Round two

1) I need to take my meds regularly

2) I need to practice mindfulness and self care

3) I need to clean my space, get rid of the clutter that has gathered everywhere

4) I need to take better care of my diabetes

5) I need to get a better routine

When I moved across the street I split. Tanya harassing me, all my stuff screwed up all over the place, starting a job with so much more responsibility than I've had in years and smoking pot 24 hours a day on top of it. I just couldn't handle all of that at the same time. It broke me. 

You have been so good to me. You have loved me through it all. And still I'm so scared you're going to leave me. I'm so scared your going to leave me I constantly push you away. I don't want to push you away anymore.

I don't understand why after you've stayed on the phone with me for hours I feel so rejected when you hang up. Part of the reason is that you hang up on me. I wish you would say goodbye. I wonder though if the reason you don't say goodbye is because of how I react when you say it. I always make a deal of it.

I just want to feel secure in our relationship. I want to relax and trust that you aren't leaving me. I start having anxiety though and then think it's because of something you are doing to me. Maybe it's just anxiety and I need to try and accept that. 

I know you love me. I know you've gone to great lengths to make me happy. I know you've done more for me than I'll ever know. You've said things to me no one has ever said to me. You've had so much grace with me. You've touched my life so deeply. You get me to see things about myself I've been blind to my whole life. You are the ONLY person that has ever stuck it out with me.  EVER. More than my family, more than any friends I have ever had. And I don't know why. You truly love me unconditionally and I don't even know if I deserve it.

I also know you've done more to me than I'll ever know. I've heard people repeat ver batum things I've said to you in private. Texas said something about dark places, I only said that to you. Juanita told me I will never know how many people are listening to me. Rachel told me about kik and the chat lines online chatroom on the internet. I heard one guy say he knew my daughter was moving three states away. I didn't even know who he was. Shasta said she had to work on the chatline at 130 in the morning and I wondered was her job to listen to me? Was I really a joke from the beginning? Was this all really pretend?

Heather from Texas said "we" finally know what a fat ugly bitch you are. Who was we? Why did everyone on two different chat lines start being nice to me over one night? Why did Tyler only call me when you were avoiding me? Why did he beg me to stay off the chat line more than once? I know you listen to me and I find it comforting but do other people listen to me too? That would probably sound crazy coming from someone that is paranoid but in this situation it is definitely feesable.

I wonder sometimes if they all had my phone hacked, if some of them still do. I remember things you said to me and I've long since forgiven you. You apologized to me and have loved me hard,  but not a single one of them ever owned up to anything they did to me or tried to apologize to me. Or show me even an ounce of kindness.

I hate the Mormon so much. You know I didn't realize it at the time but that mf'r made me leave my phone in the car so I couldn't take any pictures of him. In reality though I think he just didn't want you to be able to hear us. That fat ass pot bellied fuck. And he looks just like warren Jeff's. His weak ass chin.

Shasta, Shayla, Heather and Texas. Brenda and Jennifer and Meghan and nunya. Candy and Randy and Dave that still lives in iowa. Those dumb trucker fucks that always had something to say. Angel, Juanita and their fucking crownies. Not to mention all those fucking cunts from the river. I'm so relieved that fat bitch party pig is dead. Now if Shannon and Matt, that old bitch with the fucked up voice and her fucking daughter and rivers mother would drink bleach and die it would be so much easier to let go of that chat line. Every single one of those motherfuckers and probably more took pieces of me. Embarrassed and humiliated me. Tortured me and then laughed about it. Everyone knew how fucked up I was, how mentally unstable I had become.

 I want them all to suffer for what they did to me. When I get sick though I just become consumed by thoughts of hurting them. The bigger the hurt the more I want to find and kill them. Gut them and dismember thier bodies. Fantasies of tying them up and forcing them to watch their sons and daughters being raped and decapitated. 

I will never be able to do anything to any of them though and that loss of control makes me want to strike out at them on the chatline, or get high, or hurt myself or do immoral things. Anything to make that pain go away.

