I miss you

 I miss you terribly. I think about you a lot. I saw those two short native guys on a commercial a couple of days ago and I thought about you. I wonder if you miss me at all or if you're just relieved that I finally left you alone. I'm changing my number soon. That makes me sad but I know it's for the best. I wish you well and hope that someday you find true happiness with someone. Your restless heart is more than I can bear or bare, something. Anyway, I'm just stopping in to say I miss you. That's all.

I want you to know but I'm not tellin

 

You are a smart and strong woman and I have a lot of respect for you and the things you’ve been through. You’ve given me fantastic advice on how to handle the situation that came up about my girls’ sexuality. I think you really saved my family a lot of grief and I’m so glad that it came up while I was here and while I had you to talk it over with. You’ve been inspirational to me. You have shared a lot of your history with addiction and childhood trauma with me. I believe that you told me those things to inspire me.

Lately though I have felt something different. I feel insulted, disrespected and placated when you cut me off and start talking over me. I feel unheard when I talk to you at times because you don’t listen to the things I have to say. I love hanging out with you but I want you to know what I think and how I feel too. I tried to share my story with you on several occasions but you don’t seem interested at all. I end up listening to the stories you’ve told me before about your mother or how you feel a house should be cleaned.

I know you are completely committed to your recovery and that your experience with AA has been wonderful for you. I’m so happy that you were able to find something that changed your life. And you found fellowship in that. But there is more than one way to skin a cat. I am in the process of finding out which way works best for me. You don’t get to decide that though. And it is very insulting when you say things like I can’t quit using my phone if I still have my phone. I can though. I gave up that chat line when I lived at my daughters and I did that on my own.

 I had a relapse of sorts when Chris broke up with me. I gave myself a pass on that because of the situation and just decided to try to get back up on that horse. So far, so good. But I did it for myself. I’m not doing this shit so I have a place to live, I’m living here so I can do these things.

My addiction is unique to me. You say all addictions are the same but they aren’t in my perspective. From my perspective I will need my phone with me the rest of my life. You will not need to carry a bottle the rest of your life.  You seem angry that I am not taking your advice. It is working out well for me. I’m going to see a sex therapist for sex and love addiction. That’s what is going to work for me. Going to meetings where I feel weird and awkward is not good for my mental health.

I am not giving up my phone or anything else for that matter just because you tell me to. You don’t know what is best for me, I do.

BPD- Borderline Personality Disorder

 So, I have BPD. I didn't know I had this until about 6 months ago but now that I know so many things make sense to me. I will have much more to say on this in the future. I will come back here to post information that I find. 

I do want to say 1 thing; recovering from a mental break, drug or alcohol addiction or getting over sex and love addiction is really fucking hard. I lost everything I had but my car and somedays it feels like I'm just barely hanging on. But I can see something coming for me in the future. I am starting to see a glimmering hope of who I'm going to be and I'm really excited.

I miss Chris so much but he made it clear that he does not miss me so I have to leave him and the chatlines alone now. I have to let go and move forward to the things that will be the foundation from which I build my new life. I will be organized and live slow. I will be mindful of the things I do and the things I say or I will try to be anyway. And I will focus myself on what I'm doing instead of what anyone else is doing.

SLAA

 So I am going to start an SLAA meeting here. A new girl just moved in and I think she could use it too. I need a meeting to go to in person and I feel that this would open a lot of doors in our community. There isn't a group any where close, and I'm talking about new york or los angeles.  So let's do it. I downloaded the starter kit and the 8 core principles. AND I found an online meeting to go to so I can start my recovery now. This is a little different than a drug addict or a drunk. This I have to continue to live next to for the rest of my life without acting on it. I have a long way to go.

No More Apologies

 You will hear no more apologies from me. I hate all the girls you fucked around with and I can say it if I want to. Shasta, Shayla, Candice, Nicole from Georgia, Cally, Barbie, Juanita, Angel, Rachel, Heather from Texas, Texas and that little mexican bitch. I hate them all and I'm aloud to hate them because they all played a role in hurting me. I hurt them too but really I don't care if I hurt them because what they didn't do to me, you did. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. If you're so much smarter than me how come you didn't call something as simple as inertia.

   I love you. I've loved you since the day I met you. Mushrooms. That kick started the most important relationship I've ever had. I didn't say the best relationship but it was definitely the most important. I learned so much about myself from you and nothing I do will ever change that. You are a big part of the reason why I'm where I am today. In the gutter but freeing myself of baggage I've carried since I was a little girl. 

   You're just ass backwards in things sometimes. You act like the things I went through make me a bad person. That's just not a fair statement. The things that happened to me as a child scarred me but I wore those scars like a badge of honor. I was always proud of the things I had lived through because I lived through them, you took that pride away and threw it in the toilet. I don't know if everyone could have survived what I did, but I did. I'm a strong woman, something you never gave me enough credit for. 

