What the fuck was that for?

 Why are you acting this way towards me? Don't you know how important you are in my life? How much I need your support right now? I have a lot of big changes happening in my life right now. But I can see that isn't going to happen. You are very angry and you are being extremely hateful to me. I'm just going to have to put more time into myself. And that's fine because to be honest I need it. 

I would love to be here to support you but you won't let me. I support you where I can. I know what you need and I do my best to give it to you. You know what I need too and usually you are pretty good at giving it to me but not today I guess.

What a nasty and humiliating thing you said to me earlier. I just don't understand where I went wrong this time.

Ugh me

 I'm giving all my pot stuff to Hannah. It's not good for me to be smoking that shit. Now I'm starting all over again to get "clean" I don't think smoking once in a while would hurt but it just doesn't work for me to have it anymore. It makes me stupid. And anxious and worried. That makes me sick to my stomach. 

It also makes me sick that I dragged my daughter into it.  SICK! Here is the big excuse:

I have been getting more and more frusturated at work, sometimes I stress over you, I stress about listening to Tanya take a shit and no one washing that airfryer but me. Stupid stuff. But it builds up. I thought pot would really make a difference and it just makes life harder tomorrow. 

As long as I can blame other things I don't have to admit I'm doing anything wrong. I'm so hungry. I need a nap too.

Happy Valentines Day!

 I really wish we were getting along. I miss you so much. I was wishing so hard that you were going to call me before work today. 

I'm really worried about us. The way you've been talking to me scares me. I am doing the best that I can. I know why you're mad at me. I can't go back, I can only move forward.

I hope that our Valentines Day can be a nice one. I really do miss you.

I stopped and got my blood sugar medicine today and I'm actually excited to take it. Maybe I'll start sleeping again. I signed up for an extra shift 1-4, then I have group from 430-630. I am really hoping you wanna talk to me tonight. I'm missing you so bad.

You gave up

 You have given up on me, moved on. I miss you so much, why don't you miss me?  i don't remember what I said to you Friday but it must have been bad because you just gave up on me. I don't know how to get you back, it feels like you just don't want me back. It hurts but that doesn't seem to matter either. All I can do is ride this out. I love you and I can't give up on you or us. This causes me such grief. Food is a burden. Sleep is nearly impossible or unavoidable depending on the moment. I just don't know what to do anymore. 

How did we get here?

I'm sick over this. You are so fucking angry at me. You haven't been this angry at me since I flipped on Shasta last time. You wouldn't talk to me all weekend. At first I thought it was because I kept falling asleep on you and missing your calls but you just wouldn't let up on it. I felt like you were antagonizing me on purpose so I would do what I did so you could justify being mean to me. 

Sometimes I feel like you do this to try to chase me away. Do you really want me to go? It hurts so much, food doesn't sound good,  I can't sleep, it's hard to work. I can't function without you.

I hate fighting with you, I try so hard to avoid it. You are breaking my heart. I feel like I'm dying inside. Your gentle touch is what I need more than anything right now. I'm hurting so much.

You are the only person that is here for me, the only one that really cares about me. You are the only person in the world that I need and I don't know what to do without you. Please don't do this to me. 

I'm sorry if I upset you. I try so hard not to. I fill my free time with crochet and movies, stupid computer games and the cat. Looking for another pet or an apartment because I don't want to be a burden to you. I try to come up with things to talk to you about because I feel like you get bored with me sometimes. 

I try to be kinky so you want to fuck me but it always bites me in the ass. I just want you. I want you to want me. I want you. I want to feel your hands and arms all around me, I want you to pull my head back by my hair and suck on my neck and my titties while I grind against your cock. I want you to want me like that.

I want to talk to you for hours like we used to but I feel like you're just bored with me. Go to sleep. You don't know how bad that hurts my feelings. I feel so rejected and unloved. So I crochet or find a Hulu show. I do anything I can to try not to think about it.

But I can't fight this way with you. It's breaking my spirit. It makes me hate myself, it makes me want to disappear. I just want to fade away. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to live, it's hard and scary and I feel so alone sometimes.

Please don't chase me away. You are all I really have and I don't want to lose you. I'm sorry if I didn't show you enough how much you mean to me. I'm sorry that I get upset and cuss you. I open my mouth and shit comes out. I don't want to say any of that hateful shit to you. I always regret it and wish so bad I could take it back.

Please don't hate me. I miss you.

Im Sorry

 I'm sorry I'm so selfish. I love you so MOTHERFUCKING much. I would do anything for you. Anything. Please let me. Please let me in. Youve done so much for me, and you have. I love you.

Alone

     I'm sad. I miss you. I want to hear your voice and feel your presence. Life without you is so empty.