This is the year it starts to pay off

All the hard work I've been doing and all the lessons I've learned have brought me to this time. I'm going to find the right job and the right place to live. I'm going to own up to my responsibilities and enjoy the rewards I've earned. It might not be the easiest year but it will be the most rewarding year of my life. I feel this above all things. I just need to keep my eyes on the prize now.

Happy New Year!

 We weren't together for the new year. Close but no cigar. I was passed the fuck out. I wake up, think my phone is dead and have to drive my ass all the way across town just to discover that you never attempted to call me after midnight. My phone would have died anyway but boy, you could have at least tried to call me. 😪😭. Happy New Year. From work. I love you. 2:24 AM. I'll be heading back home now. 

Chris

 I don't understand why you haven't spoken to me in over a week. Did I do something wrong? The last conversation we had wasn't really a conversation. You were sleeping so sweetly. You sounded like an angel. I told you how much I loved you, I thanked you for calling me and told me that you always make me feel so much better and then you hung up and haven't called me back since.

You replaced me for real this time, huh? You found someone that will sleep with you at night. Someone that will always answer the phone when it rings. Someone that will let you berate and belittle them. I'm getting better for real now, so you don't want me anymore? 

I have never loved anyone the way that I love you. I will never let anyone in again, not the way I've let you in. I've tried to be strong through this. I haven't called the chatline. I haven't cried and begged you to love me. You never really gave me that opportunity and you just stopped. I never thought you would give up on me. 

I never would have given up on you. 

You kept me alive for these last 4 years, ya know. I didn't want to be here but you gave me a reason to stay. My children will never understand all that you did for me. I'm sorry I was slacking with the phone. I got the dog and it just became hard to remember everything. I just feel like you aren't going to call me again and that hurts so fucking much. 

I don't know how to get over you. I miss you so much. I'm not going on the chatline though. Is that why you stopped calling me? I thought it was you and me. I know there are other girls but I never ever imagined that you would really leave me. You have been everything to me for so long. But I'm feeling so abandoned. 

What will Christmas be without you? There's a part of me that just wants to give up. Why am I doing all this hard work if not for you? God dammit Chris, please. Please. I miss you so much. I feel like I'm talking to no one. I just think you cut me off and that is all. I just can't believe it. I have loved you so long. 

Everything we've been through together and you just want to give up on me, now? Now, when I'm finally starting to be healthy and normal? Is that why? You don't like me unless I'm crazy? It doesn't make sense. 

I will say this though. For an ending, it was good. That's what has kept me going this last week. For the last few months you have loved me good. You have respected me and treated me with dignity. You have listened to me and been there for me. You weren't judging me or trying to hurt me. I hope to god that you are ok. 

I have tried to be strong and I think I've done a great job. I miss you so much. How do I get over this? and I keep wondering if you are ok. I keep wondering if something bad happened to you. It makes me want to call the chatline but then I don't. I don't want to know what you are really doing. I don't want to know if something bad has happened. I just want to remember the way you have loved me. I want to remember the way you have been there for me. I want to know that we were happy together. I was happy with you anyway. You were the whole reason I got out of bed in the morning for so fucking long. 

I wonder if you miss me, if you think about me, if you wonder how I'm doing. It hurts so bad sometimes. I just miss you. I just sit in my car and smoke cigarettes wishing my phone would ring. I pray to god that my phone will ring. I still wait for it to ring and I probably will for a long, long time. It's so hard to face Christmas coming without you. But I feel that you aren't listening to me anymore. I'm not begging you anymore. I don't think you're there and even if you were, leaving me, just forgetting about me? 

Don't you miss me at all? Don't you think about me? After nearly 4 years you just let me go. I don't know how to do this without you but I am holding my heart together somehow anyway. For today. It gets harder everyday though, it really does. Just when I think I'm starting to feel better about things I just feel worse. 

I should have listened to you when you asked me to. You said I was always busy with other people. I honestly believed that you were happy that I was busy with other people because it allowed you time away from me. I felt like that was what you wanted. You would only talk to me for a couple of minutes and then hang up on me anyway. Then hang up and call me back a few minutes later and then hang up again. 

That should have been a sign but I just thought it was you being you. I never believed that you would do this and just stop talking to me altogether. 

When I think about everything we've been through together. How many storms we've weathered together. How many nights you listened to me cry and nights you didn't. How sweet the sound of your snore was to me, or the way you would play the guitar for me. Your jokes, your stories, your funny ass insults. I fucking love you man. Not to mention all the intimacy and truth I shared with you that I couldn't tell anyone else. That's what makes me feel better. Remembering all that we've had together, everything we shared and dreamed about. All the knock down drag out fights we used to have. 

I worry that's what killed it for us. Not enough drama. Not enough anger. Not enough passion. It's my medicine you know. I know you know that. I know you remember how it used to be. How great it used to be. I can't be loud like I used to be either. I'll be getting my own apartment soon and it could be that way again. I'm sorry. I don't know how I'm going to let you go. Maybe a piece of you will always be with me. No one ever made me feel important or special or loved the way you did. EVER, 

I miss you.

