oofta

I need so much shit

A broken heart

 I love you so much. I am so dependant I am so dependent on you. And I miss you so much. It's unfair. It's unfair what you did to me. I love you. And you betrayed me. You think I betrayed you but you betrayed me. It's so hard to think about you now. It brings me so much pain. I want to be with you, I want to spend my time with you, I want to hear you say you love me. But I can't, not anymore. And I hate you for that, that's what I hate you for. My heart is broken. And I can't do anything about it.

It's been awhile

 I am sad. My heart is sad. I'm going to lose everything I own again. I'm going to be homeless. I'm fucking scared and this isn't fun anymore. 

my love

I love the way you love me. I know how lucky I am. I don't take that for granted, not for a minute. I love you with every piece of me. Nothing could ever change that. I know it's hard to trust people. It's hard for me to trust you. Really, who wants to be stuck with someone like me? But for some reason you do and nothing NOTHING is bigger than that. No friend could fuck with that EVER. Ok, I'm done now. 

stuff for dubuque

Mines of Spain 

Horseshoe bluff

Fried green tomatoes

stuff I need

Toilet seat

Magic erasers

Shower rod and curtain

More foamy stuff

Tin foil

Seran wrap

WD-40

May baskets

Little cards

CMC

     The CMC has been a fantastic place for me to grow. It has been a safe place where I could learn to open up and let out some of the pain that's been inside me. It's been a place of learning while I went through therapy and worked with staff here to build my self-esteem. And you gave me a home when I couldn't find one anywhere else.

     I appreciate the kindness and understanding of the staff as Ive gone  through therapy. My behaviors didn't always reflect my true feelings toward the cmc. The understanding and concern of the staff supported me through my changes. That is something I haven't found anywhere else in my whole life.

     Leaving the CMC is extremely bittersweet. As much as I am looking forward to having my own place leaving the staff and the other residents behind is very difficult for me. I know that I can come back here and get support whenever I need it which I appreciate but on a deeper level of understanding I know that in my life I will never feel this type of support again.

     As I leave here I have only one real piece of advice for the staff and that would be to put resources first. I was here for over a year before I got started finding services that I desperately needed. Working with ihh, finding food stamps and the free phone that goes with food stamps, finding adequate therapists, and being informed about other options with housing. I feel that if I had started with these things from the beginning My success would have come much quicker and I would be more advanced in my program. I found that the staff was not terribly knowledgeable when it came to me applying for social security or other resources that I truly needed.

I see other residents right now that don't have IDs, don't have social security cards, don't have their birth certificates, have not applied for food stamps yet, don't know about the free phone, have not been provided a direct line to therapists that could actually help them, and hope of finding housing after leaving other than moving across the street.

     I don't mean to criticize the staff because I think they do the best they can but they don't have proper training on helping people with these particular types of issues. As I have said before I am so appreciative of my time here and I don't want to take away from that however that being said there is still a great need on our floor for resources that the staff either doesn't have the knowledge or the time to address.

the whale

I can already tell that this is going to be a life-changing film you don't see them very often but I'm not even halfway through and maybe a quarter of the way through the movie and I've already related to this man in so many ways. I will continue this after I finish it but I just wanted to start that it's already making me think all kinds of things very very inspiring

What the fuck?

I don't think you read this anymore. I have felt a definite emptiness here and on your "number". I don't think you are listening to me at all. In any way. You hate me know and you have another girlfriend that is moving in with you. Was this like when you were going to meet me, or when you were going to marry candy? Or more like when you were going to meet angel and went so far as to buy a ticket to come see you. Or all the times that Shasta was waiting in a hotel for you?  I don't understand you. You have all this love from all these sources and you still don't want it. You push people who care about you away. I hit the four year mark and that don't seem to mean a thing to you. You wanna be done with me, I can't stop ya. I can't make you love me and I sure as hell can't make you not love anyone else. My ADHD won't allow me to stop what's coming out of my mouth. I have it worse that 97% of other people my age and you were the only person who could see through that. You make a joke of me telling me to call you. I know you aren't going to answer me. I don't know what your going to do day to day. Sometimes you are sweet, then your sexy, next thing I know you're insulting and finally you become scarry as fuck. Are you going through some mental health shit on your own or are you really just moving on to Megan and telling me to fuck off. That didn't happen because you got mad at me one night for 15 minutes. But I got to have the relationship I wanted with you for a long time. It was good and you helped me through a lot. I'm so much stronger and more capable now than I was when I met you. I have grown immensely in our time together. I had really felt that you were making some great changes too. I see though that like me you can only hold your shit together for so long.

