I hate myself

Pot, move, start a new job, tanya, move again. Nothing in my life is right. It was before I moved and started smoking pot. I just feel like I've taken so many steps backwards. I was on my way to greatness and now I feel like I've thrown everything I cared about away. I don't know how I am going to recover from this, or when. I'm so sick of fighting. I'm sick of getting up every day and trying to make things work. Trying to fight the good fight, trying to make ends meet, trying to stay high, trying to eat--forcing myself to eat lately. I'm tired and I just want to give up. But there is no way to give up and somehow meet my needs at the same time. If I give up all of the shit that's chasing me is going to roll right over me. And yesterday? That was insane. I was insane. Why would I do that? I know what is at stake. 

There are 2 people in my whole life, well maybe three, that loved me unconditionally. It doesn't matter whether I'm good or not good Chris always had me. He was always there for me, even when no one else was. It doesn't make sense then that I turn on him when I'm angry. I have a feeling that's part of the reason I went on the chatline yesterday, to get all those horrible feelings I was having out and away from me. To put it on to someone else like Shannon or Champagne. Let them have all those ugly feelings. If two people ever deserved that shit its them. 

And then the door dashing incident. I will be lucky if I don't get kicked the fuck off door dash. Or if I don't end up getting beat the fuck out of by one of these people someday. It's a lot of work staying on top of things, especially when I'm high all the time. I was so much better when I wasn't smoking. I just don't feel like I can now and I don't know why. I'm feeling so exposed and vulnerable. I thought pot brought back the comfortable me. I'm comfortable when I'm high. No anxiety, nothing stresses me out. But look at me when I don't have the shit, I'm a fucking wreck. If this is how it is after 2 days what am I going to do at 3 or 4?

And my meds? Fuck man. It's a fucking mess this life of mine. I don't blame Chris for wanting to be rid of me. Friday night he made me feel so fucking special, wonderful, perfect. Now he hates me and wants me to kill myself. He will never forgive me for the things I said and did. Chances are when I'm upset I will say and do those things all over again. I can't expect anyone to live this crazy with me anymore. 

I love him so much. He means everything to me and now. I can't anymore. I can't keep doing this to him or my children. He's right when he said they would be relieved. They would be in so much pain for a minute. I was. But in the long run it will be better for them. It's the only way I will ever stay away from the chatline and avoid fucking up my life any more than I already have. How can I possibly ever make this a life worth living? 

I can't kill myself, I've tried. I just can't do it. I always think of my kids and what their reaction would be when they find out what I've done. I don't think I will ever be OK. I am always going to struggle with these emotional problems. Please god, someone help me. I just want to be able to live without everything falling apart. 

I have to quit smoking pot again. Saying goodbye to literally the two things that mean more than anything to me? I might as well be dead.

why?

Why does this always happen? You called me this morning and I was on the toilet. By the time I got to the phone you were gone. I forgot my phone in the car and see now you called me a half an hour ago. 🤬🤬🤬

I am so scared.

Im having so much anxiety right now. I'm just sick. I don't think you're going to call me back. Why didn't you call me earlier? Are you dumping me? Please don't, Please. I don't know what to do. You are the only person that really cares about me. Sometimes you're just so mean to me though. I just want to mean something to somebody. I know I mean something to you but after a while I start to feel like you just hate me. Please don't leave me. Please call me. You promised me. My heart hurts so much. Please don't forget about me.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

 Sometimes you are just mean. MEAN! I don't understand why either. You haven't had any time for me lately. I haven't had a lot for you either but fuck I miss you so fucking much. I want to spend the night with you like we used to, I miss it so much. I don't know what changed, what happened? Why did you stop spending time with me like you used to?  You say mean things too, did I do something that hurt you? Do you really think I'm talking to someone else? I barely have time to breath around here. I laid down the other day and slept for 3 hours in the middle of the fucking day, I have just been run ragged. I'm always a day late and a dollar short. That perfectly describes the way I've been feeling lately. I, I, I. Sorry, the rant is over. 

How was your mother's day? You say your mother is gone. I don't know how you feel about it. I don't really care anymore. For me to bring up all those old memories and feelings for one day, I just try to think about a couple of good things that I loved about her. I thought about her nasty licorice breath earlier. It was true but it was something we joked about a lot. She was the coolest mom. I remember that we pretended to be Swedish maids and washed the clothes in the bathtub with a washboard. She had huge boobs and one year on Halloween(I was 5) I started the house on fire trying to light the pumpkin with a huge wad of rolled up newspaper by lighting the newspaper on the stove and then shoving it in the pumpkin. I remember my mom running out of the shower naked and dripping wet ripping the curtains off the wall and beating the flames off of the walls in the kitchen. All the kids outside saw my mom completely naked and she didn't give a fuck. 

I feel so vulnerable when it comes to us. I am always worried that you're going to leave me. Oh well I'm too tired to go on. ttyl

I'm kind of stuck

I have been under so much stress lately. New job, moving, no money, Tanya, weed. My mental health has really been suffering for it. I know that you end up bearing the brunt of it. I don't know why I do that. No. I end up bearing the brunt of it, you just don't know. But you are a victim of my obsession with you. I am sorry for it. I wish things were different. I don't want to lose you again. Please. I love you so much. Please don't leave me. 

