If you believe you recieve

So I came upon a huge Discovery today huge because this will change my whole life I think but I can't forget about it so I realized that if you choose to believe something and it's a choice if you choose to believe something that's the way you'll see it no matter what the situation is I never f****** realized that before I have to believe in myself I have to believe in myself and then what I want cuz I often will say what I think other people want to hear you know because I don't want to tell him what I really think because what I really think is that and I don't trust that you know so I don't trust myself at all but if I choose to start thinking good thoughts about myself I might believe that too which would change the way I see things and I feel like this is a game changer for me because I just never realized it before and I'm sure I sound like a f****** crazy person man crazy like losing my mind crazy but I don't know I'll read it later and see I don't know f*** f*** f*** so what I was saying was oh my God I can't believe I have to go I'm going to start with this one those were very good thoughts so oh my God even the little things I'm so high but if you believe in them you will receive you know it's taking me all this time to get here how did it take me all this time to get here so I have to be honest for one thing cuz I can't believe in myself if I'm lying to people because I know there are certain people like you who can tell when I'm lying but you have to be honest because if you're not honest you know that you're not being honest and the other person will know you're not being honest you know but you can't change what's in their control this sounds crazy because I have taught this for 20 f****** years and not only in my professional life but with the people I love and I've been learning this with them

Is it over?

I feel so far away from you. I'm so sorry for not accepting your love. I'm sorry for pushing you away. I don't want to fight with you. I need you in my life. I don't know why I get so scared or why I become obsessed with finding you on the chatline. I'm trying to change, I really am. I just feel like it's too late. It's been almost 3 fucking weeks that this has been going on. I don't remember a fight like this ever lasting this long before and that's what scares me. I can't let go of this nagging feeling that you are really done with me this time. It just sits in the pit of my stomach all the time. I just can't seem to shake it. I did yesterday because I thought maybe things were looking up for us. I felt so good and had so much energy, it was wonderful. Last night you said that tonight you would talk to me, you said you would talk shit to me. 

Please don't be mean to me. Please be nice to me. I just want to be able to connect with you. Not having that connection I feel like I'm running out of air. I really do. It's so hard to breath sometimes. I would do just about anything to fix this. It's so hard when you pull away. But maybe I understand why you might pull away from me. Maybe I understand why you don't want to be with me anymore but I don't want to accept it. I can't. I don't want to be without you. It just seems like you are drifting further and further away. You are just so angry at me. It doesn't help that I am being so reactionary. You say piff then I say puff and it just goes in a really bad direction so fast. I don't want to fight with you anymore.

Please forgive me. Am I out of chances? Did I finally push too hard? I made a list of things I can do instead of call the chatline so I'm less tempted to do it. I can suck my thumb, I can spend time with my kids, I can watch a good movie or play a game, I can do paperwork. I just hate this so fucking much and I worry about it all day every day. And then at night you tell me how much you hate me or you refuse to speak to me. What am I supposed to do with that? You just don't have any time for me anymore. I'm so fucking scared that one day you just aren't going to call me at all. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to be alone baby. That's all, I just don't want to be without you. But then when we are together you are just so ugly to me. This is just sucking the life right out of me. For real. 

Oh my god I'm so fucking sick of myself. I am fucking pathetic. I would do anything for you, I really would. Just tell me what you want from me. Just please don't throw me away. You are one of the only things that means anything to me anymore. I'm trying to change that though, I really am. I'm sure you're just sick of hearing that though. It just hurts and I don't know how to make it stop hurting. I don't know how to get rid of this pain without you. 

I'm sorry that I've screamed and cried and threatened to kill myself. I don't do that shit on purpose. It is what I feel in the moment and it just takes over my whole body and I don't want it to anymore. I started therapy and set some goals. Set boundaries for myself so I stop doing stupid shit, work on my impulse control and there was something else but I forgot what. 

Of fuck it, I don't probably deserve it anyway. It's a fucking horrible state to be in, to miss you like this. I don't want to face it. I just want you to forgive me, please forgive me. 

I will never cum again

Why would you do this to me? I didn't go on the chatline at all yesterday and you're being meaner to me than ever. Do you really want me to hate myself this much? You are going to get what you want.

busy day for me

Today I have to be in Iowa city by 9 until 11, then I have an appointment in north liberty an hour later from 12-2 or 230. Then I'm off until 4 for group until 630. After that I'm done for the day. I'm not going anywhere tonight although I might help Nikki dye her hair after group. I will still have my phone with me.