Im a good girl. I love long and hard. I don't give up. I forgive and forget. I try to be supportive and loving. I try to make you laugh and sometimes I make you cum. I have Integrity but I doubt you could even wrap your head around that. I wonder who you are on the phone with now. Who are you going to sleep with? It definitely isn't me,

stimes i think you intentionally antagonize me so you have an excuse for bailing out on me and leaving me out in the cold because you are busy with other girls right now. You feel guilty for what  you are doing to me and so you pick at me until I get upset and you have an excuse to not talk to me. You heard me this morning. I was hurt, those tears were pain. I just want to go to sleep right now. You have worn me down.

I am processing the fight that we had, coming around a little at a time but it seems as though it doesn't matter one way or another. You said you are through with me, and I guess you are. I have to figure out a way to be ok. It's so hard when I'm used to talking to you 24/7 to all of a sudden not have you in my life at all. Instead though you just ignore me altogether. 

I wish that I could take back all the nasty things I said to you but I can't. And it hurts so bad. I can't even cry anymore. I need an out so bad. My heart is killing me. I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I'm so sorry that I offended you and I wish I would never have said anything about Shasta. You know I hate myself so much for not being a stronger person. 

I have used all my coping skills, even came up with a few new ones, but nothing helps. Sleep is fleeting. Food is disgusting. I really need you. But I know that I will get through this. through. Are you really through with me? You said it and when you said it I felt like you meant it. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. I'm so tired of hurting. I fight myself all day every day to be ok but it never works. I'm doing everything I can, I'm in every kind of therapy I can be. I go to these goddamn groups where I live. For the first time ever I was feeling like we were making it. I felt like we were finally ok. Then I went and fucked it all up. 

I don't know what else to say. I'm finally crying. I guess that's a good first step. 

I'm sorry. I wish I was different. I don't blame you for dumping me. I just don't know where to go from here. I'm starting over again at 48? You are everything to me. I did so well for so long. How did we get here? Why did that have to happen? I didn't want that to happen. I don't blame you for not saying anything to him and in fact I bet you felt like it was about time I had to deal with some of the trucker fall out. 

Please don't leave me. Why does everyone always leave me? Isn't there anyone in the whole world who won't leave me? I'm not saying I don't deserve it but I always thought you were the one person in the world that would stick it out with me. Please god, what am I supposed to do? I need your help. Am I really that bad of a person that no one will stick with me? Why did thaht have to fucking happen. Please come back to me. I hate this pain. 

 I don't want to lose you. I feel fucking sick.

My Love

I'm sorry I talked shit about Shasta. I know that's a trigger for you and I did it anyway. I don't want to hurt you. I am working on my impulse control in therapy and I'm going for ADHD testing today, which would explain some things. I love you, I don't want to fight with you. I miss you terribly. My heart aches without you. I can't eat anything, can't hardly sleep at night. I need you and I am trying. I just need to hang up when I get that upset. That is something I am going to be working very hard on. Things between us were going so well, so well. I hate that I fucked that up. I wish you knew how badly it hurts me that I upset you the way I did. I haven't called the chatline since the incident. I am no longer stalking you and after I cancel my sideline account  I am deleting it from my phone.  Please, try to understand how upset I was. Try to understand how often I do ignore things; kayla??? Brenda??? Isabella??? Megan??? and how much better I have gotten over the last six months or maybe even a year. Tomorrow is 4 years since we started talking and I so terribly want to spend a little time with you. I am so sorry that I upset you, that's the last thing I want to do.

It's my fault

I know that you have good reason to want to end things. I know that I was so far out of line and that what I did is unacceptable. I don't want to do those things. I don't know why I do things like that. What did I get out of doing that? Nothing. What have I lost from doing that? Why would someone choose to lose the person they love most in the world? They wouldn't, I wouldn't. But I understand if enough is enough. I can't argue that.

What I've done so far to try to stop this and begin making amends (whether or not you want to be with me) I haven't gone back out on the chatline. I am not looking for you or listening to find out who you are talking to or what you are talking about. I am just trying to go on. 

