On Synchronicity

There is coincidence, you calling me once when I'm unavailable. Then there is synchronicity when you only call me when I am unavailable to answer the phone like when I'm in the shower and when I am taking a nap. Then there is LYING when you say youre going to call me at a certain time and you don't. What the fuck? I had a feeling you weren't going to call me last night, I just fucking knew it. You are killing me with this shit, for real. I miss you, why are you doing this to me? I am dying inside and you don't even care. Why would you do this to me? You promised me. You promised. You lied to me about Candy the whole fucking time. Angel and Juanita? Lies. Nigger Dave? Lies. All the fighting you did with me? Lies. And now youre talking to some bitch name Candice? Is that who youre really sleeping with now? I am fucking dying inside. Please don't do this to me Chris, PLEASE! 

I don't want to feel this way you know. I wish I could just do what you ask and walk away. Find someone else to talk to and forget about you but I can't. I just can't baby, don't you see that. I tried to be cool about it but I just miss you so fucking much. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Don't you see how much you mean to me? I just want my life back and without you I don't have one. You placate me, but this is no game to me. This is my real life.

Please god hear me. Get me out of this fucking mess I've gotten myself into. Some guy laughed at me outside because I was sitting on the ground having a cigerette but I have nowhere else to sit. They won't let us sit anywhere else. We don't even have a bench to sit on during the day, let alone any shade. I am working this horrible job that I thought I wanted so bad. Fuck this shit man, I want out of this. 

I want out of this NOW. I'm sick of feeling embarrassed just to be alive. And the chatline will still be the end of me. Please show me the road out of this. I am trapped in this shit. I don't see a way out but I know there is one. I have to learn how to ride the bus. I can't do this kind of work full time and I will never be able to support myself this way. There has to be a better solution.