Are we human or are we writers?

or whores, or waitresses, or flight attendants, or just folks? I am a writer and a mother and a sister and a friend, an employee and a volunteer a smiling face and someone to borrow 5 bucks from once in awhile. I'm a whole lot of things to a whole lot of people. To my ex husband I am a crazy bitch. Luckily for me I choose to see those things as ways other people define me instead of how I choose to define myself.

I think I am a person doing her best day to day. Sometimes I really drop the bar for myself, but I can do that if I want. No one has to deal with that but me, oh and my kids. I think it's important for me to accept myself for who I am because you can't count on other people to do that. Other people always judge, other people usually think that they could live your life better than you do. "If I were you....." and I wonder sometimes, what would you do if you were me? But then I turn right around and judge other people.

I have realized recently that I do judge books by their covers. This is something I never wanted to do. I think that internet dating has played a role in this. When browsing these internet dating sites I am quick to overlook the boys that I don't find physically attractive. What I forget though is that everyone is capable of being attractive. and that some people that are attractive when you meet quickly become very unattractive when you get to know them. This is something I have grown to understand.

I have also found though that the more judging I do the more I feel judged by other people. And maybe if I stopped being so damned judgemental I might find other people to be less judgemental of me. I am going to make a greater effort to be less judgemental of others and see if that changes anything for me.

On another note, we are on day 8 of the antidepressant prestiq and I am still unsure of the long term effect it will have on me. The first few days I seemed to notice quite a difference. Not so much now, and I thought it was supposed to work the other way around. only time will tell i guess.

It feels like an old friend

I have been having some trouble with my emotions lately. If you don't believe me read my last few posts here. Depressing. So finally I went in to the doctor and requested to be put back on antidepressants. I can't begin to know the effects yet as I am on day 4 of taking them but if the last couple of days have been any kind of representation of what I'm in for I'm gonna do just fine.

I want to add real quick that I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for a few specific people in my life. First my children have done so much to help me. Second my cousin perry who introduced me to a whole new life, I will be forever greatful for that. Third I have 3 friends who have done so much to change the way I see my life and myself. John, Tony, and Gina I see more changes in myself everyday because of the courage your friendship has brought into my life. And last but not least my sister hilary who is always there to listen, even when she really doesn't want to. Thank you all, I love you with all my heart.

Nobodys child

So in 1986 there was this movie with Marlo Thomas that I absolutely fell in love with. It was called nobody's child, and a book title I wanted so terribly to use for my own life story. I have been through hell and back several times and watching this movie helped me to understand that you can go through things, horrible things and still live on.

This movie is about a woman that is traumatized as a child. Her natural mother was mentally ill, her adoptive mother cruel and the combination of these two things created an anxiety disorder and a deep depression in this woman's life. Fortunately for her there were a few people in her life that believed in her and believed that there was help for her. They helped her get stabilized on medication, then found a family for her to live with that could show her how a family responds to each other and how they function day to day.

It might sound silly but these are things that a lot of people never get to see or understand. I never got to see and understand these things. My childhood was very misunderstood by everyone. My mother was mentally ill and my father was absent most of the time. My grandparents, while willing to raise my younger sister, were unwilling to raise me. I lived with several family members, I was in several foster homes, attempted living with my parents occasionally, and was institutionalized a number of times. I was physically and sexually abused, mentally and emotionally battered, and repetitively neglected and rejected by the people who were supposed to love me most in the world. By the time I was 16 years old I was ready to be out on my own and I was emancipated by the state so I could do just that. Shortly after I found and clung to a relationship that was just as painful and unhealthy as my childhood had been. I stayed in that relationship for nearly 14 years.

I have been out and on my own for 4 years as of the 19th of this month. There is no one hitting me anymore, or putting me down. No one forces me to do disgusting sexual things that make my skin crawl anymore. It's just me and my kids and the few people I have chosen to let get close to me. I try to live my life as any other person might. I go to work, come home, and do my best to raise my children right. But as much as I try to live my life normally I have a constant and looming fear that people will discover who I really am and they will turn on me too. I feel that way about every single person I meet. I am constantly paranoid that I will be found out and abandoned. The only people that I don't naturally have that fear with are my children and my sister, and probably the reason that I cling to them so. Odd that the only other people I didn't feel that way about were the very people that made me feel that way to begin with.

I am learning to overcome this but it is so hard for me to trust people. I can honestly say that relationships don't stand a chance with me right now. I still crave relationships that are unbalanced and unhealthy. I make connections with people that are lacking the same things inside themselves that I am, and while I've made attempts at these relationships when I finally see the truth in the relationship I am disgusted by it and turn on it. Then I turn on myself.

I have come very far in the last 4 years, farther than I ever thought possible. But I can't pretend that I am different just because my circumstances are. I still have a lot of issues to work through before I can really feel like a whole person. The only people that ever really get to know me are people that prove to me they view that as a unique part of who I am and not a flaw.

Just as much as I know that there is something wrong with me, I know that there is something very right also. I feel like I understand things in a way a lot of people don't. That I have an appreciation for other people that most don't. And I know that someday someone will be very lucky to know that side of me in a romantic way. But I have to feel ready for it first, and apparently I still don't.

and the sunshine brings it

It is Spring!!!! and I love it. I have so many plans and ideas for the year now that the snow is melting and the warm weathering is rolling in. I know we always have a nice big winter storm after Easter but for today, just for today, I'm not thinking about that. In fact, I'm not really gonna think about any of the things that have been bringing me down lately.

