I'm kind of stuck

I have been under so much stress lately. New job, moving, no money, Tanya, weed. My mental health has really been suffering for it. I know that you end up bearing the brunt of it. I don't know why I do that. No. I end up bearing the brunt of it, you just don't know. But you are a victim of my obsession with you. I am sorry for it. I wish things were different. I don't want to lose you again. Please. I love you so much. Please don't leave me. 

I love the you that you've shown me, fits and all. 

I love the way you love. I need it. Why do I need it? Why do I trust you so much? Why do you make me feel so safe? I'm sorry if I've done something and haven't yet realized what it was. You know it always takes me a few days. I wish you would just tell me. I'm so fucking scared. I don't know what to do. 

If I don't call the chat line he isn't going to call me. If I do call the chat line I'm going to get my feelings hurt and probably do something super stupid. I'm fucked no matter what. My heart feels like it's being torn apart. I literally feel like I could barf out flaming lungs. That's what this feels like.