I can't change the fact that I fucked up. I wish I could. But I can stop it where it's at and do my best to make sure it doesn't happen again. That's the only thing I can do. I can stop participating in the anger and the fighting. I can stay off the chatline. I can take the sideline off my phone. I can continue to do what I've been taught to do. I can watch tv or a movie, I can sing, I can do a tiktok, I can suck my thumb, I can sleep, I can take a bath or clean something, I can have a snack, I can paint, I could get my ashes and try that do a little experiment with my ashes. There are so many things I can do.

Why didn't I do those things last night? I was too upset and I wasn't thinking the right way. That's it. I'm not going to make excuses or lie. I am just going to take responsibility for my actions and apologize. I'm sorry last night happened. I wish I could take it back or that I would have kept my mouth shut. There was a reason you denied that you were talking to me. I should have gone with it, but I didn't. Can't be changed. But that set everything else in motion. 

But don't get this fucked up. Regardless of what you say, you know that I am not doomed to be with you. I have been with you because I love you and want to be with you. I have been with you because you make me laugh and because I make you laugh. I have been with you because of your guitar and meeko and our conversations. I have been with you because you are smart and again because you are funny as hell. I have been with you for so many reasons. Mushrooms and hail satan, reservation dogs and shoe painting, artists and photographers, illnesses and breakdowns and Love. 

I love you. I hope that you calm down and that you can forgive me. I'm not sure what parts of that you are most upset over and although it matter's, it doesn't. I'm sorry for talking all that shit too. It's so frustrating because I don't want to be the person that does those things and says those things but then I am. I try really hard to make better choices and do things differently but sometimes it just isn't enough. 

Work Storage

 knhieu@brainfuse.com with the following items:

Email Subject Line: "PRIORITY Indeed Applicant – Brainfuse Math Coordinator"

Email Attachments:
- Resume
- A copy of your bachelor’s degree (or higher) or unofficial transcripts that show your qualifications for teaching mathematics
- Teaching License or Certificate (preferred, but optional)

Please share a detailed overview of your experience and skills that align with the requirements of the Math Coordinator role.

Also, confirm that you have the following equipment ready:
- Personal computer or laptop
- Fast and stable internet connection that can handle streaming for multiple devices
- Integrated or standalone microphone with clear audio output

Please state your availability (e.g. Mon - Fri, 10 AM – 1AM ET), whether you are looking to apply for the full time or part time position, and your earliest available start date.

We are looking to rapidly hire many Coordinators and can only review fully completed applications with all the components above. Please be prepared to complete and provide the typical pre-employment materials in case we decide to proceed with your application (W-4 Form, I-9 Form, I-9 Acceptable Documents, State Tax Withholding Form – if applicable, Direct Deposit Form and a voided check).

Thank you,
Kevin Nhieu
Program Manager
knhieu@brainfuse.com

What am I supposed to do

I don't know what I can do to make this better. I'm still on one. This has been very upsetting to me. I don't want to fight with you or lose you to Shasta. I love you and I always have, you know that. When I met the Mormon I felt like I was meeting the bigfoot or something. I feel like you should get me a shirt that says "I met the Mormon and lived to tell about it" For real. And I really wish that you could move on from it. It was a mistake fuel headed by the creature itself. He did it to cause problems for us, and here nearly 4 years later it is still causing us problems. I remember the next day you were just so mean and cold to me. And now all this stupid chatline stuff is coming back up in my life. I don't want this to be my life.

But then I think about you meeting Shasta and it's devastating to me. DEVASTATING! Is that how you feel about me meeting the Mormon? Does it make you sick to your stomach? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry if I've made you feel that way. I don't want you to feel bad. I don't want you to feel so betrayed and decieved. Having to wonder and worry about what we talked about, what we did with each other. I did a stupid thing. I didn't know it was going to be so upsetting to you at the time because you have so many girlfriends why would you care so much about me.

You know that I have worked hard to become a different person. To not need male attention to make myself feel ok. That I don't need to go on that chatline to make myself feel special or important. You did that for me. You made me realize that 1) I have to keep myself ok. I can't rely on anyone else, even you, to make me feel like I'm going to be ok. You make me feel good. I love you and I feel loved by you. I make you laugh sometimes. I hear you laugh sometimes. 2) I don't need that chatline to be ok. I can be ok, and actually more ok if I just stay off of there. That place is just full of wicked hurt. 