I love the you that you've shown me, fits and all. 

I love the way you love. I need it. Why do I need it? Why do I trust you so much? Why do you make me feel so safe? I'm sorry if I've done something and haven't yet realized what it was. You know it always takes me a few days. I wish you would just tell me. I'm so fucking scared. I don't know what to do. 

If I don't call the chat line he isn't going to call me. If I do call the chat line I'm going to get my feelings hurt and probably do something super stupid. I'm fucked no matter what. My heart feels like it's being torn apart. I literally feel like I could barf out flaming lungs. That's what this feels like.

It's not fair

This burns me like I'm on fire on the inside. I feel it in my cheeks and my abs for some reason. I carry this furrow with me all the time as if I'm in pain. I should be the happiest ever and I feel like shit. Baby, why do I feel like shit? I'm doing the best I can to make you proud. I know you hate when I say that but it's true. When you think of me I want you to be proud of the woman I've become. You have had a lot to do with that. I don't want you to quit calling me. Please, please please please don't stop calling me. I can't do this without you. I know I'm struggling to balance things right now, it's just a lot and my living environment is completely fucked. I just feel so disconnected from everything. I hear the anger in your voice. I don't know why all of a sudden you are so angry at me. Why you are trying so hard to hurt my feelings? I should have seen this coming, right? I should have known this was going to happen. I just want to die. I don't want to face losing you. I can't. You are everything to me and you know it. I don't know why you stopped listening to me. It kills me but I've known since then I think that something was up. I felt it. I miss you. We had such a nice time on the phone the other night. It was really great. I'm scared. Baby, I'm really scared. Why is this happening right now? Please, please don't leave me. I need you. But you don't need me anymore I guess. My love doesn't mean anything to you anymore. My exhaustion doesn't mean anything anymore. I'm working so hard to try and put things together so I will be stable and we don't have to deal with all this bullshit. But you don't have to deal with it anymore. Please. Please don't leave me. I need you. 

I just feel like these are words that are just wasted. Spoken into the air. I love you so much. You are one of the most important people I've ever had in my life. You have been the most influential person in my life. You have forced me to look at the ugliest parts of myself and figure out who I really am, what I can live with and what I can't. You have helped me build boundaries and then break them down again. A constant reexamination of who I want to be. I love you. God, I love you. I'm not perfect and I make a lot of mistakes sometimes but I love you. I live for you, you know that. I'm sorry that I let you down. Please don't throw me away baby. I don't know what to do without you. I can't bear the thought of going through that loss again. Another 2 weeks of crying. Another 6 weeks of longing for you everyday. Fighting to sleep every night. Please don't do this. Please. I love you. 

I'm sorry I am such a spaz sometimes. I know it's a terrible trait but I do my best, I think you know that I try. I've been under so much stress the last couple of weeks with moving and everything I just have had some emotional issues to work through. I'm so fucking sorry that I snapped on the chatline. Fuck, whatever. I can't say anything in my defense anymore. I can't justify it and I can't wish it away. It is what it is. I just can't lose you baby, please. Oh please. I wish I could fix this. 

I have to get up and get ready for work and I don't even want to. I'm scared I'm going to sit here until 2 and then not make it in the shower. I have to fucking shower today. I am really struggling in a lot of areas and I wish you could understand that with how many changes I've gone through and all the mass confusion in my life over the last couple of weeks I just might need a little grace and maybe even a little support. But you have needs too. I'm just scared. Please don't cut me off baby, please. I really can't take it. My heart is in complete denial. Please, I love you. Please don't leave me. Oh my god, what am I going to do without you? 

Please Chris. Please don't stop calling me. You are everything to me. I wait all day for your calls. All damn day and all I want is to hear your voice, to know you're there for me. I wouldn't cheat on you, not after all this time. You are all I need to be content in this world. The only thing. I don't go on that chatline unless I'm having a really hard day. I never have the urge to really unless I forget to take my meds. 

Are you really dumping me? Please don't do this to me. I need you. I can't do this without you. Could you do that to me? Please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I fell asleep on you. I'm sorry that I haven't been around as much. I'm sorry that I embarrassed you on the chatline. I truly am and I would do anything to take it back. I don't know what else to say. I can't make you do anything. I won't promise to stay away from the chatline. I can't always help it, sometimes the urge is just too strong. I need you. I really do, you just don't understand. Please don't do this to me baby. I can't, I just can't stand the thought of losing you. 

I will be a better girlfriend. I will do better. I will use coping skills when I want to go on the chatline. I won't follow you around or stalk you just please don't leave me. I don't want to lose you. I just can't baby, please. I don't know what I'm doing right now, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I just need  some clarity. I fucking miss you. I'm sorry I don't appreciate you more. I shouldn't complain all the time. I think you do the best you can and you try and I am just so caught up in my own stuff I don't take the time to acknowledge what you've done or are doing for me. Please god, please don't leave me. I'm so fucking sorry. I wish I could be better.

a quiet morning

I miss you. Every night I wait and wait and wait for you. What is happening to us?