It krept in

This sadness kind of crept in and filled up all the cracks when I wasn't looking. It's ugly and sad and makes me look ugly and sad. I have so many things to be greatful for yet I am sad. There in lies the problem, we have to find the happiness in our lives or we won't ever know that it's there. Start by being greatful. Then decide what your future is going to look like. I'm going to have to get something to take care of all the ugliness around here though.

I will buck up, tomorrow is bound to be a better day.

God takes care

Tired, so tired but I can't sleep. I don't think straight but look straight ahead. I see broken bits of this and that's to sooth this daunting task of living. Little bits and pieces of things that would make my night softer but I fight it. I fight it because I feel the desperation looming there in the darkness. I felt it there a few nights ago, hiding in the shadows pushing me to engage it, pushing me to indulge. I knew it was the wrong thing for me, the wrong moment for me to give in but I did it anyway and afterward fell silent and got lost in a slumber that lasted. When at last I regained my senses I realized what a mistake it had been and decided to leave the rest to rest where I could watch them. I left them in a place where I could know that it was my decision every moment to leave them in that place. That's my proof that I am strong.

I say, do not cross me. I am THE crazy bitch. I won't stalk you, or destroy you, I won't infiltrate and annihilate, I do something much worse. I will cut you off. Never another thought will be offered in your direction. That's my proof that I am strong.

With Spring

It comes with spring, this invigorating jolt of newness. I am once again inspired to write. Writing isn't something I've had any time for since August but I'm pulling up and out of that area of heavy artillery in my life, and the desire to write has returned with a vengeance. Let me apologize in advance.

I've gone through so many changes over the last 10 years, swinging back and forth between ultimate fulfillment and contentedness to utter despair and longing several times. I'm on the up swing for now although I'm not counting any chickens, I haven't finished up my spring classes yet. But I feel real hope and direction, and those aren't things I've felt in a very very long time.

I can see a life for myself in the future now, one that is brighter than today. For a couple of years now I'd felt like my good times had past me by.

I had to get real with myself about the people in my life and let go of some things that were causing me pain. It's hard to accept that some things will never be the way you want them to be, no matter how hard you try. Sometimes the harder you try the worse you make it. And so you just have to clean up the wound as best as you can, dress it and leave it to heal. For years I've known I needed to this but I didn't want to let go of the hope.

Now that I've done it I really feel so much better. I think a big difference is my self esteem. When my self esteem was low it didn't bother me so much to be treated like an unwanted pet or a bad rash that had to be tolerated. I felt like I was lucky enough just to have someone care about me. But one day I realized that just because someone listens to you doesn't mean they care. I had to take a look at the way the people in my life were treating me and ask myself if I would treat anyone else that way, I wouldn't be able to do those things to someone. It feels good to know that I'm finally at a point in my life where I know I deserve better. It took me so long to get here.

When I look back on the girl I was even 15 years ago, well she's like a different person. She was scared to death of being alone but the woman I am today doesn't mind being alone at all because I know I am wahsum enough to sustain myself. She felt like she would be lucky to see her kids leave home and assumed she would wind up killing herself, she saw no real future for herself at all. The woman I am stopped hoping for a better future a while back and now knows she has a brighter future in store.

I'm no longer afraid to step into tomorrow because I know that god has my back. I've been so lucky to meet a few people along the road that really do believe in me and I've learned to believe in myself. I know that I have so many wonderful things to share with the world and the world has wonderful things to share with me and I'm finally ready for all of it.

How is it that I simply forget that this place exists?

I don't know why it happens. I find it rather upsetting, I feel that I've missed putting down so much of my life that was important.

About 8 months ago I started using livelinks again. Live links is a singles phone line in my area that is free for women. Through live links I started to get my nerve back. I dated a few guys, had some great sex, and then I met "him".

Him is a 23 year old hispanic boy that is now living with me. He is big and muscley, very strong. He can lift me above his head. He takes out the garbage and puts the gas in the car. Everything I ever wanted out of a man PLUS he doesn't hit me. In fact he is very good to me. He has taken his time getting to know my kids, at times this has been a bit awkward. I have done the same thing I always do with trying to push him away but it's not working this time.