I'm assuming you are super pissed at me now because of what I did earlier. I was so hurt. I was so angry and beside myself. I wasn't thinking, I was acting out of uncontrollable emotions because you told me that Shasta was coming to see you. I have put all my effort into changing my ways and becoming a better person. Yes, I went on the chatline tonight a few times but I didn't say a single word to anyone. Not that it matters but I didn't. 

The Box

On the floor there is a box.

The box is open, the lid is laying next to it

I have begun folding and wrapping all of my beautiful things and putting them in this box.

I have moved many times.

This time is not the hardest.

I don't know when I'm going to go, it's not up to me.

But I know that when it's time, I'll be ready to go, much more than last time.

I will slip the lid on the box and put it on a shelf and then I will walk away.

I will be okay.

I love you

That is all.

Ugh!

There are wild horses running up hills and there are trees for as far as your eye can see. You want to get up and froclick in the warm sun and the cool breeze. I can see it in my mind. I can see me sitting in a shitttiy little apartment next to neighbors that suck. I want more for myself. I really love horses. I really do. I love singing even though I'm not very good at it. It's fun amd it makes me feel good. That's how I feel about tik tok and how I feel about my game. Sucking my thumb, wetting my pasts and having nasty coughing fits. I know I have problems but I think with the help of a community service provider I will be able to manage my bills and money. Help getting my food togetehr and maybe who knows I just need help.

 

why?

I don't understand why you do this. Why for a moment you're the most sweet and loving man I've ever met in my life and then as if somebody pushed a button you turn into someone cold and calculating and cruel. So when you are so good to me it's almost like a warning sign it's something bad is about to happen. But I still love you. And I don't care what you do when you're not with me, that is none of my business. I couldn't go to sleep last night so I took some sleeping pills and I came out and had a cigarette and when I went back upstairs I didn't want to go in my room because I was watching tick tock and I didn't want to bother neema so I sat down on the living room couch and fell asleep. And I listened to you snore half the night.

This is why I don't ask for your phone number or suggest that I move to Oklahoma or even suggest that I take f****** trip to Oklahoma because it pushes you over the edge. I know you're upset about the LIE I understand that one completely. But I know that you somehow forgave me for it for a few days.

I'm having a hard time with life and you know that. I don't know if that's why you continue to be nice to me or if it was something else. But I'll repeat the same thing that I've said before I'm not going to fight with you. I respect you too much I respect myself too much and I respect our relationship too much to do that to either one of us anymore. All the hateful things you're saying, you can save it. I'm very sorry for not being honest with you. If I could go back and make a different decision I would.

I have a life to live though and I can't throw it all away because you're being mean to me or because you won't talk to me. I have to fill out forms today I have to get my food stamps together, I have to get my insurance together, I have to deal with the student loan s***, I have to file my taxes, I need to go to Meddie labs and get blood work done for the doctor for my diabetes, and on top of all of it I have to go to family therapy with Lily today. And then with them leaving I have all of that to process. If you really think it's prudent to be cruel to me or just not talk to me at all that f****** sucks. That's a dick move. But I can't stop you. All I can do is wait and love you, that's all I have in me.

I'm sorry

    I'm sorry. I wish I would have told you at the time but I was scared you were going to be upset. And I think I was right. I needed a place to go and it was all I could afford at the time. It was literally the ONLY place I could fine.  I understand that you are upset with me. I wish we could just talk about it. I don't know if the shasta shit is true or not. I don't know for sure about anythinthg. I just can't fight with you. I love you and I don't want to say anything that is going to hurt you. I don't want you to hurt me either. I know I love you and you love me. I understand right now you might feel like you don't want to love me. I know that this could be a deal breaker. I don't know why I thought it was ok to tell you last night. That was a fucked up thing to do, to mention it like it was no big deal. Fuck me. seriously, sometimes I'm a fucking asshole. I just wish I had told you at the time but we were fighting so badly during that time. I was trying not to kill myself. I was and I'm sure you can remember that. I deserve to be punished. I just hope you can try to look at the situation I was in at the time and what my options were. I could have lived in my car. I love you and I don't want to fucking fight with you. I hope that there is a way that I can make amends to you. I miss you. I tried to answer the phone earlier but I still had gloves on and when I pulled my phone out it hung up. I'm so sorry if you're feelings are hurt or if you are angry. I will do whatever you need me to do.