You gave up

 You have given up on me, moved on. I miss you so much, why don't you miss me?  i don't remember what I said to you Friday but it must have been bad because you just gave up on me. I don't know how to get you back, it feels like you just don't want me back. It hurts but that doesn't seem to matter either. All I can do is ride this out. I love you and I can't give up on you or us. This causes me such grief. Food is a burden. Sleep is nearly impossible or unavoidable depending on the moment. I just don't know what to do anymore. 

How did we get here?

I'm sick over this. You are so fucking angry at me. You haven't been this angry at me since I flipped on Shasta last time. You wouldn't talk to me all weekend. At first I thought it was because I kept falling asleep on you and missing your calls but you just wouldn't let up on it. I felt like you were antagonizing me on purpose so I would do what I did so you could justify being mean to me. 

Sometimes I feel like you do this to try to chase me away. Do you really want me to go? It hurts so much, food doesn't sound good,  I can't sleep, it's hard to work. I can't function without you.

I hate fighting with you, I try so hard to avoid it. You are breaking my heart. I feel like I'm dying inside. Your gentle touch is what I need more than anything right now. I'm hurting so much.

You are the only person that is here for me, the only one that really cares about me. You are the only person in the world that I need and I don't know what to do without you. Please don't do this to me. 

I'm sorry if I upset you. I try so hard not to. I fill my free time with crochet and movies, stupid computer games and the cat. Looking for another pet or an apartment because I don't want to be a burden to you. I try to come up with things to talk to you about because I feel like you get bored with me sometimes. 

I try to be kinky so you want to fuck me but it always bites me in the ass. I just want you. I want you to want me. I want you. I want to feel your hands and arms all around me, I want you to pull my head back by my hair and suck on my neck and my titties while I grind against your cock. I want you to want me like that.

I want to talk to you for hours like we used to but I feel like you're just bored with me. Go to sleep. You don't know how bad that hurts my feelings. I feel so rejected and unloved. So I crochet or find a Hulu show. I do anything I can to try not to think about it.

But I can't fight this way with you. It's breaking my spirit. It makes me hate myself, it makes me want to disappear. I just want to fade away. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to live, it's hard and scary and I feel so alone sometimes.

Please don't chase me away. You are all I really have and I don't want to lose you. I'm sorry if I didn't show you enough how much you mean to me. I'm sorry that I get upset and cuss you. I open my mouth and shit comes out. I don't want to say any of that hateful shit to you. I always regret it and wish so bad I could take it back.

Please don't hate me. I miss you.

Im Sorry

 I'm sorry I'm so selfish. I love you so MOTHERFUCKING much. I would do anything for you. Anything. Please let me. Please let me in. Youve done so much for me, and you have. I love you.

Alone

     I'm sad. I miss you. I want to hear your voice and feel your presence. Life without you is so empty.

 You are kind and funny. You care about me. You pay attention and listen to me. You play guitar for me and talk to me until I fall asleep. You make me KNOW I am loved.

This is not you. Cold and uncaring. Selfish and filled with hate. I've seen this face before but this is not you.

I don't know what I did to deserve this. I don't know how you can flip a switch like this in a matter of hours.

I don't know if you're going to stop calling me altogether or if this is a temporary state of things. You are just whittling me back and whittling me back. You are really scaring the fuck out of me. All it would take to soothe me would be a few words but you won't offer them. That scares me. 

Please don't do this to me. I already miss you so much. Please don't do this to me. Be straightforward and tell me what you want. I will do anything for you. Just please please stop hurting me.

I know that I have talked some shit to you lately, I'm sorry. This has been horrible for me and I'm not always keeping my head. I let my emotions overcome me. I have a really hard time with emotional regulation when I'm under stress and this really feels like stress.

Last night was my penance for all of my wrong doings last week and yours too. No more fighting. Please don't break your promise to me.

Is this the end?

 You told me you would ALWAYS call me. Where the fuck are you? What do I have to do?

Im so lonely

 What do you do when the only person who gives a fuck about you stops giving a fuck about you? And not do they just stop giving a fuck but they start to actually hate you. They hate you so much they are so fucking mean you can't even get two words out of them that aren't fucking painfully brutal. What am I supposed to do? And you don't know why. I can guess, my head is forced to come up with it's own reasons because I don't have any real ones. Tonight is the finally of yellowstone and it doesn't even matter because my best friend hates me and isn't going to be there to watch it with me. I'm not as strong as other people, I can't just lose someone and not care.  I don't understand how he can just walk away from us. 

E.motio. vomit

 Please don't let me go I love you so much anymore I know what to do talk to me when you talk to me why do you do this you made Christmas looking perfect for me it was looking perfect I just don't understand why you're so mad I can't fucking do this without you I have nothing strong enough to do this life without telling you please God