He puts up with all my little quirks, calls me sexy ALOT, and has made BIG changes to satisfy my older than his lifestyle. A definite keeper, the biggest drawback is the guilt I feel for possibly stealing his youth. Ehhh, I guess I'm not that worried about it. He's stealing my "peak". But that's another blog.

Life is good.

i don't know what it means, but it felt good

I have tried for years to write a book because I have a story to tell. But my thoughts became fragments and fall apart. Where there should be glue to hold those thoughts together and seperately they make no sense. Not to mention my grammer is horrible. But I have a story to tell. I haven't yet figured out how to tell it, don't know if I ever will really.
I'm a poor abused soul, lost and angry and confused. Unable to connect to others, unable to want to connect with others, yet seemingly obsessed with it. I live just waiting to meet the man that will make me a whole person. I get up and get dressed, brush my teeth and comb my hair, go to work and do it well. I come home and parent-this is the only thing I do meaningfully. I come home and parent with such a passion that is rarely seen in parenting because I know it is the only thing I do right now with truth in it. and i wait.
i'm tired of waiting, i'd like to learn to live just by living, just by me.

I'm a mill of emotion and sometimes I just don't know what to do with it all. I'm scared that I'm going to be broke and not be able to pay for my gas and lights, I'm scared that I won't be able to continue the lifestyle I've created for my kids and myself, I'm scared that next year when it's time to start school I won't have the money for clothes and that sort of thing.

I want to start school but I owe the college a hundred forty four dollars and they won't give me my transcripts without the money but I'm in a spot currently that I'm not sure I can pay my light bill let alone anything else.

Having a man around would make those things simpler, I'd have help but that seems to be the furthest thing from my mind right now. In fact I find that even a man attempting to enter the veiled sanctity of my personal life is enough to make me want to kill someone. I have crossed a line, temporary or not, that is 100% Asexual. and for the time being I'm fine with that too.

The situation at work is as fucked up as situations at work get with being falsely accused of stealing, reporting the person and have the stress and pressure of that situation. I'm just ready to hand it all over for a bit I think. Turn myself into a looney bin to stay for awhile. How convenient it might be for a heroine problem that required said amount of time in a cushy drug rehab. That is a horrible thing for me to say I know.

I just want relief, release of somekind. A way to see everything for simply what it is rather than what it might become. The only thing that seems to help these days is the doing of things. If I paint something, or fix something. If I plant something or clean. And so I keep doing these things hoping they will fix what is wrong with me. Because I know that there is something wrong with me. Something that lifted me up and I can see down, all the way to the bottom and that's a very long and scary fall.

My one and only prayer is that the lord walk with me right now, don't let me do this on my own.

i don't know if it really helped.

Are we human or are we writers?

or whores, or waitresses, or flight attendants, or just folks? I am a writer and a mother and a sister and a friend, an employee and a volunteer a smiling face and someone to borrow 5 bucks from once in awhile. I'm a whole lot of things to a whole lot of people. To my ex husband I am a crazy bitch. Luckily for me I choose to see those things as ways other people define me instead of how I choose to define myself.

I think I am a person doing her best day to day. Sometimes I really drop the bar for myself, but I can do that if I want. No one has to deal with that but me, oh and my kids. I think it's important for me to accept myself for who I am because you can't count on other people to do that. Other people always judge, other people usually think that they could live your life better than you do. "If I were you....." and I wonder sometimes, what would you do if you were me? But then I turn right around and judge other people.

I have realized recently that I do judge books by their covers. This is something I never wanted to do. I think that internet dating has played a role in this. When browsing these internet dating sites I am quick to overlook the boys that I don't find physically attractive. What I forget though is that everyone is capable of being attractive. and that some people that are attractive when you meet quickly become very unattractive when you get to know them. This is something I have grown to understand.

I have also found though that the more judging I do the more I feel judged by other people. And maybe if I stopped being so damned judgemental I might find other people to be less judgemental of me. I am going to make a greater effort to be less judgemental of others and see if that changes anything for me.

On another note, we are on day 8 of the antidepressant prestiq and I am still unsure of the long term effect it will have on me. The first few days I seemed to notice quite a difference. Not so much now, and I thought it was supposed to work the other way around. only time will tell i guess.