I wish i could talk to you

 There is so much going on in my head. I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could tell you how sorry I am.  I know you just don't want to hear it anymore. I'm just tapped out. I got nothin left. I'm empty and I'm so lonely. I know you're mad. You have every right to be. There are just some things at some moments I can't stop myself but I try. I do and you know I do. I want to be out on the chatlines searching for you right now but that only makes things worse. I was on the 5700 for like 5 minutes and timber pussy started talking shit about my family. I'm really feeling stuck right now. I feel like a bunny caught in a net scrambling to get free but I'm lost in it and I don't know how to get out. I miss talking to you in room 82. That meant so much to me. Now I'm just stuck with all this shit in my head and I have nowhere to put it. Please don't leave me. I need you. I'm sorry I flipped on you last night. It was that goddamn letter. It freaked me the fuck out. No excuse that's just what happened. Can't you forgive me? I just want to sleep.

you got caught in the crossfire

 I'm so sorry about last night. I was so upset by that letter and I took it out on you. You're sick of it. Do you want to take a break? I don't,  I really don't I need you but I'm under a lot of stress right now and I am not solid. I'm scared of losing my housing, my job and you. Please try to understand. I try to understand when you snap off at me. This whole thing with Jennifer should be over soon. I heard some things today and I dont think she'll be around much longer. I love you , I don't want to fight. I'm sorry. You know how hard I'm trying to get my shit together. Please try not to take the things I say when I am upset personally.  It was a glitch in my system.

My Sickness

 I am having so much anxiety today I just can't handle it. It's so bad I'm shaking and sweating. Wtf? I cant stand being inside my own body. I'm not exactly changing my number at least not until I talk to Chris. I'm really fucking scared that this is just a way for him to get rid of me. I hate this. Sticky vaseline mommy, please don't let me die. 

Confused

 You were so mean this morning and I have no idea why. I'm working so hard to improve myself. I was listening to recordings of me fighting with Shasta because I'm trying to process those feelings so I can move past them. And lilly and I went out to dinner, I didn't want you to hear something that would trigger you but it must have triggered you anyway. I don't know if I will ever be able to get you to trust and believe in me. I try so hard to be a better person. I know you see that. There's only so much I can do.

Crying on the inside like its raining on the inside

 I feel sick. I'm not going into work today. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate myself for hurting you. I wish I could take back all those words. I love you and I don't want to fight with you. I become overwhelmed with jealousy sometimes and I get crazy but I'm pulling myself back. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for acting like that. I'm starting to worry that I'm going to lose you. Not an excuse, that doesn't make me doing that OK. Why can't I text you? I just want to tell you how sorry I am. And I'm sorry I've gone on that goddamn chat line looking for you. Sometimes i get scared you won't talk to me if i don't. I don't know why i want to hear you talking to other girls. I do feel like I'm in competition with them. I feel like you care more about them than you do me. That hurts so much. I just want to be loved by you, just you. Nobody else will do. I just want to be loved by you alone. You talk about me talking to other guys and it kills me. I don't want to talk to anyone but you. I know you know that's true. I'm sorry I got all worked up this morning, I shouldn't have said anything about her. I have two separate thoughts about this going at the same time, it's called cognitive dissonance it's not just psycho. We have been doing so well but I have started slipping. Going on the chatline more and more often, crying and all that bullshit. I don't want us to end up back where we were. You work hard to make me feel secure. I work hard to make you feel that way too. I'm not talking to anyone but you. I love you. I'm sorry I continue to struggle with this shit. I won't go on that chatline today. I want to so bad but I know it will only make things harder for us. I love you and I appreciate having you in my life and for more than just a bedfellow. You are my friend and my love, my heart and my home. I don't want to be without you and I'm willing to do whatever it takes for us to maintain our relationship.

