the whale

I can already tell that this is going to be a life-changing film you don't see them very often but I'm not even halfway through and maybe a quarter of the way through the movie and I've already related to this man in so many ways. I will continue this after I finish it but I just wanted to start that it's already making me think all kinds of things very very inspiring

What the fuck?

I don't think you read this anymore. I have felt a definite emptiness here and on your "number". I don't think you are listening to me at all. In any way. You hate me know and you have another girlfriend that is moving in with you. Was this like when you were going to meet me, or when you were going to marry candy? Or more like when you were going to meet angel and went so far as to buy a ticket to come see you. Or all the times that Shasta was waiting in a hotel for you?  I don't understand you. You have all this love from all these sources and you still don't want it. You push people who care about you away. I hit the four year mark and that don't seem to mean a thing to you. You wanna be done with me, I can't stop ya. I can't make you love me and I sure as hell can't make you not love anyone else. My ADHD won't allow me to stop what's coming out of my mouth. I have it worse that 97% of other people my age and you were the only person who could see through that. You make a joke of me telling me to call you. I know you aren't going to answer me. I don't know what your going to do day to day. Sometimes you are sweet, then your sexy, next thing I know you're insulting and finally you become scarry as fuck. Are you going through some mental health shit on your own or are you really just moving on to Megan and telling me to fuck off. That didn't happen because you got mad at me one night for 15 minutes. But I got to have the relationship I wanted with you for a long time. It was good and you helped me through a lot. I'm so much stronger and more capable now than I was when I met you. I have grown immensely in our time together. I had really felt that you were making some great changes too. I see though that like me you can only hold your shit together for so long.

Im a good girl. I love long and hard. I don't give up. I forgive and forget. I try to be supportive and loving. I try to make you laugh and sometimes I make you cum. I have Integrity but I doubt you could even wrap your head around that. I wonder who you are on the phone with now. Who are you going to sleep with? It definitely isn't me,

stimes i think you intentionally antagonize me so you have an excuse for bailing out on me and leaving me out in the cold because you are busy with other girls right now. You feel guilty for what  you are doing to me and so you pick at me until I get upset and you have an excuse to not talk to me. You heard me this morning. I was hurt, those tears were pain. I just want to go to sleep right now. You have worn me down.

I am processing the fight that we had, coming around a little at a time but it seems as though it doesn't matter one way or another. You said you are through with me, and I guess you are. I have to figure out a way to be ok. It's so hard when I'm used to talking to you 24/7 to all of a sudden not have you in my life at all. Instead though you just ignore me altogether. 

I wish that I could take back all the nasty things I said to you but I can't. And it hurts so bad. I can't even cry anymore. I need an out so bad. My heart is killing me. I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I'm so sorry that I offended you and I wish I would never have said anything about Shasta. You know I hate myself so much for not being a stronger person. 

I have used all my coping skills, even came up with a few new ones, but nothing helps. Sleep is fleeting. Food is disgusting. I really need you. But I know that I will get through this. through. Are you really through with me? You said it and when you said it I felt like you meant it. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. I'm so tired of hurting. I fight myself all day every day to be ok but it never works. I'm doing everything I can, I'm in every kind of therapy I can be. I go to these goddamn groups where I live. For the first time ever I was feeling like we were making it. I felt like we were finally ok. Then I went and fucked it all up. 

I don't know what else to say. I'm finally crying. I guess that's a good first step. 

I'm sorry. I wish I was different. I don't blame you for dumping me. I just don't know where to go from here. I'm starting over again at 48? You are everything to me. I did so well for so long. How did we get here? Why did that have to happen? I didn't want that to happen. I don't blame you for not saying anything to him and in fact I bet you felt like it was about time I had to deal with some of the trucker fall out. 

Please don't leave me. Why does everyone always leave me? Isn't there anyone in the whole world who won't leave me? I'm not saying I don't deserve it but I always thought you were the one person in the world that would stick it out with me. Please god, what am I supposed to do? I need your help. Am I really that bad of a person that no one will stick with me? Why did thaht have to fucking happen. Please come back to me. I hate this pain. 

 I don't want to lose you. I feel fucking sick.

My Love

I'm sorry I talked shit about Shasta. I know that's a trigger for you and I did it anyway. I don't want to hurt you. I am working on my impulse control in therapy and I'm going for ADHD testing today, which would explain some things. I love you, I don't want to fight with you. I miss you terribly. My heart aches without you. I can't eat anything, can't hardly sleep at night. I need you and I am trying. I just need to hang up when I get that upset. That is something I am going to be working very hard on. Things between us were going so well, so well. I hate that I fucked that up. I wish you knew how badly it hurts me that I upset you the way I did. I haven't called the chatline since the incident. I am no longer stalking you and after I cancel my sideline account  I am deleting it from my phone.  Please, try to understand how upset I was. Try to understand how often I do ignore things; kayla??? Brenda??? Isabella??? Megan??? and how much better I have gotten over the last six months or maybe even a year. Tomorrow is 4 years since we started talking and I so terribly want to spend a little time with you. I am so sorry that I upset you, that's the last thing I want to do.

It's my fault

I know that you have good reason to want to end things. I know that I was so far out of line and that what I did is unacceptable. I don't want to do those things. I don't know why I do things like that. What did I get out of doing that? Nothing. What have I lost from doing that? Why would someone choose to lose the person they love most in the world? They wouldn't, I wouldn't. But I understand if enough is enough. I can't argue that.

What I've done so far to try to stop this and begin making amends (whether or not you want to be with me) I haven't gone back out on the chatline. I am not looking for you or listening to find out who you are talking to or what you are talking about. I am just trying to go on. 

I can't change the fact that I fucked up. I wish I could. But I can stop it where it's at and do my best to make sure it doesn't happen again. That's the only thing I can do. I can stop participating in the anger and the fighting. I can stay off the chatline. I can take the sideline off my phone. I can continue to do what I've been taught to do. I can watch tv or a movie, I can sing, I can do a tiktok, I can suck my thumb, I can sleep, I can take a bath or clean something, I can have a snack, I can paint, I could get my ashes and try that do a little experiment with my ashes. There are so many things I can do.

Why didn't I do those things last night? I was too upset and I wasn't thinking the right way. That's it. I'm not going to make excuses or lie. I am just going to take responsibility for my actions and apologize. I'm sorry last night happened. I wish I could take it back or that I would have kept my mouth shut. There was a reason you denied that you were talking to me. I should have gone with it, but I didn't. Can't be changed. But that set everything else in motion. 

But don't get this fucked up. Regardless of what you say, you know that I am not doomed to be with you. I have been with you because I love you and want to be with you. I have been with you because you make me laugh and because I make you laugh. I have been with you because of your guitar and meeko and our conversations. I have been with you because you are smart and again because you are funny as hell. I have been with you for so many reasons. Mushrooms and hail satan, reservation dogs and shoe painting, artists and photographers, illnesses and breakdowns and Love. 

I love you. I hope that you calm down and that you can forgive me. I'm not sure what parts of that you are most upset over and although it matter's, it doesn't. I'm sorry for talking all that shit too. It's so frustrating because I don't want to be the person that does those things and says those things but then I am. I try really hard to make better choices and do things differently but sometimes it just isn't enough.