you so much. I'm not going on the chatline though. Is that why you stopped calling me? I thought it was you and me. I know there are other girls but I never ever imagined that you would really leave me. You have been everything to me for so long. But I'm feeling so abandoned. 

What will Christmas be without you? There's a part of me that just wants to give up. Why am I doing all this hard work if not for you? God dammit Chris, please. Please. I miss you so much. I feel like I'm talking to no one. I just think you cut me off and that is all. I just can't believe it. I have loved you so long. 

Everything we've been through together and you just want to give up on me, now? Now, when I'm finally starting to be healthy and normal? Is that why? You don't like me unless I'm crazy? It doesn't make sense. 

I will say this though. For an ending, it was good. That's what has kept me going this last week. For the last few months you have loved me good. You have respected me and treated me with dignity. You have listened to me and been there for me. You weren't judging me or trying to hurt me. I hope to god that you are ok. 

I have tried to be strong and I think I've done a great job. I miss you so much. How do I get over this? and I keep wondering if you are ok. I keep wondering if something bad happened to you. It makes me want to call the chatline but then I don't. I don't want to know what you are really doing. I don't want to know if something bad has happened. I just want to remember the way you have loved me. I want to remember the way you have been there for me. I want to know that we were happy together. I was happy with you anyway. You were the whole reason I got out of bed in the morning for so fucking long. 

I wonder if you miss me, if you think about me, if you wonder how I'm doing. It hurts so bad sometimes. I just miss you. I just sit in my car and smoke cigarettes wishing my phone would ring. I pray to god that my phone will ring. I still wait for it to ring and I probably will for a long, long time. It's so hard to face Christmas coming without you. But I feel that you aren't listening to me anymore. I'm not begging you anymore. I don't think you're there and even if you were, leaving me, just forgetting about me? 

Don't you miss me at all? Don't you think about me? After nearly 4 years you just let me go. I don't know how to do this without you but I am holding my heart together somehow anyway. For today. It gets harder everyday though, it really does. Just when I think I'm starting to feel better about things I just feel worse. 

I should have listened to you when you asked me to. You said I was always busy with other people. I honestly believed that you were happy that I was busy with other people because it allowed you time away from me. I felt like that was what you wanted. You would only talk to me for a couple of minutes and then hang up on me anyway. Then hang up and call me back a few minutes later and then hang up again. 

That should have been a sign but I just thought it was you being you. I never believed that you would do this and just stop talking to me altogether. 

When I think about everything we've been through together. How many storms we've weathered together. How many nights you listened to me cry and nights you didn't. How sweet the sound of your snore was to me, or the way you would play the guitar for me. Your jokes, your stories, your funny ass insults. I fucking love you man. Not to mention all the intimacy and truth I shared with you that I couldn't tell anyone else. That's what makes me feel better. Remembering all that we've had together, everything we shared and dreamed about. All the knock down drag out fights we used to have. 

I worry that's what killed it for us. Not enough drama. Not enough anger. Not enough passion. It's my medicine you know. I know you know that. I know you remember how it used to be. How great it used to be. I can't be loud like I used to be either. I'll be getting my own apartment soon and it could be that way again. I'm sorry. I don't know how I'm going to let you go. Maybe a piece of you will always be with me. No one ever made me feel important or special or loved the way you did. EVER, 

I miss you.

I can't believe you're not going to call me at all. Please baby, where are you? Did you replace me with someone else because I forgot my phone a few times because of the dog? Please, what are you doing? I love you. Please don't do this to me. I need you. Please don't throw me away. Please. I can't believe this is happening again.

All Alone

You left me here all alone

What did I do wrong?

I have tried so hard to be good

I have tried so hard to get better

It doesn't even make a difference to you

My heart aches and burns

My stomach is twisted in knots

I'm trying really hard to pretend I'm OK

But I feel like I'm dying

I knew you were going to do this sooner or later. I've tried to prepare myself for it

Nothing can prepare me for being without my heartbeat. I love you and I miss you but you aren't listening, why? What did i do? I'm sorry. Please don't leave me. I need you. Don't you need me at all? Don't you miss me at all? Don't you care about me? Why would you do this to me? It hurts so much. Please don't hurt me. I love you.