omg

Boundaries are set by me

I'm not ready to see something until I see it usually first noted by someone close to me Then I have to recognize it or acknowledge rather. Then I can think about how to do it. Then I practice it and practice it until I'm ready to work on the next thing. 

Marijuana is good for my introspection. It quiets the chaos in my head so I can think straight. I hope I don't flip shit tomorrow. I don't blame you if you need space,  I don't want that but I understand if you do. It's not good for you to be around me when I'm like this. 

I need a shake.

Let's see if she's going to blow it folks!

Hindsight is always 20/20 because you can't convince me in the moment that there is a problem. I have to be able to reflect to see where I've gone wrong. And it's not easy for me to see it. It takes me doing some stupid shit before I realize how off the mark I was. Talking shit, being obsessive, screaming or crying for long periods of time or doing something hurtful to myself.

Saying goodbye is a trigger for me. It's a reminder that you are leaving me alone. You are so right. I know I instantly become defensive because to me it feels like you don't want me or something, it becomes representative of how you feel about me in whole. This is just me owning some shit, ok? 

I think that maybe you don't say goodbye because you know how I'm going to react, maybe you already recognized that it's a problem and that's your best way of dealing with it. If that is true I can work on it. I can think before I say goodbye and learn to say "okay, I love you, goodbye" that might sound stupid but I do have to practice things like that because my auto response is "please don't leave me"

I am super insecure. I struggle with feeling unwanted everywhere in my life. That is trauma related. Being left, having other people chosen over me like my grandparents taking my sister but letting me be moved around between family foster and group homes. The thought of you choosing someone else over me just triggers all that I think. This is one thing I'm getting from being in therapy.

This is not a feel sorry for me thing. I honestly want to find some resolution to these problems of mine. I love you enough that I want to change these things about myself for me so I can be better for other people. I do the same thing to my kids but worse.

You've said a lot of truly powerful things to me lately, that have rocked me. Last night telling me that my crying is abusive. I never really thought about it like that before. A few days ago you said you were trying to be respectful of my feelings and you were.

You can't fix me. You make me feel better, you make me feel good, but that doesn't fix anything. I'm still a mess when it's time to say goodbye. I feel justified in being an asshole to you because you won't just stay with me and keep me feeling ok. I blame you for me not feeling ok because I refuse to look at the real reason, and honestly sometimes I just can't see it because my feelings do consume me at times. Good word choice because that's almost how it feels as if I am being eaten alive from the inside out.

I could scream and cry for you just hanging up on me but I am in the frame of mind today that it's not going to help anything. It's going to make things worse and I really don't want to do that. Yesterday we had a nice long talk and last night you even said you would sleep with me but I was just overwhelmed by this thought of you not wanting me. 

Some of that comes from you telling me how much better everyone else is, from me hearing you tell other women you love them in an open room. It hurts and I can still hear you saying it but I think you have been trying to change that. I've been listening, even if it doesn't seem like I am.

But when you told me it's time to heal. That hit me the hardest. Inside that thought there lies peace. A kind of peace I've only antiquated with suicide up till now. It is time for me to heal and move on from all this pain. To try and trust the universe or God or you. To trust myself that I won't always hurt this way. That you aren't going anywhere, and I don't have to be afraid.

I'm not going to lie though. I want to work on this but I don't know how hard it's going to be. What if I can't do it? What if I can't change this thing about me? Well there's this treatment place in Michigan that has an 8 week thing for people with BPD where you're emersed in groups and therapy that will help you heal. The waiting list is hella long but I think I should get on it, just in case.

I don't want to be this person. Desperately clinging to hang up calls, holding a little hope every minute of everyday that the phone will ring. I want you to be the frosting on a delicious piece of chocolate cake. Not the cake itself, if that makes sense.

I have begged God to help me, to be able to kill myself so I don't put the people I love through anymore hell but here I am still fighting to be a normal girl. Going to work, taking showers, putting food into my body. Things that seem so pointless at times.

There is so much more I could say but all of this has made me quite tired. I love you, I'm sorry I'm like this I truly want to change. I am going in for therapy again Friday and hopefully I will start the healing process. You deserve peace in your life, period. You continue to support and love me through everything. I could never repay you for the strides you've helped me make. It is appreciated more than you will ever know.

I feel all fucked up

I'm twisted up inside. I'm angry but not at anyone. I want to cry but can't I'm just dry. I don't know what exactly is going on with me. I'm in a strange place today.

