my love

I love the way you love me. I know how lucky I am. I don't take that for granted, not for a minute. I love you with every piece of me. Nothing could ever change that. I know it's hard to trust people. It's hard for me to trust you. Really, who wants to be stuck with someone like me? But for some reason you do and nothing NOTHING is bigger than that. No friend could fuck with that EVER. Ok, I'm done now. 

stuff for dubuque

Mines of Spain 

Horseshoe bluff

Fried green tomatoes

stuff I need

Toilet seat

Magic erasers

Shower rod and curtain

More foamy stuff

Tin foil

Seran wrap

WD-40

May baskets

Little cards

CMC

     The CMC has been a fantastic place for me to grow. It has been a safe place where I could learn to open up and let out some of the pain that's been inside me. It's been a place of learning while I went through therapy and worked with staff here to build my self-esteem. And you gave me a home when I couldn't find one anywhere else.

     I appreciate the kindness and understanding of the staff as Ive gone  through therapy. My behaviors didn't always reflect my true feelings toward the cmc. The understanding and concern of the staff supported me through my changes. That is something I haven't found anywhere else in my whole life.

     Leaving the CMC is extremely bittersweet. As much as I am looking forward to having my own place leaving the staff and the other residents behind is very difficult for me. I know that I can come back here and get support whenever I need it which I appreciate but on a deeper level of understanding I know that in my life I will never feel this type of support again.

     As I leave here I have only one real piece of advice for the staff and that would be to put resources first. I was here for over a year before I got started finding services that I desperately needed. Working with ihh, finding food stamps and the free phone that goes with food stamps, finding adequate therapists, and being informed about other options with housing. I feel that if I had started with these things from the beginning My success would have come much quicker and I would be more advanced in my program. I found that the staff was not terribly knowledgeable when it came to me applying for social security or other resources that I truly needed.

I see other residents right now that don't have IDs, don't have social security cards, don't have their birth certificates, have not applied for food stamps yet, don't know about the free phone, have not been provided a direct line to therapists that could actually help them, and hope of finding housing after leaving other than moving across the street.

     I don't mean to criticize the staff because I think they do the best they can but they don't have proper training on helping people with these particular types of issues. As I have said before I am so appreciative of my time here and I don't want to take away from that however that being said there is still a great need on our floor for resources that the staff either doesn't have the knowledge or the time to address.

the whale

I can already tell that this is going to be a life-changing film you don't see them very often but I'm not even halfway through and maybe a quarter of the way through the movie and I've already related to this man in so many ways. I will continue this after I finish it but I just wanted to start that it's already making me think all kinds of things very very inspiring

What the fuck?

I don't think you read this anymore. I have felt a definite emptiness here and on your "number". I don't think you are listening to me at all. In any way. You hate me know and you have another girlfriend that is moving in with you. Was this like when you were going to meet me, or when you were going to marry candy? Or more like when you were going to meet angel and went so far as to buy a ticket to come see you. Or all the times that Shasta was waiting in a hotel for you?  I don't understand you. You have all this love from all these sources and you still don't want it. You push people who care about you away. I hit the four year mark and that don't seem to mean a thing to you. You wanna be done with me, I can't stop ya. I can't make you love me and I sure as hell can't make you not love anyone else. My ADHD won't allow me to stop what's coming out of my mouth. I have it worse that 97% of other people my age and you were the only person who could see through that. You make a joke of me telling me to call you. I know you aren't going to answer me. I don't know what your going to do day to day. Sometimes you are sweet, then your sexy, next thing I know you're insulting and finally you become scarry as fuck. Are you going through some mental health shit on your own or are you really just moving on to Megan and telling me to fuck off. That didn't happen because you got mad at me one night for 15 minutes. But I got to have the relationship I wanted with you for a long time. It was good and you helped me through a lot. I'm so much stronger and more capable now than I was when I met you. I have grown immensely in our time together. I had really felt that you were making some great changes too. I see though that like me you can only hold your shit together for so long.

Im a good girl. I love long and hard. I don't give up. I forgive and forget. I try to be supportive and loving. I try to make you laugh and sometimes I make you cum. I have Integrity but I doubt you could even wrap your head around that. I wonder who you are on the phone with now. Who are you going to sleep with? It definitely isn't me,

stimes i think you intentionally antagonize me so you have an excuse for bailing out on me and leaving me out in the cold because you are busy with other girls right now. You feel guilty for what  you are doing to me and so you pick at me until I get upset and you have an excuse to not talk to me. You heard me this morning. I was hurt, those tears were pain. I just want to go to sleep right now. You have worn me down.

I am processing the fight that we had, coming around a little at a time but it seems as though it doesn't matter one way or another. You said you are through with me, and I guess you are. I have to figure out a way to be ok. It's so hard when I'm used to talking to you 24/7 to all of a sudden not have you in my life at all. Instead though you just ignore me altogether. 

I wish that I could take back all the nasty things I said to you but I can't. And it hurts so bad. I can't even cry anymore. I need an out so bad. My heart is killing me. I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I'm so sorry that I offended you and I wish I would never have said anything about Shasta. You know I hate myself so much for not being a stronger person. 

I have used all my coping skills, even came up with a few new ones, but nothing helps. Sleep is fleeting. Food is disgusting. I really need you. But I know that I will get through this. through. Are you really through with me? You said it and when you said it I felt like you meant it. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. I'm so tired of hurting. I fight myself all day every day to be ok but it never works. I'm doing everything I can, I'm in every kind of therapy I can be. I go to these goddamn groups where I live. For the first time ever I was feeling like we were making it. I felt like we were finally ok. Then I went and fucked it all up. 

I don't know what else to say. I'm finally crying. I guess that's a good first step. 

I'm sorry. I wish I was different. I don't blame you for dumping me. I just don't know where to go from here. I'm starting over again at 48? You are everything to me. I did so well for so long. How did we get here? Why did that have to happen? I didn't want that to happen. I don't blame you for not saying anything to him and in fact I bet you felt like it was about time I had to deal with some of the trucker fall out. 

Please don't leave me. Why does everyone always leave me? Isn't there anyone in the whole world who won't leave me? I'm not saying I don't deserve it but I always thought you were the one person in the world that would stick it out with me. Please god, what am I supposed to do? I need your help. Am I really that bad of a person that no one will stick with me? Why did thaht have to fucking happen. Please come back to me. I hate this pain.