Boys??? They can kiss my ass. You heard me boys. Fuck off, get fucked and go fuck yourselves. I have this great life, great friends and great kids. I do so many fun things and have this funny ass job (most of the time). I work with some pretty awesome people and really I can't complain to much. The last thing I need is some stupid boy screwing any of that up for me. Seriously.

I don't know what my current goals are exactly, I just know that they are about me and doing fun things and making my life easier. This was a fun and uplifting day, one that I needed and I hope it lingers to the next.

I feel an awakening

I don't know if it's because spring is here or if it's just something that is happening inside of me but I've had this hopeful feeling lately and I'm getting excited about it. I think I could swear I feel my metabolism speeding up, if that doesn't sound crazy I don't know what does. But I like the feeling or the idea of the feeling so I'm going with it.

I took my kids to see legally blond the musical on Saturday and it was a blast and so freakin cute. The opening song was the one we remembered best from seeing the show on MTV. The girls had been singing it nonstop for days before we went. But since we've been home there is only one song that has been stuck in my mind. "There's a chip on my shoulder And it's big as a boulder With the chance I've been given I'm gonna be driven as hell" yes just my style, seriously.

So then we went with a good friend for dinner at spaghetti works and a walking tour of downtown des moines via the skywalk. The kids got tired and their feet started to hurt but with all there was to see I think they will remember that for years to come. Then we went for a little angel pussy at cosi caccina's in which I was reminded that you really need to split this between two people. Not one of the four of us could consume the entire thing alone.

Day two we went for brunch at the waveland cafe and then split from good des moines buddy so we could go to the art center. I wanted the kids to see grant wood's painting "the american gothic" but we got a little side tracked there and wound up watching the grapes of wrath. While this bored my children completely I found there couldn't have been better timing for this film and if you haven't seen it in awhile, or ever for that matter now is the time. Then they got to see the painting and it was really wonderful that we saw the movie first because it made all the art work we saw afterward mean so much more to them. It was really a unique experience.

We drove by the capitol but as predicted it was closed. Then stopped by my cousins who lives just near there. We spent a good 4 hours there chatting and dealing with the animals. 5 cats, 4 dogs, 4 chickens and a rabbit. sheesh. then we were home. It was an awesome weekend, as they always end up being anymore. Expensive but well worth it.

And now that I'm home I'm hopeful. I want things to change and I'm actually taking the steps needed to make that happen. That makes me feel good too. All this AND a time change this weekend. Life is fucking sweet, don'tcha think???

Sometimes it is written

Movies. These things are huge in my life. I don't know how much other people invest in the couple of hours that a film takes them away but to me they mean so much. Movies are an escape, a way to deal with my problems, a way to bond with other people, and a way to define myself.

I am also very picky about the type of movies I see. In fact, if I were to be honest about things I would have to say that I am a movie snob. I love independent films. IFC is my favorite channel on television. I also love watching certain actors and actresses. I don't think I've ever seen a role that Parker Posey didn't pull off well, even if the movie was horrible. Same with Gary Oldman or a handful of other actors or actresses.

But occasionally I come across a movie with unknown actors. That movie has a story different than any other I've come across. It is not predictable, as I find most movies to be. The music is wonderful and the cinematography is unique. Yes, I pay attention to that kind of shit. It's the little things that make movies what they are. And I found a movie just like that tonight. We went to see slumdog millionaire and I was so blown away. The emotion that movie evoked in me is possibly unparalleled. The other thing I loved about this movie is that they have a message to convey and they aren't afraid to spell it out. Sometimes it is written.

I think the main reason I feel so connected to this movie is that this is the thing I have strived for in my whole life. I want to and attempt to live my life by this. If it is meant to be it will happen, if not it won't. I will have the job I am meant to, the friends I am meant to, the opportunities to do the things I am meant to do when I am meant to do them. And god willing the life partner I am meant to have when I am meant to have them.

I use the term life partner not because I am gay (not that there is anything wrong with that at all) but because this is what a husband would feel like to me. God has already chosen my path for me, when I find the right person to be with I will know that it will be someone that god sees fit for me to share my whole life with. Maybe not the length of it but certainly the depth of it. It will be someone that can truly appreciate everything about me. It is not something I am going to worry about anymore.

On another note, my thoughts this weekend are with a little boy I know. He was removed from his family today and I'm sure this weekend is going to be very hard for him. I will be praying for you little guy.

And finally, I am taking my girls to see legally blond the musical tomorrow. This is something we have been excited about and waiting for. I don't remember the last time my kids were this jazzed about anything. That's good for all of us. And it makes me feel like every once in awhile I do something right. I will add more on that later this weekend.

so I have a lot to say

The lord is alive in my life. This is something I've been aware of for many years now. I hear people doubt or question him and it leaves me baffled because to me he is as tangible as my big beautiful breasteses. He has given me so much in my life time. Put wonderful people into my life, and the courage to stay strong in moments where weakness seemed like the only option.

I've been feeling terribly weak lately. I think I had forgotten where my power really comes from. So I turn to him now and say. "lord, you are my light and my salvation show me my path. I am but a tool for your bidding, use me the way you see fit lord. I know I am here to do your will and not here on this earth for my own gains. I will accept the things you give me lord as if each and every one of them were the gift of gold knowing that each challenge you give me is leading me home."

With just those few words I am comforted. I am reminded that I am not here to get anything or anyone, I am not in this world to reach some goal of my own. I am here to serve the lords purpose for me, and it is through doing that I will find my final and glorious salvation.

I'm sure that sounds like a bunch of religious jargon, and maybe that's exactly what it is and all it is. But to me it means so much more than that. and it gives me a purpose, and makes my pain bearable and understandable. And if that's all it is well that's more than enough right now.