so tired

All I can figure is that I'm adjusting to my new meds. But I was trying and just couldn't stay awake. This has happened before but I didn't take anything. I just made a complete ass of myself. I'll tell you about that later.

hate me?

I don't think you hate me. I don't think that you really believe that I'm cheating on you because you know me. I'm sure sorry if I've done anything to make you think that because there is nothing or no one, that could ever be worth losing you over. Lily and I are going through something and I think that it's going to have a really big impact on the relationship I have with them both because I don't know that I'll ever be able to feel good about myself really if they are always waiting for me to do something wrong they don't trust me and maybe they shouldn't. Maybe this is the point at which we need to part ways a little bit for a while and when I say that I don't mean to stop talking to them but just letting them really figure out how they feel about the past and coming to grips with it on their own terms. I don't think I was the worst mother ever I could have done a whole lot worse they're great successful good people but they blame me for a lot and I don't think that they want to admit it or something I don't know but my heart's been hurting over that. And I've been longing for some stuff that I probably shouldn't like a disconnect from reality now which is what I had the other night. It's not something I intend on doing very often because obviously it has an impact on the control I have over my behaviors and that's probably what took me out on the f****** chat line last night. Yes in case you didn't know I was on the chat line last night. I've been waiting so long or feeling like I'm getting back I'm getting back I'm going to be there but maybe I'm not and maybe that's a good thing because that wasn't a good place to be I was solid as a f****** rock yeah but all the things I had to do to stay there no I don't want to live that kind of life anymore you know I know you know that. I am scared of losing you I'm always scared of losing you. I'm scared that you're going to find somebody better than me and you're not going to want to talk to me anymore. Last night I was extremely scared the way that you talk to me scared the s*** out of me. Because I thought we were staying away from there but I also thought I was staying away from the chat line yet there I was. I hate when this thing stops recording when I'm still talking about really good things but anyway I'm sure you know that I was on the chat line and maybe that's why you were being so verbally Stern with me I really hope you don't think I'm cheating on you that would just break my heart it really would you know there's a part of me that doesn't believe anyone could love me and that's the way that you love me so my mind comes it tries to come up with reasons why you know where is the proof proof I don't need proof I just know. The proof is you continue to call me and you listen to me you pretend like you don't sometimes but you do you care about me and I care so much about you and I wish so badly so so badly that whatever it is that holds us apart could just disappear. Sometimes I think that makes me a fool but other times I think it makes me the luckiest person in the world. I was talking about yesterday and she said that most people will never find what we have what we have together most people will never experience that in their whole life. I don't know I hope I haven't f***** up where things were for us because we worked so f****** hard to get there. You are the place where I go to rest the place where I go to recharge a place where I'm safe. I just want you to know that I love you and I miss you and I'm sorry if I did anything to make you feel bad because that's one of the very last things I want to do

omg

I'm struggling. I'm having a really hard time right now. I'm sorry about my phone, I do the best I can. I just want to hear your voice. I don't think it's gonna happen though. I love you. Remember that I love you.

Pam

This chick is on my mother f****** nerves and I have no one to talk about it cuz it's so f****** Petty it's so stupid but she drives me f****** nuts I cannot stand her I cannot stand being around her she just everything she does just annoys the f*** out of me I say can I go take a break to get a drink and then she gets up let's go have a puff no b**** that's not how you do it that's not how you get out of group and now they know that I'm out smoking a cigarette instead of them thinking I'm going to get a drink you dumb f****** b**** God you just stay in your own m************ Lane ever you always inserting yourself into s*** that is none of your business whether it's my food or my car whatever you're always getting up in my s*** leave me alone you cow

I'm sorry

I came o over to Hannah's with McDonald's and didn't have enough hands for everything so I ended up leaving the phone down here and I came down to smoke a cigarette and hear you done called me a bunch of times. I hate when this happens. I love you, she's going to help me apply for unemployment. I'm still trying to figure out whether or not I should just sit on unemployment or get a job. I'm sorry I missed you, I miss you. I love you. I'll talk to you soon.

I love you

My dreams have been so vivid and so full lately. You always there with me. Always fighting my fight with me and me for you. I love what we've become. I love you and I'm starting to love me. 

what the fuck?

I cleaned for I don't know how long, my phone was plugged in the whole time. I'm at 8%. I'm gonna have to get a new charger.