A quick last thing

 I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling about things right now. I feel good, well put together, steady on my meds, I'm looking towards the future, I'm remembering to center myself when I need to, I'm making new friends and thinking about my children more often. I'm trying new things like sewing and I'm going to make a pie for everybody. I filled out a form for therapy just now so I'll be getting started with that. I'm just waiting now to make some money so I can get my license back and get my car back so I don't have to ride the bus anymore. I hate that fucking bus. I have to leave in 16 minutes so I can walk 5 blocks and nearly miss the bus again like I've done already all fucking week. That is my biggest complaint in life right now. I miss Chris but I can't dwell on it anymore, it sucks me down into this sad and desperate feeling place and I can't live there. I've tried to make a guy friend, there's one boy that puts a shine on me but he's from the chatline too and for that reason alone I don't really feel like I can trust him. Honestly though he's the only guy I've found interesting enough to catch my attention besides Chris or Steve in 2.75 years. That has to say something doesn't it? Anyway, I have to leave in about 10 minutes. I better get my ass moving.

A breath of fresh air

 I just had the most amazing dream. My dreams have all been fucked up for a long time but this dream, oh my god. So there is this guy that I work with and he looks just like kurt cobain. Plus he's gay which makes everything just a little more touchy but he is perfectly beautiful. Anyway he was in my dream as a confidant and that was all. But there was another guy in my dream that I wanted to be with so extremely bad. He is the good guy but with a rough exterior. I made a decision in that dream that I wanted to be with him and nothing was going to get in my way. I was going up to this room where he stayed I think and I was writing to him in this journal thing that was already there. And he was loving it, I mean he was eating it up. I look just like I look and he was falling for me but as I was getting to know people it came to my attention that there were a lot of girly politics going on so I asked this chick about him and she told me all about him and then told me she was his girlfriend and I made the decision that I was going to win him over no matter the cost. She was going to lose him. That's what I did with Chris. I told Angel how much I liked him. I wasn't afraid of her, I wanted him and I got him. I didn't get to hang on to him but I had him for a good amount of time. And I did win, there were aspects of his personality I've never had in a man before but there was this other side of him that had to hurt me when I didn't follow his "rules" and instead of talking to me about how he felt or tell me that he was upset with me about whatever it was that he was upset about he just became a monster towards me. So, I lost him. I wish I hadn't because there are so many things I still want to tell him sometimes. Anyway, this dream though. So she tells me that that's her boyfriend and as soon as she did I just had this overpowering feeling of strength. And I knew with everything in my being he was the guy for me and no matter what she was going to say wasn't going to change anything. So I fell in love, it was in my sleep but I so hope he makes a reappearance in my dreams because I need this. I need to feel alive again. My spirit has been dead for awhile now and I need a reason to get up and do things. I'm still not enough of a reason but if I could have adventures in my dreams, if I could fight for someone in my dreams it would all be worth it. 

That made me think of my tattoo. Half Fire, half water. Like a ying yang. the center of the fire will be the hot white of the sun with flames coming up out of one side and the top will be fire engine red and the other side will be blue and the center will be a calming black and the rest will be blue like the deep of the ocean with surf towards the top and a dolphin possibly even though I don't give a shit about dolphins. BEAUTIFUL. I feel love in my heart today. The first day since he stopped calling me. Part of me feels a little guilty because I don't want to let him go. I'm not letting him go though. I will love him until the day I die. I just don't get to be with him anymore. This kind of love never dies. The things he did for me, no one else in the world could do for me. 

I miss you Chris but I know you don't want me anymore. That breaks my fucking heart. I will never love another man the way I love you. I know I won't. You are my "one". I'm sorry you don't feel the same. I'm sorry if I hurt you or said things that hurt you, I'm so sorry. I'm trying to move on, ya know. I really am. Crazy nut job perverts aren't going to help me though, they aren't going to be important to me and at least in this moment in my life I don't want to be there. I think it's weird that for as long as we were together you still don't get that. I am just as good as you ever thought I was and I'm just as bad as you ever thought I was, just like you are. I need to meet someone like that and I just don't see it happening. You are one of a kind my friend. One in 380,000,000.