I hate myself

Pot, move, start a new job, tanya, move again. Nothing in my life is right. It was before I moved and started smoking pot. I just feel like I've taken so many steps backwards. I was on my way to greatness and now I feel like I've thrown everything I cared about away. I don't know how I am going to recover from this, or when. I'm so sick of fighting. I'm sick of getting up every day and trying to make things work. Trying to fight the good fight, trying to make ends meet, trying to stay high, trying to eat--forcing myself to eat lately. I'm tired and I just want to give up. But there is no way to give up and somehow meet my needs at the same time. If I give up all of the shit that's chasing me is going to roll right over me. And yesterday? That was insane. I was insane. Why would I do that? I know what is at stake. 

There are 2 people in my whole life, well maybe three, that loved me unconditionally. It doesn't matter whether I'm good or not good Chris always had me. He was always there for me, even when no one else was. It doesn't make sense then that I turn on him when I'm angry. I have a feeling that's part of the reason I went on the chatline yesterday, to get all those horrible feelings I was having out and away from me. To put it on to someone else like Shannon or Champagne. Let them have all those ugly feelings. If two people ever deserved that shit its them. 

And then the door dashing incident. I will be lucky if I don't get kicked the fuck off door dash. Or if I don't end up getting beat the fuck out of by one of these people someday. It's a lot of work staying on top of things, especially when I'm high all the time. I was so much better when I wasn't smoking. I just don't feel like I can now and I don't know why. I'm feeling so exposed and vulnerable. I thought pot brought back the comfortable me. I'm comfortable when I'm high. No anxiety, nothing stresses me out. But look at me when I don't have the shit, I'm a fucking wreck. If this is how it is after 2 days what am I going to do at 3 or 4?

And my meds? Fuck man. It's a fucking mess this life of mine. I don't blame Chris for wanting to be rid of me. Friday night he made me feel so fucking special, wonderful, perfect. Now he hates me and wants me to kill myself. He will never forgive me for the things I said and did. Chances are when I'm upset I will say and do those things all over again. I can't expect anyone to live this crazy with me anymore. 

I love him so much. He means everything to me and now. I can't anymore. I can't keep doing this to him or my children. He's right when he said they would be relieved. They would be in so much pain for a minute. I was. But in the long run it will be better for them. It's the only way I will ever stay away from the chatline and avoid fucking up my life any more than I already have. How can I possibly ever make this a life worth living? 

I can't kill myself, I've tried. I just can't do it. I always think of my kids and what their reaction would be when they find out what I've done. I don't think I will ever be OK. I am always going to struggle with these emotional problems. Please god, someone help me. I just want to be able to live without everything falling apart. 

I have to quit smoking pot again. Saying goodbye to literally the two things that mean more than anything to me? I might as well be dead.

why?

Why does this always happen? You called me this morning and I was on the toilet. By the time I got to the phone you were gone. I forgot my phone in the car and see now you called me a half an hour ago. 🤬🤬🤬

I am so scared.

Im having so much anxiety right now. I'm just sick. I don't think you're going to call me back. Why didn't you call me earlier? Are you dumping me? Please don't, Please. I don't know what to do. You are the only person that really cares about me. Sometimes you're just so mean to me though. I just want to mean something to somebody. I know I mean something to you but after a while I start to feel like you just hate me. Please don't leave me. Please call me. You promised me. My heart hurts so much. Please don't forget about me.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

 Sometimes you are just mean. MEAN! I don't understand why either. You haven't had any time for me lately. I haven't had a lot for you either but fuck I miss you so fucking much. I want to spend the night with you like we used to, I miss it so much. I don't know what changed, what happened? Why did you stop spending time with me like you used to?  You say mean things too, did I do something that hurt you? Do you really think I'm talking to someone else? I barely have time to breath around here. I laid down the other day and slept for 3 hours in the middle of the fucking day, I have just been run ragged. I'm always a day late and a dollar short. That perfectly describes the way I've been feeling lately. I, I, I. Sorry, the rant is over. 

How was your mother's day? You say your mother is gone. I don't know how you feel about it. I don't really care anymore. For me to bring up all those old memories and feelings for one day, I just try to think about a couple of good things that I loved about her. I thought about her nasty licorice breath earlier. It was true but it was something we joked about a lot. She was the coolest mom. I remember that we pretended to be Swedish maids and washed the clothes in the bathtub with a washboard. She had huge boobs and one year on Halloween(I was 5) I started the house on fire trying to light the pumpkin with a huge wad of rolled up newspaper by lighting the newspaper on the stove and then shoving it in the pumpkin. I remember my mom running out of the shower naked and dripping wet ripping the curtains off the wall and beating the flames off of the walls in the kitchen. All the kids outside saw my mom completely naked and she didn't give a fuck. 

I feel so vulnerable when it comes to us. I am always worried that you're going to leave me. Oh well I'm too tired to go on. ttyl