What is this?

 You aren't talking to me at all now? What happened? Everything was fine at 4 and now you're going silent on me in a chatroom? I'm so confused,  did you just get bored of me or something. I cant sleep I feel like I'm going to throw up and I don't know how I'm going to work tomorrow. I can't believe you haven't called me and that you ditched out on me like you did earlier. You know how hard I've worked to make this relationship right. How can you just shut me off without a word? I would never do that to you, my heart is just on fire. Please don't cut me off, I need you. Did you do something bad? Did you? I don't EVER call that 1 to 1 side EVER FOR ANY REASON EVER. I miss you so so much. I just can't believe this is happening again. I just talked to you at 4 and everything was fine. What the fuck happened? What happened? What did I do? I love you. I hope everything is ok. I don't know what else to say. I miss you.

Like a wall

 I did plenty. Said plenty. And then I wondered why everyone hated me so much. I've come really far since then. My heart is burning. Its christmas. I don't want to fight. I dont want you to give up on me now. I went through something on that chatline, real or imagined it was horrible for me. It might have been my own fault or maybe I deserved it but I went through it and that's why I won't ever live there again. I would never put myself through that kind of hell again. I love you, god knows that's true and for the things that happened between you and me, I have long since forgiven you. I felt like you were trying to push me into that place. This morning I was just super stressed out because I was late and you were still pushing. This sucks. Talk to me.

I wish i could talk to you

 There is so much going on in my head. I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could tell you how sorry I am.  I know you just don't want to hear it anymore. I'm just tapped out. I got nothin left. I'm empty and I'm so lonely. I know you're mad. You have every right to be. There are just some things at some moments I can't stop myself but I try. I do and you know I do. I want to be out on the chatlines searching for you right now but that only makes things worse. I was on the 5700 for like 5 minutes and timber pussy started talking shit about my family. I'm really feeling stuck right now. I feel like a bunny caught in a net scrambling to get free but I'm lost in it and I don't know how to get out. I miss talking to you in room 82. That meant so much to me. Now I'm just stuck with all this shit in my head and I have nowhere to put it. Please don't leave me. I need you. I'm sorry I flipped on you last night. It was that goddamn letter. It freaked me the fuck out. No excuse that's just what happened. Can't you forgive me? I just want to sleep.

you got caught in the crossfire

 I'm so sorry about last night. I was so upset by that letter and I took it out on you. You're sick of it. Do you want to take a break? I don't,  I really don't I need you but I'm under a lot of stress right now and I am not solid. I'm scared of losing my housing, my job and you. Please try to understand. I try to understand when you snap off at me. This whole thing with Jennifer should be over soon. I heard some things today and I dont think she'll be around much longer. I love you , I don't want to fight. I'm sorry. You know how hard I'm trying to get my shit together. Please try not to take the things I say when I am upset personally.  It was a glitch in my system.

My Sickness

 I am having so much anxiety today I just can't handle it. It's so bad I'm shaking and sweating. Wtf? I cant stand being inside my own body. I'm not exactly changing my number at least not until I talk to Chris. I'm really fucking scared that this is just a way for him to get rid of me. I hate this. Sticky vaseline mommy, please don't let me die. 

Confused

 You were so mean this morning and I have no idea why. I'm working so hard to improve myself. I was listening to recordings of me fighting with Shasta because I'm trying to process those feelings so I can move past them. And lilly and I went out to dinner, I didn't want you to hear something that would trigger you but it must have triggered you anyway. I don't know if I will ever be able to get you to trust and believe in me. I try so hard to be a better person. I know you see that. There's only so much I can do.

Crying on the inside like its raining on the inside

 I feel sick. I'm not going into work today. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate myself for hurting you. I wish I could take back all those words. I love you and I don't want to fight with you. I become overwhelmed with jealousy sometimes and I get crazy but I'm pulling myself back. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for acting like that. I'm starting to worry that I'm going to lose you. Not an excuse, that doesn't make me doing that OK. Why can't I text you? I just want to tell you how sorry I am. And I'm sorry I've gone on that goddamn chat line looking for you. Sometimes i get scared you won't talk to me if i don't. I don't know why i want to hear you talking to other girls. I do feel like I'm in competition with them. I feel like you care more about them than you do me. That hurts so much. I just want to be loved by you, just you. Nobody else will do. I just want to be loved by you alone. You talk about me talking to other guys and it kills me. I don't want to talk to anyone but you. I know you know that's true. I'm sorry I got all worked up this morning, I shouldn't have said anything about her. I have two separate thoughts about this going at the same time, it's called cognitive dissonance it's not just psycho. We have been doing so well but I have started slipping. Going on the chatline more and more often, crying and all that bullshit. I don't want us to end up back where we were. You work hard to make me feel secure. I work hard to make you feel that way too. I'm not talking to anyone but you. I love you. I'm sorry I continue to struggle with this shit. I won't go on that chatline today. I want to so bad but I know it will only make things harder for us. I love you and I appreciate having you in my life and for more than just a bedfellow. You are my friend and my love, my heart and my home. I don't want to be without you and I'm willing to do whatever it takes for us to maintain our relationship.