I can't believe you're not going to call me at all. Please baby, where are you? Did you replace me with someone else because I forgot my phone a few times because of the dog? Please, what are you doing? I love you. Please don't do this to me. I need you. Please don't throw me away. Please. I can't believe this is happening again.

All Alone

You left me here all alone

What did I do wrong?

I have tried so hard to be good

I have tried so hard to get better

It doesn't even make a difference to you

My heart aches and burns

My stomach is twisted in knots

I'm trying really hard to pretend I'm OK

But I feel like I'm dying

I knew you were going to do this sooner or later. I've tried to prepare myself for it

Nothing can prepare me for being without my heartbeat. I love you and I miss you but you aren't listening, why? What did i do? I'm sorry. Please don't leave me. I need you. Don't you need me at all? Don't you miss me at all? Don't you care about me? Why would you do this to me? It hurts so much. Please don't hurt me. I love you.

i love you

I love you and I always have. I'm pretty sure I always will too. Everyday won't be our best day, but even those days are wonderful to me. Thank you for being a truly wonderful person for me. I hope sometimes you think I'm a wonderful person for you too. Have a great day baby, love you.

Therapy 11/1/22

 Heather Lenning had a tumultuous life. Her childhood was difficult. Her mother was seriously mentally ill and attempted suicide while her father was suffering from PTSD from Vietnam and had problems with addiction. Neither of her parents were able to care for her properly and she was shuffled around between family members, foster homes, group homes, psych wards and such. 

During that time Heather was molested by a cousin, and had inappropriate contact with her father. This accompanied with an incident during her toddlerhood created an unending sexual desire in her that would cause her to develop unhealthy sexual habits. As early as 5 years old Heather remembers masturbating. She remembers having inappropriate sexual contact with other children, including her younger sister. She remembers using things to help her achieve orgasms such as dolls and furniture. 

Heather was not afraid to masturbate anywhere and remembers masturbating even in public. She remembers having inappropriate sexual feelings all the time as a child. In public, in front of family members. she remembers grinding against adults that allowed her to "ride the pony".

Heather remembers scouring books for any mention of sex. She found a book about a woman that became fascinated by lesbians and a man that forced her to watch to lesbians having sex while he tortured her. This was extremely exciting to her. She found several books and magazines when she lived with her father that went into detail about lesbians and all of this turned her on. She was masturbating through all of this, talking to herself out loud saying nasty things out loud, any nasty things that came into her head. She would masturbate until she was sore and bruised. The pain didn't make her stop, in fact at times the pain made her want to do it more.

During the time she lived with her father she was exposed to heavy drug use and bizarre porn. She was shown porn in which the devil was sucking milk out of women's breasts. There were men present during this showing and there were small unclothed children as well. Heather went back to her home and masturbated furiously. After this she often included these things in her fantasies. During this time her father was also pushing his sexuality on her. Forcing her to lay with him while he had an erection. Rubbing his erection into her. This made her sick to her stomach and embarrassed. She never wanted anyone to know about this.

After Heather moved from her fathers these fantasies slowly faded away and were replaced by fantasies of falling in love and finding a specific boy to be with. Her fantasies often returned to the lesbian stories she had read when she was younger though. She was never interested in having relationships with women but her sexual fantasies were always about women. As she got older these fantasies intensified and while she did have sex with a few women she never pursued the idea any further.

While she was married Heather was raped by her husband. After this rape took place she never wanted him to touch her again, although he often did. She would fantasize about women during the encounters. Her fantasies began to change however. They became aggressive and about control. About Heather controlling the sexual encounter and became increasingly demeaning and hurtful. Then Heather discovered a website with stories about incest and child molestation. She would spend hours reading through these really bad stories and masturbating about them. But she eventually put space between her and the website, feeling that ultimately it was wrong.

After her divorce she began doing phone sex for money. At first focusing her fantasies on men and what they wanted. Over time she became exposed to pedophilia. At first these phone calls disgusted her but eventually they became intriguing and exciting. She went through a period of time when these calls were so exciting to her that her body would shake and she would have the most intense orgasms she'd experienced in her life. After that point phone sex changed for Heather. She was no longer doing it for money, she was doing it for the orgasms. And the only calls she enjoyed taking were the calls that involved children or some sort of abuse or sacrilege. 

Finally Heather sought out a phone sex company that specialized in pedophilia and began a specialty in accomplice fantasies in which she was helping a pedophile abuse his victims. She had also found phone chatlines that were filled with men that would masturbate to these fantasies with her. There were men that spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars a week to talk to her. This gave her a very big sense of self esteem and she convinced herself that she was helping these men deal with their fantasies rather than doing harm to other people. 

Then Heather met a special man. And she fell in love with him. Over time she began to feel that these fantasies were wrong and she shouldn't be participating in them. She wanted to be excited by her partner and only him. She stopped calling the phone lines but struggled with it on and off for years. It is still something she struggles with from time to time but she wants to walk away from it completely. For the most part she has left it behind. She has learned ways to have these fantasies without involving other people but still feels guilty for them. She has struggled with self hate and questioned whether or not she is a danger to children.