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It's OK to be me? For real though?

I struggle big time with my self esteem. No matter how big I talk I really don't think I'm going to be able to be a teacher. I'm just too unpredictable/crazy/incompetent/unstable/hot-headed. All my life I've had to listen to that. My family said it over and over but I was just a little girl in a situation that was completely out of my control. People passing me from one family to the next, no one keeping me. Bad things happen to girls in situations like that don't you know. All I wanted was to be loved. But no one did that for long.
And then I heard it from my ex husband for years and years. I was crazy because I couldn't handle him cheating on me, beating on me and running around doing drugs like a homeless teenager.

Up on a tight rope

For a very long time my job has been my sanctuary. It's a place where I feel valued and trusted. But that recently changed. I used to get this awful feeling that would creep up over me on Sunday nights, I called it the creeping death. It's been years since I felt it. Now I feel it all the time. It's this feeling of being judged by other people, not being good enough to be here doing what I'm doing. And I even get that feeling from people I thought were my friends. I am paranoid and honestly feel like no one has any intention of seeing me become a full time teacher. This is the most stressful thing I've dealt with since my oldest daughter turned 16 (that was hard).
True, I have a lot of changing to do. I need to become more amicable. I need to try to enjoy the time I have away from the job more, so I'm more refreshed while I'm there. And I have to work better with others. That's the hard one, especially when their morons. But I didn't work this hard to get here just to give up. I did not.

It's been awhile but when you're ready you're ready.
I had an epiphany in the bath tub this morning. My ex husband might have just been acting out of human nature rather than being a demon from hell sent to destroy me. I don't say this lightly. Anyone that knows me well knows the amount of hate I hold in my heart for that man. They are also then aware of the effect that hate has had on me and my personal life. Obviously I've wanted to let this go for some time, it has been over 10 years after all. He's remarried, new child. My kids are grown, why would I want to hang on to this anger? How do I let go?
A friend was talking about the situation with her parents. Very similar to the situation with my ex husband. She said she wished her mother would take responsibility f9r the role she played in the relationship, so I began looking at my responsibility in my own marraige. What role did I play in this very abusive relationship. I was surprised by what I actually found.
I loved him, devoted myself to him and I wanted to prove it to him. I thought that if I took everything he threw at me, if I stayed (as long as I stayed) it was proof of how much I loved him. The more bullshit I put up with, the more I loved him. I just realized though that he never saw it that way. What I was trying to say was "I will love you and be here for you no matter what" but what he heard me saying was "you can do anything you want and I will still be here"
I have to examine that. What message should I have been trying to send? How should I have gone about sending it? I wish someone had told me at that age that I was allowed to have my own expectations. I don't know if it would have helped or not, as an adult I walked into the same trap with someone else. But that's why I examine these thoughts, feelings, and choices. I want a healthy loving relationship with someone that supports and encourages me. Now that I'm aware of this it should be easy to weed out the people in my life that don't do this. I really hope it's that cut and dried.

It krept in

This sadness kind of crept in and filled up all the cracks when I wasn't looking. It's ugly and sad and makes me look ugly and sad. I have so many things to be greatful for yet I am sad. There in lies the problem, we have to find the happiness in our lives or we won't ever know that it's there. Start by being greatful. Then decide what your future is going to look like. I'm going to have to get something to take care of all the ugliness around here though.

I will buck up, tomorrow is bound to be a better day.

God takes care

Tired, so tired but I can't sleep. I don't think straight but look straight ahead. I see broken bits of this and that's to sooth this daunting task of living. Little bits and pieces of things that would make my night softer but I fight it. I fight it because I feel the desperation looming there in the darkness. I felt it there a few nights ago, hiding in the shadows pushing me to engage it, pushing me to indulge. I knew it was the wrong thing for me, the wrong moment for me to give in but I did it anyway and afterward fell silent and got lost in a slumber that lasted. When at last I regained my senses I realized what a mistake it had been and decided to leave the rest to rest where I could watch them. I left them in a place where I could know that it was my decision every moment to leave them in that place. That's my proof that I am strong.

I say, do not cross me. I am THE crazy bitch. I won't stalk you, or destroy you, I won't infiltrate and annihilate, I do something much worse. I will cut you off. Never another thought will be offered in your direction. That's my proof that I am strong.

With Spring

It comes with spring, this invigorating jolt of newness. I am once again inspired to write. Writing isn't something I've had any time for since August but I'm pulling up and out of that area of heavy artillery in my life, and the desire to write has returned with a vengeance. Let me apologize in advance.

I've gone through so many changes over the last 10 years, swinging back and forth between ultimate fulfillment and contentedness to utter despair and longing several times. I'm on the up swing for now although I'm not counting any chickens, I haven't finished up my spring classes yet. But I feel real hope and direction, and those aren't things I've felt in a very very long time.

I can see a life for myself in the future now, one that is brighter than today. For a couple of years now I'd felt like my good times had past me by.

I had to get real with myself about the people in my life and let go of some things that were causing me pain. It's hard to accept that some things will never be the way you want them to be, no matter how hard you try. Sometimes the harder you try the worse you make it. And so you just have to clean up the wound as best as you can, dress it and leave it to heal. For years I've known I needed to this but I didn't want to let go of the hope.

Now that I've done it I really feel so much better. I think a big difference is my self esteem. When my self esteem was low it didn't bother me so much to be treated like an unwanted pet or a bad rash that had to be tolerated. I felt like I was lucky enough just to have someone care about me. But one day I realized that just because someone listens to you doesn't mean they care. I had to take a look at the way the people in my life were treating me and ask myself if I would treat anyone else that way, I wouldn't be able to do those things to someone. It feels good to know that I'm finally at a point in my life where I know I deserve better. It took me so long to get here.

When I look back on the girl I was even 15 years ago, well she's like a different person. She was scared to death of being alone but the woman I am today doesn't mind being alone at all because I know I am wahsum enough to sustain myself. She felt like she would be lucky to see her kids leave home and assumed she would wind up killing herself, she saw no real future for herself at all. The woman I am stopped hoping for a better future a while back and now knows she has a brighter future in store.

I'm no longer afraid to step into tomorrow because I know that god has my back. I've been so lucky to meet a few people along the road that really do believe in me and I've learned to believe in myself. I know that I have so many wonderful things to share with the world and the world has wonderful things to share with me and I'm finally ready for all of it.