It might not seem like it but you are what keeps me balanced and your constant hang up calls are fucking me up but you not calling me is fucking me up too so I don't know what to do. I don't want to fight and scream and cry but continuously being hung up on is driving me insane, honestly insane.

I need you. I miss you. At the very least I want our time together to be our time. I already share you so much. And no matter how you try to spin it I'm not nor have I been talking to anyone else. 

My life is pretty hectic these days so my phone died or I forget it somewhere. That doesn't mean I'm cheating it means there is just too much chaos, partly from the fact that you have been bouncing my head off the walls for the last two weeks. 

You leave me alone so much or show me no kindness and I'm hurt and desperately want someone to talk to. Then you get mad when I do it.

 Please try to be kind today. Please say goodbye to me, stay with me until the end of our conversation and try to make me feel like I count too. In turn I will try to say goodbye when you do without throwing a fit, I'll stay off the chatline and I won't cry. I think those are fair trades. 

I just need to find a way to function in this situation. It has been extremely difficult to try to adjust to this new schedule. It really hurts me but not having you at all hurts so much more.

I love you. Have a good day. 

Starting Over

 I have to somehow try to hit the restart button. All this hanging up on me and only talking to me for a half an hour at a time has been so emotionally draining. I wait and wait for you to call me and then when you finally do you spend the whole time trying to either get me to go to sleep or by treating me like shit, so I'll want to go. There is no winning, no situation in which I get my needs met and it really fucking sucks. And it's ok that I have needs, everyone does. You have known me long enough to know what my needs are, why are you denying me? It seems like every week it's one or two or three days when you just can't find any time for me. It's so hard for me to understand and I get really upset and then you taunt me and insult me on top of it. Why? Why do you kick me when I'm already down? 

I love you and I try really hard to be a good girlfriend. It's hard not to talk to anyone but you especially when you aren't talking 

How did things get like this?

     I feel like you hate me. You stayed on the phone with me for 6 hours. Should that be enough to tell me you love me and care about me? Do you love me Chris? I feel like you love me and then sometimes I feel like you just forget about me altogether. What did I do wrong? Why won't you ever tell me what I did wrong and why does it seem that every Sunday Monday and Tuesday you don't want to talk to me? I am just a massive mixed up thoughts and feelings that I don't know how to deal with. I miss when you called me at 830 and talked to me. or 630 or 1030. But these days it seems like you don't call me until after midnight and then you don't want to talk. You just want me to shut the fuck up and go to sleep. You call me and talk to me for 2 minutes or 5 minutes and then hang up. What did I do wrong?

I know you say you think I am talking to someone else but I don't understand how you could believe that's true. I don't want to talk to anyone else. Even if we weren't talking I wouldn't talk to anyone else. I might flirt with the idea sometimes but even trying to do that makes me feel sick, no one is you. You are one of the only people in the world I trust. I think you believe that you are the only guy I could get. I promise you if I wanted someone else I would be with someone else but I'm not am I? I spend all my time waiting for the phone to ring and it just stopped ringing. I don't understand why.

I know that we've had a lot of fights lately, a lot. I've been in a really bad place for a while where we are concerned. I just feel like I finally saw the truth. You don't really want me, I'm a burden to you like I've been a burden to everyone my whole life. No one ever wanted me and maybe you don't understand what that feels like but I do. If that's how you really feel and then I have to remind myself that you have said those exact words to me. You don't want me.

Then I think of all the things you have done for me. I think of how considerate you've been, how much time you've taken to learn about me and know what was the right thing for me. Then I get this feeling like I am the only one but I know that for nights and nights in a row you barely have 30 minutes for me. It really fucks me up. You constantly hanging up on me. I don't have anyway to get a hold of you. Specifically when you tell me other girls can call you anytime they want. That fucking kills me man. 

I know I can be a pain in the ass and at times I make really stupid decisions but I also know that you kind of understand that side of me too. I just want to know that I'm important to you. That if I left you would be hurt just like I would be. That you want me in your life, that sometimes you might even feel like you need me the way I need you. But I look at reality and I have to be able to put two and two together. I have to be able to face the fact that you've straight out told me you don't want to be with me. 