That chatline is the only vengeance I will ever get and you always cock block me. I know that being on that chat line is its own kind of hell though so I hope they all stay there for the rest of their miserable little lives. And me going there and thinking of those things is the worst thing for me. The absolute worst thing. Look what it does to me just writing about it. It just floods me with pure hate and rage. I don't deserve to live with this. I have to find a way to let all of that go. This is what therapy is supposed to help me with. And the reason I do all the things I do to get better.

 I have thought very seriously about going to the FBI but I know what they would say and it wouldn't get me anywhere. I would just make a fool of myself. I have had enough of that to last a lifetime. 

I want to heal, like you said. I want to be able to deal with things I haven't wanted to face for years so I can move beyond this. It is definitely a barrier in my recovery. I think I could write on for hours but enough is enough for tonight. I know I wrote a book here tonight but I've still got more say.

I love you with all my heart

Sometimes I feel like a holy old sock though. You don't really want me around but you don't want to get rid of me though. I don't understand why though. Why do you need to ignore me half the time? Why aren't I good enough for you? You've got a hundred reasons you don't want me. Waiting is exhausting. Being ignored and brushed off hurts my feelings. I have so much more to add but I don't have time right now. I'm just tired. All I've done is work and sleep for days.

omg

Boundaries are set by me

I'm not ready to see something until I see it usually first noted by someone close to me Then I have to recognize it or acknowledge rather. Then I can think about how to do it. Then I practice it and practice it until I'm ready to work on the next thing. 

Marijuana is good for my introspection. It quiets the chaos in my head so I can think straight. I hope I don't flip shit tomorrow. I don't blame you if you need space,  I don't want that but I understand if you do. It's not good for you to be around me when I'm like this. 

I need a shake.

Let's see if she's going to blow it folks!

Hindsight is always 20/20 because you can't convince me in the moment that there is a problem. I have to be able to reflect to see where I've gone wrong. And it's not easy for me to see it. It takes me doing some stupid shit before I realize how off the mark I was. Talking shit, being obsessive, screaming or crying for long periods of time or doing something hurtful to myself.

Saying goodbye is a trigger for me. It's a reminder that you are leaving me alone. You are so right. I know I instantly become defensive because to me it feels like you don't want me or something, it becomes representative of how you feel about me in whole. This is just me owning some shit, ok? 

I think that maybe you don't say goodbye because you know how I'm going to react, maybe you already recognized that it's a problem and that's your best way of dealing with it. If that is true I can work on it. I can think before I say goodbye and learn to say "okay, I love you, goodbye" that might sound stupid but I do have to practice things like that because my auto response is "please don't leave me"

I am super insecure. I struggle with feeling unwanted everywhere in my life. That is trauma related. Being left, having other people chosen over me like my grandparents taking my sister but letting me be moved around between family foster and group homes. The thought of you choosing someone else over me just triggers all that I think. This is one thing I'm getting from being in therapy.

This is not a feel sorry for me thing. I honestly want to find some resolution to these problems of mine. I love you enough that I want to change these things about myself for me so I can be better for other people. I do the same thing to my kids but worse.

You've said a lot of truly powerful things to me lately, that have rocked me. Last night telling me that my crying is abusive. I never really thought about it like that before. A few days ago you said you were trying to be respectful of my feelings and you were.

You can't fix me. You make me feel better, you make me feel good, but that doesn't fix anything. I'm still a mess when it's time to say goodbye. I feel justified in being an asshole to you because you won't just stay with me and keep me feeling ok. I blame you for me not feeling ok because I refuse to look at the real reason, and honestly sometimes I just can't see it because my feelings do consume me at times. Good word choice because that's almost how it feels as if I am being eaten alive from the inside out.

I could scream and cry for you just hanging up on me but I am in the frame of mind today that it's not going to help anything. It's going to make things worse and I really don't want to do that. Yesterday we had a nice long talk and last night you even said you would sleep with me but I was just overwhelmed by this thought of you not wanting me. 

Some of that comes from you telling me how much better everyone else is, from me hearing you tell other women you love them in an open room. It hurts and I can still hear you saying it but I think you have been trying to change that. I've been listening, even if it doesn't seem like I am.

But when you told me it's time to heal. That hit me the hardest. Inside that thought there lies peace. A kind of peace I've only antiquated with suicide up till now. It is time for me to heal and move on from all this pain. To try and trust the universe or God or you. To trust myself that I won't always hurt this way. That you aren't going anywhere, and I don't have to be afraid.

