I love you

My dreams have been so vivid and so full lately. You always there with me. Always fighting my fight with me and me for you. I love what we've become. I love you and I'm starting to love me. 

what the fuck?

I cleaned for I don't know how long, my phone was plugged in the whole time. I'm at 8%. I'm gonna have to get a new charger.

I have to clean

I am doing some cleaning around here today. I have to charge my phone so I won't be with it for awhile. Please don't ghost me again. I don't know why I'm worried about this today but I am. I love you.

the last couple days

I know the last couple days have been kind of wonky. I didn't have my right charger and my phone wouldn't stay charged it kept dying last night it died again at like 1:30 in the morning and I caught it right I caught it right as it was dying but it was too late 135 in the morning. I don't want you to feel unwanted or unloved. I am still doing all of this for you. See it stopped stopped recording me before I was done talking. But I really feel like I'm ready I'm standing up. I'm figuring things out I'm feeling more solid. This s*** at proto ain't nothing to me. I don't know if I'm done feeling weak I'm sure I'm not I'm sure that I'll have days where I still feel like I don't know what the f*** I'm doing or how I'm going to do it but I am definitely at a place where I feel like I can try and manage some things. I feel so good that this guy is going to be helping me now. I think that with his help I'm going to be able to get all my s*** together and he's going to stay with me not stay with me but he's going to work with me through the transition of me moving from here to an apartment. I'm tired of waiting for my social security I'm still not probably ready to work a full-time job though. I don't want to overwhelm myself and end up falling apart. I am concerned a little that you never seem to want to be with me like that. I don't know if that's really how you feel, I do a lot of assuming. But I want us to connect like that and I'm lonely for you in that way. I love you so much and I don't feel like you're attracted to me anymore. You kind of said last night that you aren't. Did I misunderstand that? You said stop bringing it up. But I can't just switch off my sexuality, I need you like that. I can feel it all stirring around in there waiting to bust out. And I really I'm ready for a trip to the meditation room if you know what I mean. When I try to do it by myself I'm unhappy because I feel like part of me is missing a sexual part of me is missing. And I know I have a hard time with it and sometimes I can't do it maybe that makes you feel a certain kind of way. Maybe you aren't attracted to me because it's so hard for me to get turned on. That's not you, it's my f****** medication. But I need you I need you so bad. I wish I could give you a family a baby. I wish I hadn't met you when I was younger and we could have f***** our brains out like bunnies. I miss the days when we would lay in bed and f*** all day long. Seeing my battery is at 15% again it was plugged in all f****** night. I don't understand why this happens. Sometimes I feel like the universe is truly working against me. Anyway I love you, I'm thinking about you, I miss you. I might try to go up there and masturbate but I'm just missing you.

I Love You

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You have taught me how to love and what faith and belief in someone really means. You've made me look at myself and the way I treat other people and make real changes to be the best person I can be. No one else in my life was ever able to do that. You've shown me that I have to think before I react and how to be empathetic to how my actions effect others. I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. I get upset with you, of course I do. The lessons I've learned have not been easy ones. But I love you, and I always will. No matter what. I have no interest in a boy that knows nothing about life, can't make me laugh, doesn't know and accept all the things about me. I sure as hell can't trust anyone in the world to understand anything about me like you. You walked through the valley of a shadow of death with me. I miss fucking you but it seems like when we get up to it you just change the subject. It makes me a little sad but I'm not going to fight about it. I try not to fight with you at all

 I want us both to be happy.If your upset with the conversation I had with Melissa yesterday, I'm sorry. You have allowed yourself to be vulnerable with me lately and I love you for it. But it's not your normal state of being and I have wondered if you've been OK. Baby, you mean the world to me. I am concerned that you're going to disappear on me again but I have to learn to live with it. And that really sucks but it seems to be a part of my life. Don't make it worse by fighting with me about stupid shit. I just don't have that in me anymore. I love you.

This is the year it starts to pay off

All the hard work I've been doing and all the lessons I've learned have brought me to this time. I'm going to find the right job and the right place to live. I'm going to own up to my responsibilities and enjoy the rewards I've earned. It might not be the easiest year but it will be the most rewarding year of my life. I feel this above all things. I just need to keep my eyes on the prize now.

Happy New Year!

 We weren't together for the new year. Close but no cigar. I was passed the fuck out. I wake up, think my phone is dead and have to drive my ass all the way across town just to discover that you never attempted to call me after midnight. My phone would have died anyway but boy, you could have at least tried to call me. 😪😭. Happy New Year. From work. I love you. 2:24 AM. I'll be heading back home now.