I also think about the fact that I could have this all wrong. I have other thoughts. Maybe you work for the chatline and have to be on there certain times. You can't tell me because it's a rule or something and they listen to you too. The way that you act sometimes like you are showing off for someone else. Or I'm crazy. The thing is I've got this cognitive disonance thing happening where you show me two completely different sides of yourself and I don't know which one is real or if they are both real. Maybe neither one of them is real, I don't know. You did tell me that this was all pretend.

I know that going back on the chatline is a bad idea. I did so well staying away from it for a long time but when you started this can't talk to me but 30 minutes a night it just triggered something in me that is way bigger than my will to stay away. It creeps up on me when I am busy sometimes and I can't stop thinking about it until I get on there. What I am looking for? Proof of something. Proof that you love me or proof that you don't. Proof that this is real or proof that its bullshit. I just want to feel secure. I did for so long, I just don't understand what changed. 

You were on the phone with me for 6 hours and you even pointed it out. I asked you why because I want to hear you say that you did it because you wanted to or that you me to feel better. Instead you will either tell me that there was no one better to talk to or I have to assume that there is someone else you want to talk to for days at a time. Like I am the very last person you want to spend time with and the only reason you do it is to shut me up. Or you don't answer me at all leaving me to do my own figuring out. 

It's so hard for me to open up and the more I do the more vulnerable I feel. All I want is to be yours. Youre fine to meet other people on the chatline at certain specific times but you just leave me hanging. It would be nice to hear well I'm not going to be able to call you until after midnight but tomorrow I can call during the day for a little while. Instead I'm just left feeling like yesterdays left over garbage. I've expressed that to you so many times but you just refuse to prepare me for what's coming. 

I know you call me everyday and that you are going to call me everyday. I know that in the last couple of months we've grown a lot closer, I feel anyway. I can say with certainty that you love me, you care about me and you want the very best for me. I KNOW that. I just don't know why you just blow me off sometimes. I don't know how to get around it.

If I get lonely or need to talk to someone I can't just go on the chatline and find someone to talk to like you can. You get mad and start being mean to me. I set up a tinder hoping to find someone I could just talk to when you aren't around but that's not what that is for and I don't have any interest in meeting anyone or having phone sex with anyone, I just get lonely sometimes. You'll tell me how bored you get of me and how much you just want to talk to other people but I am not shown that kind of respect. 

It would mean so much to get a text from you in the middle of the day. If I could do the same for you. I know you won't so I'm not asking. I know I'll never meet you or be with you. You think I'm fat and ugly. You don't want to be with me because I'm crazy and you think I would do something crazy. I just want to be loved and if that has to happen from afar then so be it. If we make it through this time. This is so hard I just don't know how to turn things around. What do I have to do to get you to love me again. And here I am begging, I am so sick of begging you to love me. 

My head is just a mess

 It feels like spaghettis in here. Does that have a silent s? Why did I never notice this before? For a little while, just a little while I truly did believe you. You told me I needed to heal. You made me feel so secure but then you were still hanging up on me. Right in the middle of a sentence you hang up on me and then call the chatline. I can not handle that kind of chaos anymore. Feeling constantly like I'm not good enough or there are so many people out there better than me that you want to talk to. This last week has been hell. I have just tried to focus on other things and keep it moving but it's so hard when you just seem to forget all about me, no you make time to call me and say all this horrible shit to me right before you hang up on me. I need to take my medicine and I'm starving. I have to try to eat something that isn't going to send me into diabetic shock. I need to get this rancid puss out of my inner being but I'm so overwhelmed by these feelings I just get so fucking tired and want to go to sleep. I am going to make an anchor, go get a floaty and go to the lake. This means I need to shave my pussy, at least a little. I aint trying to make a bunch of kids think that I have burt and ernnie in my panties...am I right? I have therapy tomorrow if the bitch doesn't cancel on me. Fuck case management, I'm not even going to go anymore. That bitch doesn't care about this, about me. I'm going to try to make up a google meeting place or whatever it's called so we can all communicate better around here. That would be so helpful for staff and for the residents. And it would pay my rent for a couple of weeks. I'm just spinning on this marry go round, slowing and slowing, feeling so nauseas I could fucking puke. I keep reminding myself that I am getting back to where I was before I moved. I think I am but I could be so wrong. more later.