I'm not going to lie though. I want to work on this but I don't know how hard it's going to be. What if I can't do it? What if I can't change this thing about me? Well there's this treatment place in Michigan that has an 8 week thing for people with BPD where you're emersed in groups and therapy that will help you heal. The waiting list is hella long but I think I should get on it, just in case.

I don't want to be this person. Desperately clinging to hang up calls, holding a little hope every minute of everyday that the phone will ring. I want you to be the frosting on a delicious piece of chocolate cake. Not the cake itself, if that makes sense.

I have begged God to help me, to be able to kill myself so I don't put the people I love through anymore hell but here I am still fighting to be a normal girl. Going to work, taking showers, putting food into my body. Things that seem so pointless at times.

There is so much more I could say but all of this has made me quite tired. I love you, I'm sorry I'm like this I truly want to change. I am going in for therapy again Friday and hopefully I will start the healing process. You deserve peace in your life, period. You continue to support and love me through everything. I could never repay you for the strides you've helped me make. It is appreciated more than you will ever know.

I feel all fucked up

I'm twisted up inside. I'm angry but not at anyone. I want to cry but can't I'm just dry. I don't know what exactly is going on with me. I'm in a strange place today.

I hate myself

Pot, move, start a new job, tanya, move again. Nothing in my life is right. It was before I moved and started smoking pot. I just feel like I've taken so many steps backwards. I was on my way to greatness and now I feel like I've thrown everything I cared about away. I don't know how I am going to recover from this, or when. I'm so sick of fighting. I'm sick of getting up every day and trying to make things work. Trying to fight the good fight, trying to make ends meet, trying to stay high, trying to eat--forcing myself to eat lately. I'm tired and I just want to give up. But there is no way to give up and somehow meet my needs at the same time. If I give up all of the shit that's chasing me is going to roll right over me. And yesterday? That was insane. I was insane. Why would I do that? I know what is at stake. 

There are 2 people in my whole life, well maybe three, that loved me unconditionally. It doesn't matter whether I'm good or not good Chris always had me. He was always there for me, even when no one else was. It doesn't make sense then that I turn on him when I'm angry. I have a feeling that's part of the reason I went on the chatline yesterday, to get all those horrible feelings I was having out and away from me. To put it on to someone else like Shannon or Champagne. Let them have all those ugly feelings. If two people ever deserved that shit its them. 

And then the door dashing incident. I will be lucky if I don't get kicked the fuck off door dash. Or if I don't end up getting beat the fuck out of by one of these people someday. It's a lot of work staying on top of things, especially when I'm high all the time. I was so much better when I wasn't smoking. I just don't feel like I can now and I don't know why. I'm feeling so exposed and vulnerable. I thought pot brought back the comfortable me. I'm comfortable when I'm high. No anxiety, nothing stresses me out. But look at me when I don't have the shit, I'm a fucking wreck. If this is how it is after 2 days what am I going to do at 3 or 4?

And my meds? Fuck man. It's a fucking mess this life of mine. I don't blame Chris for wanting to be rid of me. Friday night he made me feel so fucking special, wonderful, perfect. Now he hates me and wants me to kill myself. He will never forgive me for the things I said and did. Chances are when I'm upset I will say and do those things all over again. I can't expect anyone to live this crazy with me anymore. 

I love him so much. He means everything to me and now. I can't anymore. I can't keep doing this to him or my children. He's right when he said they would be relieved. They would be in so much pain for a minute. I was. But in the long run it will be better for them. It's the only way I will ever stay away from the chatline and avoid fucking up my life any more than I already have. How can I possibly ever make this a life worth living? 

I can't kill myself, I've tried. I just can't do it. I always think of my kids and what their reaction would be when they find out what I've done. I don't think I will ever be OK. I am always going to struggle with these emotional problems. Please god, someone help me. I just want to be able to live without everything falling apart. 

I have to quit smoking pot again. Saying goodbye to literally the two things that mean more than anything to me? I might as well be dead.

why?

Why does this always happen? You called me this morning and I was on the toilet. By the time I got to the phone you were gone. I forgot my phone in the car and see now you called me a half an hour ago. 🤬🤬🤬