Chris

 I don't understand why you haven't spoken to me in over a week. Did I do something wrong? The last conversation we had wasn't really a conversation. You were sleeping so sweetly. You sounded like an angel. I told you how much I loved you, I thanked you for calling me and told me that you always make me feel so much better and then you hung up and haven't called me back since.

You replaced me for real this time, huh? You found someone that will sleep with you at night. Someone that will always answer the phone when it rings. Someone that will let you berate and belittle them. I'm getting better for real now, so you don't want me anymore? 

I have never loved anyone the way that I love you. I will never let anyone in again, not the way I've let you in. I've tried to be strong through this. I haven't called the chatline. I haven't cried and begged you to love me. You never really gave me that opportunity and you just stopped. I never thought you would give up on me. 

I never would have given up on you. 

You kept me alive for these last 4 years, ya know. I didn't want to be here but you gave me a reason to stay. My children will never understand all that you did for me. I'm sorry I was slacking with the phone. I got the dog and it just became hard to remember everything. I just feel like you aren't going to call me again and that hurts so fucking much. 

I don't know how to get over you. I miss you so much. I'm not going on the chatline though. Is that why you stopped calling me? I thought it was you and me. I know there are other girls but I never ever imagined that you would really leave me. You have been everything to me for so long. But I'm feeling so abandoned. 

What will Christmas be without you? There's a part of me that just wants to give up. Why am I doing all this hard work if not for you? God dammit Chris, please. Please. I miss you so much. I feel like I'm talking to no one. I just think you cut me off and that is all. I just can't believe it. I have loved you so long. 

Everything we've been through together and you just want to give up on me, now? Now, when I'm finally starting to be healthy and normal? Is that why? You don't like me unless I'm crazy? It doesn't make sense. 

I will say this though. For an ending, it was good. That's what has kept me going this last week. For the last few months you have loved me good. You have respected me and treated me with dignity. You have listened to me and been there for me. You weren't judging me or trying to hurt me. I hope to god that you are ok. 

I have tried to be strong and I think I've done a great job. I miss you so much. How do I get over this? and I keep wondering if you are ok. I keep wondering if something bad happened to you. It makes me want to call the chatline but then I don't. I don't want to know what you are really doing. I don't want to know if something bad has happened. I just want to remember the way you have loved me. I want to remember the way you have been there for me. I want to know that we were happy together. I was happy with you anyway. You were the whole reason I got out of bed in the morning for so fucking long. 

I wonder if you miss me, if you think about me, if you wonder how I'm doing. It hurts so bad sometimes. I just miss you. I just sit in my car and smoke cigarettes wishing my phone would ring. I pray to god that my phone will ring. I still wait for it to ring and I probably will for a long, long time. It's so hard to face Christmas coming without you. But I feel that you aren't listening to me anymore. I'm not begging you anymore. I don't think you're there and even if you were, leaving me, just forgetting about me? 

Don't you miss me at all? Don't you think about me? After nearly 4 years you just let me go. I don't know how to do this without you but I am holding my heart together somehow anyway. For today. It gets harder everyday though, it really does. Just when I think I'm starting to feel better about things I just feel worse. 

I should have listened to you when you asked me to. You said I was always busy with other people. I honestly believed that you were happy that I was busy with other people because it allowed you time away from me. I felt like that was what you wanted. You would only talk to me for a couple of minutes and then hang up on me anyway. Then hang up and call me back a few minutes later and then hang up again. 

That should have been a sign but I just thought it was you being you. I never believed that you would do this and just stop talking to me altogether. 

When I think about everything we've been through together. How many storms we've weathered together. How many nights you listened to me cry and nights you didn't. How sweet the sound of your snore was to me, or the way you would play the guitar for me. Your jokes, your stories, your funny ass insults. I fucking love you man. Not to mention all the intimacy and truth I shared with you that I couldn't tell anyone else. That's what makes me feel better. Remembering all that we've had together, everything we shared and dreamed about. All the knock down drag out fights we used to have. 

I worry that's what killed it for us. Not enough drama. Not enough anger. Not enough passion. It's my medicine you know. I know you know that. I know you remember how it used to be. How great it used to be. I can't be loud like I used to be either. I'll be getting my own apartment soon and it could be that way again. I'm sorry. I don't know how I'm going to let you go. Maybe a piece of you will always be with me. No one ever made me feel important or special or loved the way you did. EVER, 

I miss you.