   What you do to women is not right. Playing one woman against another. In my case you played them all against me. But none of us would go against you because we might lose you. We can't express our feelings to you, we can't discuss anything with you that might shine a light on to what a fucking piece of shit you can be, you refuse to own your own feelings by blaming these things on us somehow. You don't have the right to treat me the way you have. You don't. The one difference is that I never backed down from you. If I was mad, I screamed at you. If I was sad, I cried in open rooms. If I was happy, I let everyone know that as well. 

   Does this change the way I feel about you? No. You were one of the ONLY people in my life that ever really gave a true shit about me. And you did, you will deny it but you did. You were there for me when no one else in the world gave a shit. My kids aren't bad people, they are young and they were living their lives. I put a hella amount of stress on them. That's what makes me a piece of shit. Not fucking with some bitches over the phone. The things I've done to my kids. I have a lot of work to do on myself so I stop being shitty to them. So I can support them instead of it being the other way around.

    If you think I'm leaving the chat line for you, motherfucker, I ain't doin shit else for you. This is for me. This is so I don't have to listen to you parade all of my business everywhere. This is so I don't get harassed by your nappy headed cunts anymore. So I don't have to listen to you talk about how much you hate white women. I don't have to apologize for something that you shouldn't know about me. If you can't take the heat get out of the motherfucking kitchen. I am aloud some privacy. I'm sorry you disagree but I am. Am I going to miss you? Every day for the rest of my life but I won't do this catch me in a room whatever. It just isn't right. 

   I know you say your glad, your happy and you never loved me. You call me crazy and a bitch, tell people that I'm fat and ugly and stupid. Openly in rooms you've told people that I was dead. Oh well. These people don't know me, don't know my struggle or even my story because they never took the time to find out. They were laughing at me before we were even a thing. Being your girlfriend just meant that people could be as mean to me as they wanted. You could have saved any of the girls I went after but you just let it happen. You could have said "stop or it's over" but you never did that. On top of that you reminded me daily why I should hate them and be cruel to them. Why did you ever do that?

   In the case of Shasta, everyday for months you told me that you loved her so fucking much and that she was your favorite girl and so much better than me. You weren't trying to make me feel bad, you were trying to make me angry. So angry that I would go out and find her. You told me something once when I asked you why you would do that to her, why throw her name at me and piss me off? And you told me that it was because she called you a pedo for a year straight. And I believe that your mind works that way. 

   You just recently fucked Texas over with her new boyfriend. You started flirting with her to get her attention of the other dude. You did it to me a thousand times. I also think sometimes though that he would call me because of you. You two would talk to me about the same shit. I would hear his words come out of your mouth and it was odd how he showed up just about the time you would bail on me for another bitch. And how did you know that I had a star wars figuring next to my bed, or that my house was a mess.  That wasn't a coincidence every day for months on end. You calling me seconds after I called the chatline. I literally have hundreds of examples of this on my phones.

   I love you and I know this is weird but I'm getting better. I just have to find a job that really suits me. I don't care if I go through 20 more jobs either. I'm doing this on my time not yours. I don't care if I gain weight because I have more important things to deal with than the way I look. Someday I'll be ready to tackle that. Obviously not today but someday.

   I hope you learn a little mindfulness and that you can't actually just pick someone and be done with this madness. What I said is 100 percent true, It takes a mentally ill person to stay on these chatlines. No one should expose themselves to these things and if they do it's because there is something wrong in their head. Anyway I'm exhausted. This was a lot. 

   

   

This is fucking killing me

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do this. I need you so much. I hate myself, I wish I could die so I would leave you alone but I can't breathe without you. I know you know that but still you go off with Shasta right in front of me over and over. Will you please just kill me. Just put me out of my fucking misery because I don't know how else to handle this. I'm so sorry, I hate myself. I fucking hate myself. You promised to call me though. You promised. Why did you do that? Just so you could make me look like an idiot, make me feel like I want to die. 

Wicked Game

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No, I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart)
With you
With you
(This world is only gonna break your heart)

What a wicked game you play, to make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you

And I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart)
With you

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you
Strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No, I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart)
With you (this world is only gonna break your heart)
With you (with you)
(This world is only gonna break your heart)

No, I (this world is only gonna break your heart)
(This world is only gonna break your heart)

Nobody loves no one

-that's the only thing that's been running through my mind since I talked to you last. You said you were going to call me. You only call me when I'm not able to answer the phone. Why do you do that? Why didn't you call me like you promised you would? Please don't do this, please. I just feel like I'm running out of air. You just don't understand what I'm going through right now. It just hurts so fucking bad. I wanna cut myself, burn myself, hurt myself so bad. It's taking everything inside me to not do those things. You are the only thing that will make this pain go away. 

I know you don't think I would betray you. But what I do is a betrayal. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I just don't know what to do. There is only one thing to do but I really don't want to do it. I want to jam my hands in a tree shredder, it would get this out of me. I don't know how to function with this in me anymore.

I will be with you somehow.

 I love you. I love you so much, it's hard to look back and see how much I've grown since I've been with you because it makes me feel embarrassed. If only I had known, I could have saved alot of the problems in my life. You tried to tell me but I was so f****** hard-headed that I didn't want to listen. 

I