I have to clean

I am doing some cleaning around here today. I have to charge my phone so I won't be with it for awhile. Please don't ghost me again. I don't know why I'm worried about this today but I am. I love you.

the last couple days

I know the last couple days have been kind of wonky. I didn't have my right charger and my phone wouldn't stay charged it kept dying last night it died again at like 1:30 in the morning and I caught it right I caught it right as it was dying but it was too late 135 in the morning. I don't want you to feel unwanted or unloved. I am still doing all of this for you. See it stopped stopped recording me before I was done talking. But I really feel like I'm ready I'm standing up. I'm figuring things out I'm feeling more solid. This s*** at proto ain't nothing to me. I don't know if I'm done feeling weak I'm sure I'm not I'm sure that I'll have days where I still feel like I don't know what the f*** I'm doing or how I'm going to do it but I am definitely at a place where I feel like I can try and manage some things. I feel so good that this guy is going to be helping me now. I think that with his help I'm going to be able to get all my s*** together and he's going to stay with me not stay with me but he's going to work with me through the transition of me moving from here to an apartment. I'm tired of waiting for my social security I'm still not probably ready to work a full-time job though. I don't want to overwhelm myself and end up falling apart. I am concerned a little that you never seem to want to be with me like that. I don't know if that's really how you feel, I do a lot of assuming. But I want us to connect like that and I'm lonely for you in that way. I love you so much and I don't feel like you're attracted to me anymore. You kind of said last night that you aren't. Did I misunderstand that? You said stop bringing it up. But I can't just switch off my sexuality, I need you like that. I can feel it all stirring around in there waiting to bust out. And I really I'm ready for a trip to the meditation room if you know what I mean. When I try to do it by myself I'm unhappy because I feel like part of me is missing a sexual part of me is missing. And I know I have a hard time with it and sometimes I can't do it maybe that makes you feel a certain kind of way. Maybe you aren't attracted to me because it's so hard for me to get turned on. That's not you, it's my f****** medication. But I need you I need you so bad. I wish I could give you a family a baby. I wish I hadn't met you when I was younger and we could have f***** our brains out like bunnies. I miss the days when we would lay in bed and f*** all day long. Seeing my battery is at 15% again it was plugged in all f****** night. I don't understand why this happens. Sometimes I feel like the universe is truly working against me. Anyway I love you, I'm thinking about you, I miss you. I might try to go up there and masturbate but I'm just missing you.

I Love You

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You have taught me how to love and what faith and belief in someone really means. You've made me look at myself and the way I treat other people and make real changes to be the best person I can be. No one else in my life was ever able to do that. You've shown me that I have to think before I react and how to be empathetic to how my actions effect others. I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. I get upset with you, of course I do. The lessons I've learned have not been easy ones. But I love you, and I always will. No matter what. I have no interest in a boy that knows nothing about life, can't make me laugh, doesn't know and accept all the things about me. I sure as hell can't trust anyone in the world to understand anything about me like you. You walked through the valley of a shadow of death with me. I miss fucking you but it seems like when we get up to it you just change the subject. It makes me a little sad but I'm not going to fight about it. I try not to fight with you at all

 I want us both to be happy.If your upset with the conversation I had with Melissa yesterday, I'm sorry. You have allowed yourself to be vulnerable with me lately and I love you for it. But it's not your normal state of being and I have wondered if you've been OK. Baby, you mean the world to me. I am concerned that you're going to disappear on me again but I have to learn to live with it. And that really sucks but it seems to be a part of my life. Don't make it worse by fighting with me about stupid shit. I just don't have that in me anymore. I love you.

This is the year it starts to pay off

All the hard work I've been doing and all the lessons I've learned have brought me to this time. I'm going to find the right job and the right place to live. I'm going to own up to my responsibilities and enjoy the rewards I've earned. It might not be the easiest year but it will be the most rewarding year of my life. I feel this above all things. I just need to keep my eyes on the prize now.

Happy New Year!

 We weren't together for the new year. Close but no cigar. I was passed the fuck out. I wake up, think my phone is dead and have to drive my ass all the way across town just to discover that you never attempted to call me after midnight. My phone would have died anyway but boy, you could have at least tried to call me. 😪😭. Happy New Year. From work. I love you. 2:24 AM. I'll be heading back home now.